NEW BLOG

HI everyone.
I have started a new blog.
www.lisasallee.blogspot.com
It is a little different than the last one but I promise it will be just as entertaining!
Love, Me

LAST BLOG ENTRY

All good things must come to an end and this is the end of the road for this blog.
My life has been so public for such a long time and now is the time when I need privacy the most.
The boys and I are doing so well. Sure, we have our bumps but overall things are great.
We are moving forward and ready for the next phase in our lives.
I want to thank all of you for all of your love and support and for being such an important part of our lives. We love you all very much.
I will start up a new blog soon just so that I can keep everyone updated. It will be more of a family page. I will update general things in our lives without making our personal lives too public.
I love you all and I am excited to see what God has in store for us! Stay tuned. I will give you a new address very soon.
Love & blessings for the brightest future ever!!!
Lisa & Boys

Blessings

I was having lunch today with a good friend of mine and we were kinda just talking about our lives (mostly mine). As we were talking I was thinking about all of you and how you have blessed my life.

So many of you supported us and loved us and prayed for us and gave up your time and energy to help us whenever we needed it and for those things I could never repay or thank you enough. You were all God's kingdom in action. This is what we are created for - to be a driving presence in one another's lives each day and through good times and bad times.

Thankfully, Gary provided some resources for us so that we would have some time to get on our feet. I am going to be able to partially pay for school so that I can get my nursing degree. I finally bought a new car after driving both of ours well over the 120,000 mile marker. Both of our cars were lovingly fixed by Charlie Smith and I was able to give them to some families who hopefully will get many more miles out of them.

Gary gave the boys some money for Christmas he had stashed away in an account before he was laid off from his job so that I could take them to Hawaii. Watching him give that present to the boys was painstakingly difficult knowing he would not be a part of that dream trip. Our relatives are providing us with a house in Hawaii for the entire time we are there. How lucky we are. I am finally taking a trip with a friend to an exotic island for a week and an amazing person gave me the money so that I could be able to do that.

Sometimes I feel guilty that some good things are happening in our lives now. But, I feel so spoiled and special and it has been a long time since I have felt that way and it feels good. Gary used to spoil me all the time and I miss being spoiled sometimes. These unique opportunities are so exciting and I can't wait to travel with the boys a bit!

You have made our lives possible. You have made this transition more peaceful than I ever thought it could be. You are the reason why we have a roof over our heads and food on our table. That was such an awful yet wonderful time in all of our lives and I thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

My friends -I love you. You are in my life everyday and you continually lift me up and put a smile on my face! Everyone who did more than an amazing job with Gary's funeral I thank you deeply. The slideshow that Michele did is one of the most precious gifts anyone could have ever given our family. The flowers at the church were beyond beautiful, Bonny. So many women spent hours and hours arranging those flowers to make them so special. Gary would have loved that. The beauty of the church and the reception and the sheer amount of people who came to remember such a wonderful and courageous man - priceless. All of the late night dinners with friends - awesome. So many people and so much love and care.

I promise to repay all of the kindness to others that you all have shown our family. That is what life is all about. Pouring our heart and soul into the people we love.

I hope you all have a blessed weekend and if anyone wants to play in a huge kickball tournament - Tesoro High School field at 9:30 Sunday morning!

Love and dreams of a happy and wonderful future,

Lisa

Love, Loss and Life

Gary would be very proud of the boys. I am super proud of the boys. The boys are amazingly wonderful. They are handling Gary's death better than I could have ever imagined. We have our rough times. Throw downs. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. All the emotions that go along with grieving the loss of a father. I can't even begin to imagine what the boys are going through. My loss is very different than their loss.

I stand 100% firm in everything Gary and I did to prepare them for Gary's eminent death. We involved them in every single aspect of his dying and death. We never lied to them. I think we did a great job preparing them for what we are going through right now and it shows.

They are doing well in school. They are doing well at home and they are so loving toward me. Remember, they have their moments and maybe a few more than most kids on some days but if you take a look at the entire picture it is looking pretty rosy so far! Your prayers are working!

I ordered a stand up punching bag with gloves that I will put in the garage. Anytime they struggle with anger I will send them out to the garage for some bag time. It will be healthy for them to take that anger out and do whatever they want to that bag. It will be a great outlet for all of us. I could have used that bag this morning and with the amount of anger I had I think I would have ripped it and thrashed it.

My debit card was stolen out of my wallet at the baseball field on Tuesday at 4:45 PM. I had no idea until yesterday at 3 PM. I called Chase to report the card stolen and found out that the thief had charged about $500.00 on that debit card (they used it as a credit card but it is directly linked to my checking account).

I had the person at the bank shut the card down and off I went so I thought.

I decided to call this morning to see if the pending transactions had posted so I could file the dispute and get my money back. Get this - the lady on the phone the day before DID NOT cancel the card and the flippin' thieves charged thousands more and basically drained my account! Unbelievable. I was beyond upset as you can imagine and many of you may have already been through what I am going through.

So, inlue of kicking the crud out of the punching bag I don't have yet, I decided to go to the golf range and learn how to hit some balls and work on my swing. I had the greatest time with Jenn and then we even had a few minutes of social time on the porch. I was very relaxed and I would say I was in a great mood.

Then, back to the bank to get everything straightened out in person. I talked with the Branch Manager and they are putting a rush on getting that money back. We went over all of the charges to determine which ones were mine and after figuring all of that out I felt much better and assured that I would get that money back.

So annoying. I have to call so many companies that I pay online and change the card number. Ugggg......Oh well. Things could be worse.

School starts for me in a few weeks. I am excited and anxious to get through the nursing program so that I can begin to help people.

Church is great and we are having church out on the field at the school this week. We are having a huge kickball tournament with parents and kids alike and it should be super fun! God has done some pretty amazing things in our church body and I am living proof of that. Our church and our friends and our family have been such a huge support and without all of you we would not be where we are right now.

Life lessons learned the past few days: Anger is nasty and ugly. It is not good for your soul. Some people aren't worth the energy required to stress or be angry. There are so many awesome things in life to focus on. Find the positive and ditch the negative. Be real. Two-faced people have issues and they aren't yours. Ditch your insecurities. Surround yourself with people who want only the best for you. Pray more. Place all of your trust in God. Get in the passenger seat because no matter how hard you try you will never be in control.

Each day we can learn. Each day is filled with new experiences. Live with LOVE. Live through LOSS. Live your LIFE to the fullest.

Hugs, Kisses and Love,
L

No Title

Bad afternoon. I seriously wanted to take one of my children and kick him to the curb. I spent my afternoon so incredibly frustrated and unbelievably angry. Uggggggggggg.

This particular child (those of you who were on the fields tonight know who I am talking about because of his outlandish display of insane behavior) decided to scream and yell at me when I did not give him the food he wanted at the particular time he wanted it.

I realize that the kids are going through a difficult time and trying to judge how much of the behavior is just normal kid behavior and how much of it is Gary's death is sometimes challenging to say the least.

Tonight I reached my breaking point. I wanted to just go off screaming and yelling at him with every 4 letter word I know.
But, I didn't. I held my composure (somewhat) and at 8 PM we went home. Had I had some duct tape I probably would have put it across his mouth but thankfully I let one of my other friends borrow it for the week as she is also having discipline issues! HAHA

His attitude totally turned around before bed and he apologized. It was nice to hear it BUT it is too late to get him out of the deep trouble he is in. Live and learn and some of us have to do it the hard way!

I am gearing up for a busy rest of my week. Lots going on at church and at home.

I would really enjoy going out on the town a few times in the next week. I need it as I have not been out in such a long time.
I think I am really going to make that a priority as I need time away from home to be rejuvenated.

Going to bed I think. We will see if I can fall asleep. I have had a touch of insomnia this week for some reason. Hopefully this will pass.

xoxoxo
L

SUNDAY MOTHER'S DAY

Our first Mother's Day without Gary is kinda weird. Matt took the boys this week to get my Mother's Day present which happened to be a Burke Williams Gift Certificate and the boys were so excited to give that to me today! They told me that they thought that is exactly what Gary would have wanted for me and I am so glad they gave it to me.

Thank God for Matt. He helped me to give the boys a teachable moment with how to treat their Mom! I hope they are this thoughtful to their wives when that time comes.

I went to church this morning and got home to have lunch with Joyce, Jeff and Monie before they went back to the desert. Jeff filled my house with roses and it is so beautiful and it smells so good. I have roses everywhere and for those of you who know me I absolutely LOVE flowers! What a treat!

I took the boys to T Street this afternoon so that they could have some much needed beach time. It was such a beautiful day and the sand was warm and the boys said that the water wasn't too bad at all. I had some time on the beach to just look around and take things in. I think it just bummed me out to see families together and couples together. It is like that everywhere I go. It is strong confirmation that I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life.

I am tired and ready for sleep. I only slept 3.5 hours last night.

Happy Mother's Day. I hope it was everything you hoped it would be.

Love & Hugs,
L

MOTHERS DAY

I wanted to take a moment to recognize the women in my life that are mothers.

I am so blessed to have so many friends who love me and care for me.

My girls have been there through the thickest of the thick for me and I am eternally grateful for your love and support.
Sunday is a day that honors all of you. Not only are you wonderful mothers to your own children but you have been amazing mothers to mine throughout these past 2 years.

You will never know how much your love means to me. I could never repay you nor could I express to you what is written in my heart when I think of all of the things you have done for me and for Gary and for the boys.

We are ready to move forward with no regrets as a family and I know that there are so many of you that will keep on this journey with us! Let's see what God has in store for us. I know it will be something great!

Happy Mothers Day to all my girlfriends who mean so much to me!

I love you with all my heart

Lisa

A Better Day

I had a much better day today. My headache is basically gone and I actually got many things accomplished today. I did however forget to get dog food. Hurley can wait.

The boys had a good day. I got my work done and then took them to the beach right after school. They had a great time and even found a dead sand shark and dead huge jelly fish! They caught hermit crabs and they surfed, body boarded and played all over the beach. I wish we would have had more time there. Summer is coming!!!

My air conditioner is running because the upstairs is so hot. The dogs are asleep and the kids are finally in bed. Baseball nights are late nights most of the time.

I had a terrible dream last night about Gary once I finally fell asleep. I had a dream that I was in our downstairs bedroom and his dead body was laying in the bed and it was just so awful and overwhelmingly yucky. I hate to remember him that way. He was so sick for so long and I think it is hard to remember when our life was wonderful and normal. I will pray tonight for either no dreams or at least a good dream of some sort.

I am watching the Millionaire Matchmaker. I need to get ready for bed and I do need a good nights sleep.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and I will update this weekend!

Love to you all,
L

It is almost midnight and I wasted my entire day fighting a seriously awful migraine headache. All morning I stayed in bed and then went back down around 2:30 and am still in bed. What an unproductive day! I hate this day. I have not had this bad of a headache in about a year. I almost went to the ER to get a shot of demerol. YUCK!
Enough about my ache. Let's move on to something more interesting.....

Jax lost a tooth.He put it under his pillow. I go into his room early and switch out the tooth for 2 Susan B. Anthonys. On my way I go. He wakes up. Fast forward 15 minutes...... We are sitting at the kitchen table and Jax tells his brothers that I am the tooth fairy. I play stupid.

Me: What are you talking about?
Him: I felt your hand under my pillow when you took my tooth and put the money there.
Me: Seriously Jax. Do you really think I keep Susan B's around the house? You lost your tooth at baseball at 6 PM last night and we did not stop by the bank on the way home. Whatever.
Him: Yeah whatever is right. YOU ARE the tooth fairy but I know you are not Santa. I know. I KNOW you are the Easter Bunny too.
Me: Whatever you want to think Jax.
Him: Yep. UR the Tooth Fairy aright.

He just doesn't give up. He should just be happy that he got his 2 bucks! Ungrateful little booger.

Nate was home from school today with a fever and sore throat. I couldn't even take care of him. I even ordered pizza tonight because I couldn't stand the thought of smelling anything cooking in the kitchen. The poor kids.

I still have a headache and I pray it is gone in the morning. I hope Nate feels better, too.

School is almost out and I am very happy. I start school at the end of this month. I am taking some online courses so that I do not have to be away from the kids this summer.

Matt took Zach to get my Mother's Day present today. I am so thankful and our Mother's Day should be low key and fun!

I am going back to sleep now.
I will write again this week.

Love and Hugs,
L

It's Been Too Long

It has been way too long since my last post. Darrin has requested an update so here goes the update.

There have been many things that have happened since my last post. Granted, nothing super exciting. Basically life. Not that my life is all that interesting. I guess losing a husband to cancer and having 3 young boys who are madder than hell sometimes makes for some pretty interesting incidents here and there.

Life just goes by way too fast. Each week I can hardly believe it is Monday and then before I know it Sunday rolls around the corner and I face yet another Monday once again.

School days are hard. Making lunches and doing homework and practices and projects and dinner and bedtime and laundry and and and and and. It seems to never end nor does it get easier. It is annoying and redundant each week but I try to hide those feelings from the boys.

The boys are doing well in school with no apparent behavioral issues. They are social and are seemingly well adjusted. At home we have typical kid issues with a mixture of issues resulting from Gary's actual dying and death as well as the physical loss of their father. It is sometimes difficult and tricky trying to figure out how much is truly just rebellion and natural kid behavior and what percentage of the behavior is a direct result of the boys trying to deal with anger and hurt and sadness and confusion about Gary.

Overall I would have to say that we are doing well. We talk. We cry. We laugh. We yell. The boys ask a bevy of questions. We are moving through this time together. Nate got in big trouble the other day and he sat in his room and wrote me an apology letter. In the letter he told me that he was mad that Dad had to go so early but he wanted me to know that he was not mad at God because he loves God and knows that God just has a plan and that He trusts God. My heart melted. I love to know what the boys are thinking - especially when they are grumpy and angry.

Last night after Zach's game he wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. I was ready to leave him there and out of nowhere he started crying and talking about Gary. He no longer wanted to spend the night but just wanted to go home. So, off we went. When we got home we sat and talked about Gary and we cried and I think we had a really great talk. It is great when the boys open up. It is so healthy. I love that and I am relieved when they do talk.

Jax has been beyond clingy. Nate has been argumentative and crabby. Zach has been frustrated and mad, mad, mad. I WAS in a good mood until the the clingy, crabby, argumentative, frustrated and mad as hell kids got a hold of me! There are days when I just need 10 minutes to myself and I can't seem to get it. Other days I handle it beautifully. Up and down and back up again. I ALWAYS end up on the upswing thank God. God is always foremost in my mind and I rely on Him each time I face an obstacle.

So, I am going to Turks & Caicos this summer. My aunt is going to come and help take care of the boys. Matt will have the boys for the last couple of days and they can have their bonding time. I am really excited. I have never been to the Caribbean and these particular islands are amazingly gorgeous. I am staying in an all inclusive resort and it will be a great trip.

I love the summer months. I love warm weather and sitting outside at night eating dinner and relaxing. We will try and schedule a short trip to see Gary's family this summer as well. Gary's Dad has been doing better and his cancer seems to be under control. I am so happy for him.

My Dad's very cherished friend, Bob, died this past week. He had cancer as well and fought it I think for about 8 months. Just a month ago he was golfing with my Dad. He and his wife have been prayer warriors for our family and they have been such wonderful friends to my parents. Anne Marie (Bob's wife) is so strong and has such great faith. I hope this sustains her as it has me. They were married over 50 years and they have a wonderful family.

Jax is out of baseball as we try and figure out how to get his arm to heal completely. He is in a brace. Zach is in a brace as well. His elbow is bothering him as are his knees. The knees are a growth thing but the elbow might be something else. He will have some tests this coming week and we will find out for certain. I think everyone of his problems is growth related. Keep him in your prayers and keep those fingers crossed.

I am good. I would have to say 98% of the time I am doing well. I am strong and my faith has given me so much in terms of my outlook on the future. I just read a book called Widows Wear Stilettos. The author lives in Lake Forest and it was written for young widows. It was super helpful and I am farther along in my healing than most who go through this tragedy. I give all of the credit to God and to my faith. I could not do this alone nor can I imagine ever going through this alone.

Most days I think about how I am ready to move forward. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want someone to share the rest of my life with and to be a role model and support for the boys. Gary did not want the boys and I to be alone either. I have legitimate fears about how this works and how it looks. Dating? Haven't done that in 15 years. Never was one to date different people. I don't think I have ever been on just a date and it didn't work and then another date. I have had only a few boyfriends in my life. I'm not 20 anymore. Things are so different. I am really not looking forward to this part of my life. It is kinda scary and the waters are unchartered. When the time is right opportunities will present themselves and I will know I am ready.

In the meantime I am going to just do life. School starts on May 26th for me and then I have a full school schedule come August. I am very excited. I met with my nursing counselor this past week and he was so encouraging. I have a 4.0 right now and the trick will be to maintain that GPA. I think I can do it. I might not be able to get the program done through Saddleback as their program is highly impacted and it is difficult to get classes. I might have to take out student loans and go private. Time will tell.

This is a long post. Sorry.

I just wanted you to know that we are hanging tough and doing life. Each day brings smiles and frowns. But, at the end of the day, we never go to bed disgruntled or angry or unresolved in any way. We end with prayer and smiles and love and we wake up the same way. Never go to bed angry. You also can't spend too much of your time or your life in the negative. Try and maintain in your positive zone. It is so much healthier for your body and your mind!

Love to you all -
L

Love my new computer!

Kids

A hard weekend. Don't get me wrong. We did have a few hours here and there when we were all smiling and having a great time.

The boys had behavior issues and last night was an extremely hard night. We stayed up together until 8:30 PM crying and talking through so many things about Gary and about not having a father anymore and anger and fear and decisions and so much more. It is exhausting.

I am off to the post office and to run some more errands. I need a break from the emotional.

Have a great day!

xo,
Lisa

Funny Conversation

We are on our way home from my staff meeting today and Zach starts busting up out of the blue. He begins to remind me of our trip to Catalina a few summers ago.

I took the kids to Catalina to visit friends who were staying over there. I needed some R&R. The boys and I went to Lovers Cove with our friends to do a little snorkeling. Once we arrived, Nate and Jax wimped out and wouldn't go in the water.
So, we buy the food to feed the fish, get our masks and snorkels on, and Zach and I head out into the warm water.
We get out there and this cove is teeming with Girabaldi. It was pretty cool.

So, I take out some of the food (that is supose to be in a waterproof baggie) and I feed some of the fish.
Somehow I forgot (no blonde pokes) that I had another bag tucked into my string bikini bottom (you know, that waterproof bag). I am trying to be nice and feed these little fishies and all hell breaks loose. To make a very embarrassing and long story short the fish absolutely ascended upon my lower half and I was beyond surrounded by them. They were everywhere. The water turned orange in every direction.

What do you think I did? Of course I did. I started screaming and frantically swimming toward the shore. I do something similar to that on land at the beach when a bee seems to hover right around me and won't go away. I am that girl running down the beach swatting at the air to try to outrun a bee who I am positive is determined to sting me and probably right on my butt!

Zach is cracking up as he watches me FREAK out. I can tell you that I was not laughing at the time but now I can laugh and we did just that this afternoon in the car together. It must have been pretty funny to see that! It is so NEAT that the boys NEVER EVER forget anything like that.

That was a great trip and I am looking forward to taking the boys to Maui in August. This time, no food for me in the water. I will simply observe and maybe I will learn how to scuba finally.

The house is finally quiet and I think I am going to get myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. They are so yummy! Hopefully I can watch something entertaining on TV.

Have the best night!

Love,
L

Exotic Locations

Ok. I want to go somewhere exotic.
No kids.
Just thinking and possibly planning for July.
It has to be tropical and beautiful with plenty of things to do.
I would prefer an all inclusive resort as well.
I have always wanted to go to Turks & Caicos but if anyone else has any other interesting suggestions then please share!
I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing locations you have all visited or know about!

BTW - We are doing well and getting ready for another night of baseball and late bedtimes.

Happy Day and do share when you have a chance - that is IF you have anything to share.

xo
L

Easter Blessings

Hi everyone. We spent a few days in Rancho Mirage with a bunch of friends and had THE BEST TIME! I think it was one of the best trips I have been on. We went with some friends from baseball and most of our families are heavily "boy populated" and all of the boys got along and it was just a great trip. The hotel was awesome and it was a great little get away.

For the first time in a very long time I did not feel lonely. There are people around me and sure the kids are always with me but I do feel very "3rd wheelish" and lonely a lot of the time. I do not expect anyone to understand unless your spouse has died and I am sure it is hard for any of you to believe that I could ever be lonely or feel socially weird but I do and it is very real to me.

The boys and I did not want to come home. Back to reality. Life is so much easier for me when I am not home. I realized the tremendous stress I am under as soon as I got away from it. I felt like a different person and it was good for me to get myself out from under that stress.

In light of Easter Sunday I wanted to share something that Nate wrote. Nate was given this assignment about 2 weeks ago and he wrote this report all by himself. This was an oral report so he shared this with the entire class.

My Hero by Nate Sallee

My hero is Jesus.

Jesus was born in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. He is my hero because he died on the cross for our sins. People who believe in Him shall live with Him for eternity.

My Dad died January 10, 2009 at the age of 43. He was a believer in Jesus and is now living with Jesus because Jesus got on that cross for my Dad and for me and for all of us. Jesus was the one who made this great world. He is always by our side no matter what happens. He will love us all no matter what.

Jesus only lived until he was 33. That is a very short lifespan especially for our Holy Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to show us all how to live and then He died on the cross so that all of the bad things we do would be forgiven.

He will live in our heart all of the time. We cannnot see Him but he is in our hearts forever just like my Dad.

Thank you for your attention.

So appropriately put by an 8 year-old. I feel very blessed to have a son who thinks this way. I hope all of my boys feel the same way about God, Jesus and their Dad.

Happy Easter to everyone. How blessed we all are.

Love and Hugs All Around,
Lisa

January 10, 2008

I am freaking out a little right now. Gary is really dead and his ashes are in a box in my office on the table by the window. I was just folding laundry and I put a few small dish towels on top of the box and realized that Gary's reminants were in that box that sits there all day every day.

Wow. He is gone for good. Never to return to the earth again as we know it. I am alone and I think I am having a small panic attack.

On January 10, 2008 I was told by the UCI team of docs that I would be a widow FOR SURE within the year. We walked away from that appointment with conflicting information and we absolutely did not believe that prediction. That is all the docs can do - predict based on their knowledge of past and present patients who suffer from varying types of cancer.

On January 10, 2009 Gary died. One year to the date of that appointment. Sobering. They were right this time. He made it one year. He held on and he fought with everything he had and he did it valiantly.

I think I need to get rid of the rest of the ashes. They sit in that damn box. The ground up bone is disturbing. I guess I shouldn't look at them BUT I still know that they are there.

Have you had a panic attack? Heart races. Trouble getting a deep breath. Light headed. Yuck. My mind is so much stronger than my body. I have had a handful of these attacks since Gary died and I am getting pretty good at controlling them now.

It is so hard to believe that he is really gone somedays. Other times it feels as if he has been gone for years. Unbelievable.

No, I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I really am fine. I just got home from Javiers and a little retail therapy. We watched Friday Night Lights and now I am unwinding and as I told you before - nights are the hardest times for me. Also, going out and seeing couple everywhere I look gets depressing sometimes. It just all brings me back to this place of being a young widow and mourning the loss of my previous life. Life with Gary is gone and now I have to make a new life and basically start over. Getting started in the first place was hard enough when I was 23. I know I can do it but I know this is going to be one tough road.

Don't worry about me. I am calming down now and am going to go upstairs and fold laundry and get to bed. I have an early start to my day.

Thanks for listening. I am okay - promise. Don't send me e-mails with referrals of the nearest head doctor or try to fix me. I am doing that all on my own and I am good. Prayer and meditation always works - every single time. God is good.

Love and Hugs,
L

HATE BEING COLD

I am the typical spoiled California Girl! I H A T E to be cold. I NEVER EVER like being cold. It takes too long for me to warm up. Now, I do love being on the slopes BUT I have hand and foot warmers and all the appropriate gear to keep me as warm as possible. I am such a first class wimp.

It is much easier for me to cool down. Put me in the desert anyday over the Alps - although the scenery is so beautiful in the mountains. I am getting sidetracked. I am talking purely temps not actual local.

I was FREEZING at the fields tonight. I had my SC chair, my Mr. Heater double burner and a fleece blanket and I was still cold. Lisa pointed out to me that the reason I was freezing was because I had cleavage showing and my jacket was not buttoned up to my neck. She might be right and I hadn't the foggiest idea that I even had any cleavage showing. Had I had my jacket totally buttoned I might have been a degree warmer I suppose. Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that I hate being cold and I couldn't wait to get in my car and crank the heat up! That was one heavenly moment after my long suffering at the fields!

The boys were hungry when we got home so I had to fix meal #2. This grounding from the snack bar is killing me at night. I hope they can behave so that I can reinstate their rights to purchase their dinner at night. They have been barred for a week now due to their uncharacteristically disrespectful behavior. I hope they learn their lesson.

Spring Break is here - almost. I am super excited! I am gonna party like a rockstar...................in my dreams! Maybe the sleeping in part will be like that of rockstars but I doubt anything else will be.

Off to slumber.

Hugs and Kisses,
L

FIGHTING

I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel as if the only thing I do is referee the boys knock downs! Right now Nate and Jax are separated because they just can't seem to get along. I have a no tolerance policy in this house. I HATE fighting and nastiness.
The entire night at the ball fields I had to repremand Nate and Jax. It makes me so incredibly angry. They were just about to regain their trips to the snackbar and they had to blow it and lost that privilege for yet another week. Zach is the only one who gets to eat there tomorrow night - barring he doesn't blow it, too! It is the one thing I can take away that really hurts the boys. They love the snack bar. Love it, love it, love it. Finally I have some ammo!

So, I asked the boys to tell me 2 things they liked about eachother. Guess what? I got so impatient with their "I dunno" response that I split them apart and told them that they had better have some good answers for me in the morning!
Mommy needs a time out!

Zach is helping me get the trash out and things picked up. Tomorrow is our last baseball game for about 3 weeks. We will have practice but that is it. It will be nice not to have to be at the fields 7X a week for a few weeks.

I am dropping off my car to get it fixed up tomorrow. The Suburban should be done soon and both cars will have new owners. I am really excited for this to happen. I wish I could get the cars to them yesterday!

Spring break is days away. We are going to the Angels Game on Saturday and going out to the desert for 3 days during the week with friends. It will be a nice break.

The dogs need groomed and trimmed. I think I am going to have a service come to me and have it done here at the house. It is really stressful for Hobie to be away all day.

Well, off to do my chores now that the "endless witching hours" are over.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and great day tomorrow!

xo
L

A HUGE THANK YOU

I need to thank my friends. You know who you are. You are the ones who lift me out of my trench. You call me even when you know I don't want to talk. You show up at my house to check on me. You make sure I am not alone and you invite me places so I don't feel left out. You hang with my boys and help me move furniture. You seek me out to see how I am and you don't care if I tell you that my day sucked!

The past 10 weeks I have lived in somewhat of a fog. Time has passed by so quickly but at the same time it has been a painfully slow process of readjustment. Some of you have witnessed my whining, crying boys. Many of you listen to me vent and bitch and moan about how crappy my days have been. No judgement and that is HUGE. So many people are so judgemental and that really stinks. It feels good to have people I can be brutally honest with.

Life is hard right now. Everything is complicated. Nothing is ordinary. Nothing feels right yet. I know it will. In the meantime we will just keep plugging along and trying to figure out how to put the pieces of our "puzzle" back together.

My friends are so important - you have no idea. I know I have not been the best friend to some of you. I hardly have time to think let alone really pour into my friendships and yet you carry me through this time and expect nothing in return. Thank you for not judging me (I know I already said that but I really mean it) and for accepting me just as I am. Thanks for the countless hours of listening and for helping me in every single area of my life. I hope not one of you ever has to go through what we are going through right now. This is so big and scary and hard and unimaginable.

It's times like these when you find out who's on the team. Thanks to those who have stepped up to bat for us and who have supported and loved us. I love my friends and I am thankful to be so loved by so many of them. We look forward to sharing our wonderful future with all of you.

Love and Thanks,
L

BTW - I met with my school counselor and I am going back to school to get my Nursing Degree. I am super excited. Anatomy here I come! Keep your fingers crossed!

Happy Sunday

We had a great day today. Went to church then to Costco then to do snack bar inventory then home.............for the rest of the day! I love being home. Home Group came over tonight and we grilled out and had great conversation and it was awesome!

This week is going to go by so fast and then we will have 9 glorious days with NO HOMEWORK and NO LUNCHES and NO EARLY BEDTIMES! Yeah!!! We are going to have loads of fun and I am really looking forward to that.

We are going to spend most of our time at the beach. Zach and Matt are going to try and bike and I will really continue to help Jax learn to ride his bike. I am tired of running beside him down the street hunched over trying to anticipate his falling.

All 3 boys had more than excellent progress reports this trimester. I am so incredibly proud of them. Despite everything we are going through they have all kept their grades up with no behavioral changes. I guess they save that for me at home.

I have done some serious soul searching over the past week. Many of you know that this past week has been the most difficult week since Gary died. I will have to share my soul with you this week at some point in time in this blog. But, too time consuming right now and at 10 PM on Sunday night my brain is not working so well.

I am off to the gym in the morning and then to L.A. at some point in time to pick some stuff up that I ordered.
Have the best Monday ever!
xoxo
L

My Little Bargain Hunters

As promised..........The garage sale find of the year....................
A Trek 26" mountain bike with shocks and 24 gears for.....................$40.00!
Zach and Nate are stoked. Good job boys.

We are actually home tonight. No social events. No phone calls. Just us. Hanging out. Enjoying the KCA (Kids Choice Awards) while the laundry is going and the sinks are bleaching.

Baseball was long today. Both Nate and Zach's games were 2 1/2 hours. It was a beautiful day though and if I could get Jax to stop chewing his glove while in the field I would be an even happier baseball mom!

My friend Ron who owns Audiofonix did a great job installing my DVD player and back up camera in our car. I have no idea how to work anything but he will give me a tutorial tomorrow. The boys love the car BUT are bummed they cannot eat in it. They think I am going to cave. Zach told someone to just give me a week and they will all be eating and drinking in this car! Fat chance in hell! Mark my words.

I just love my boys. I love the people who surround me each day. I love laughing with my girlfriends.
I miss my life before Gary died. I miss Gary. I can't even look at a photo of him yet I have a hard time even remembering our life before cancer. It is a true battle of the mind each day. Everything around me is happy. Smiles and love and good times and fond memories. Yet, I have a small piece of me that feels empty. I am very used to being married. I loved being married. Being single is not something I would have ever wished for. Being alone is not for me but I bet I am going to learn a lot about myself and having to be 3 little boys "everything" is a sobering reality check.

Today it seems like Gary died a long time ago. Zach and I were just having a conversation about this. Why does it seem like so much time has passed? He died January 10th and it is now March 28th. 10 weeks. That really is not a whole lot of time. It seems like years. Maybe because he was so sick for so long. I dunno. I could sit here all night trying to figure out the whole concept of time but I am not going to.

I guess I will feel sad for a little while longer. I think seeing his photo tonight triggered this sadness. I occasionally come across pictures and I just have to look the other way even though I really want to look at them.

Over Spring Break the kids and I are going to go to the Getty Museum and to the Griffith Observatory to see Gary's star. They have been asking me to do this so we are going for sure! I hope we can find it through that awesome telescope they have.

Hurley and Hobie had playdates today and they are whipped. Yes, I finally cleaned up the dog poop in my dining room Kelley! No more poop in the house! I have been vacuuming but both dogs hate the vacuum cleaner so I am taking a break from that for a while.

Zach is reading next to me and the boys are tired and ready for bed. Home Group is coming for dinner and fun tomorrow night and we are grilling out.

I have no words of wisdom for any of you. Too tired.
Boys are in the showers. I need to get some clean towels to them.

I think everyone should get up tomorrow morning and go to church. Thank God for everything in your life. What doesn't kill you will truly make you stronger. Hopefully I get stronger each day. Thankful I am. Thankful to God for the gift of my children and of my life and my friends and family. Thankful that HE is in control and I am not.

Ciao,

xo Lisa

There will be NO SLEEPING IN

Me. Fake crying. Maybe even a little whimper and a whole lotta whining. Do you know why?
IT IS 6:50 AM ON SATURDAY MORNING! I WANT TO SLEEP!
But, guess what?
I AM NOT. Do you want to know why?
Well, on our way home last night as we pulled into our neighborhood (around 10 PM) the boys became excited.
Excited because all of the streets were adorned with magic signs that read GARAGE SALE.
Oh Mom! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can we go to all of the neighborhood garage sales? We go every year! Last year I got that cool skimboard for 4 bucks. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?????????????
Seriously, I wanted to just flat out say NO NO NO NO NO. But, the pushover that you all know me to be (ha) got the best of me and now I am blogging quickly before I get them out of bed to have some family bonding time as we garage sale together.
MY ONLY DAY TO SLEEP IN. My eyes are still glued shut.
I am going to suck it up, not complain, and bargain hunt with the boys. I will try not to socialize with neighbors too much so that we waste no time. The boys already have our route planned out. We walk part of the way THEN we get in the car so that we can make better time and we go the whole "drive by" thing. If it looks good, the boys hop out and I park.
Off to the garage sales! I hope to be home by 9.
I will let you all know what our great find was today!
xoxo
L

L&M Automotive

Charlie Smith is one great guy. I know Charlie from Little League and he was on the board with me last year.

At the same time that I blogged that I needed to find someone to help me fix the cars I forgot that I had sent him an E-mail to see if he could help me or really if he knew someone who could help me get the cars fixed. Charlie owns L&M Automotive in Laguna Hills. He has been so super great to me in the past and he has done it once again.

I would highly recommend Charlie if any of you are looking for a mechanic. Charlie is honest and he has great customer service. I take all of my cars to him.

So, cancel the tall order of finding a mechanic. I got one!

Love,
L

MECHANIC NEEDED FOR GIFTS

Okay. Here is the story.

I need a mechanic who is willing to donate his talent and time to work some magic on my cars. I got a new car and instead of trading the cars in or having some random company pick the cars up I REALLY WANT TO GIVE THESE CARS TO FAMILIES WHO DESPERATELY NEED THEM. It is the absolute least I can do to start to give back. You have all given us so much and we are so blessed. We want to bless others.

My 2000 Expedition works well with a few minor problems. My 1998 Suburban works well as long as I jump start it each time. It has a new battery in it and new cables. I am not sure what is causing the issue.

I know that someone has got to know someone who can help to make this possible. I do not think it will take that much work to get these cars to the families.

I would tell you who the cars are going to but I also want to protect their privacy. Let's just say that the vehicles are going to people who really, really, need them. Gary would be so happy and the boys and I really want to do this.

Let me know if you have a lead on anyone who can help.

xoxo
Lisa

Monday, March 23

Dog Poo. I am sick and tired of dog poo. I could seriously devote this entire entry to doggy diarrhea. Hobie gets into Hurley's food - diarrhea. Hurley eats Hobie's food - diarrhea. On my carpet. On the concrete outside. Seemingly everywhere I turn. Ok, I am not an idiot. I do try and separate the dogs when they are eating. However, with 3 kids calling my name and the phone ringing I sometimes lose track of the dogs. I have been looking at this spot on my carpet now for 2 days trying to figure out how to get the stain out. It's exhausting and DISGUSTING!

So, I have not had a computer for a few days. The dogs got up on our kitchen table and pulled the cord out of the computer and knocked over my drink. I got an appointment at the Genius Bar today and they took the computer apart and fixed it right there on the spot for zero dinero! I know you are wondering why the dogs were on the table. Who the heck knows! I do know that Hobie is the ring leader BUT Hurley must bring out that mischevious side of Hobie. Bad but daring dogs!

For those of you who only have a PC - first let me to tell how sorry I am. Next, when my computer has issues (which are few and far between - 2X in 5 years to be exact) I get to have a live person who speaks english and does not live in India fix my computer. You all know what I am talking about. "Hello. My name is Ed. I am located in the Ohio Call Center. How may I help you?" (Come on. Say it with the accent.) You know it's true and that is what makes it so darn funny. With a Mac, no fuss, no muss. Shear perfection! Love my computer.

Zach went to Big Bear and went snowboarding all day today with Matt for his birthday. They had a great time. Zach got some air off of a rail or box or something and fell fairly hard on his tailbone. He is still complaining. At least he and Matt didn't break any arms, wrists or legs.

Nate and Jax took a personal day today as well and they slept in and we went to lunch at Rubys. We had to go to Smart & Final for the snackbar and our friend Ron, who owns Audiofonix, took a look at my car to see what back up camera I need as well as a DVD player for the boys.

Nate went to a birthday party for a better part of the day and had a great time. He has been so sweet and loving. The boys and I had to come to an understanding about the way we treat eachother. We have had loads of complaining and fighting and pestering and bitching and teasing and so much more. We are now focused on trying to get along and really be supportive of eachother. We shall see how long it lasts.

Spring Break is coming. I have nothing planned with the exception of some baseball. We are going to sleep in and we might even stay in our jammies all day one day.

The boys are doing well in baseball and our church is hanging in through the recession. It is hard living in our area because we do not see the full effects of the recession sometimes. When I am running to the mall or going out to dinner it always feels crowded to me. I know people are cutting back as we all should. I hope our economy bounces back sooner than later. No more pay cuts or job losses.

Laundry is going. Dishes are in the sink and I am way too lazy to wash them. It was either dishes or blog. I couldn't let you down! Dancing With The Stars is on. Diarrhea stain still there staring me in the face. I want it to just go away. Remember I told you that I don't do poo. Yuck! Cream carpet sucks. That is why I have black leather interior in my car. I am half tempted to hire someone to come and clean the stain. That just sounds so awful but it makes my stomach turn.

I am starting to do daily devotionals with the boys each morning. It is something I have wanted to do again because when we did that each day it was just a great way to start our day off. The kids are reminded exactly Who created them and hopefully WHY they are here!

Love to you all,
L

INSIGHT - Not too deep

I must say that I am one hell of a planner! After the day I have had today the spa could not have come on a better day. I am heading to Burke Williams for the morning and I am really looking forward to getting away from the daily grind for a few hours.

I am listening to Flo Rida. HAVE YOU ever listened to the words? Interesting words and so not appropriate. The tune is super catchy and I regularily work out to this song in some of my classes but I do hope kids do not listen to this music.

Now, my library has selected In The Blink Of An Eye. We played this song at Gary's funeral. Love this song. Sums up my life. We only have so much time to make a difference and I want to make a difference. I have made serious headway in the last 8 weeks despite my exhaustion and down moments. I am moving forward and making the most of my life and I am scared but really excited to see what God has in store for me.

I hope I am not alone the rest of my life. For 2 years I have been grieving Gary's passing. When you get a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis (cancer like Gary's) you basically know that death is eminent from this disease. You hold on to hope like we did but we both knew. Gary knew. I knew. But, Gary and I lived everyday for over a year one day at a time fighting this disease and giving Gary as much time as we could. I hope Gary would be pleased with the time we bought him and that he died with dignity and surrounded by hundreds of friends. He was so incredibly loved by me and by the kids and by everyone around him. So blessed.

Gary and I had such a wonderful marriage and I am so happy that we did. It was a very healthy relationship and I thank God for that every day. The mailman asked how my "handicap" husband was doing today. I told him and once again I managed to shock yet another unsuspecting soul with a tale of untimely death. He was truly shocked and then gave me the pity look like most do. It's okay. No one should be feeling that way towards me. I am going to be fine. Self sufficient. Emotionally healthy. Strength beyond measure (God given). Gary wanted me to be fine and he had faith (more than I did) that I was going to be just that. More than fine. I guess I will prove him right and be just that!

Zach is finishing reading. I am going to get a good night sleep because the "spa" needs me to be rested! I think I am playing Laser Tag tomorrow in the evening with friends. Nate has a game but if I miss 1 game it should not be that big of a deal!
Friday night I get to go out with the girls. Maybe we will stay local and go to Beachfire in Ladera. Saturday night I get dinner with friends again. I am going to be super spoiled this week. I am looking forward to it.

Spring Break is coming. 9 days off. NO lunches. NO laundry. NO homework. NO schedule. We do have baseball but when you take everything else out of the equation baseball doesn't seem all that time consuming. Love that more than you know. Lots of beach time and surfing for us. Zach and Nate want to go mountain biking. Swim. Play. Relax. Margarita. Relax. Relax.

Matt- waiting for Hornitos!

Have a great night. Remember to seize every opportunity to help others. You can make a difference more
than you know in the smallest of ways. You have one chance in this life to get things right. Get on it and just do it!

Love and Hugs,
L

Still Here

Gary died 8 weeks ago. I can hardly believe it. Everytime I go to blog I see his picture and it still feels like he is here. 8 weeks. So much has happened in 8 weeks.

Baseball has started. Sleep deprivation has crept in and remained. Medical bills are piling up. Taking the trash cans out. Packing lunches every single day is getting OLD. Finding the right philips screwdriver to fix a drawer is challenging. Security lighting needs to be installed. What else can I complain about? Becoming a true single parent is such an adjustment! So many people are divorced but they still have an EX to help carry the load.

Thanks for letting me vent. Some of you know that about me very well. I do not hold on to things. I get pissed. I vent. I reflect. I gain perspective. I move forward and this all happens pretty quickly. I do not have time to sit around and stew over things. I want to learn from experiences and grow from them. I do not want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

I am really hanging in there. I am fine. Nights are hardest. Seeing his picture and thinking about how sick he was is still hard. Knowing what he endured each day still makes my stomach turn. I have my up times (way more than the down times) and I cherish all of the time I spend with the boys and with my friends. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. God must think I am special because he has given me so many special people to come along side of my family.

So, I took the message off of my phone so Gary's voice is officially gone. He is still on our answering machine at home but I love that message and I am going to keep it on there. I am getting ready to get rid of both of our vehicles BUT trying to get a new car is so difficult right now. The dealers are out of stock and I really don't want to special order a car and risk losing incentives. It is a little frustrating and thank God I have John and Matt and Steve helping me. The guys at the dealership would so take advantage of me and they have already tried via the telephone! Scheisters they are! Shame on them. I have issues with car salesmen. Even the Fleet Managers are a little tough to work with. I am patient. I can wait for the right opportunity and I will.

I am finally getting a new computer as Gary's has been attacked and eaten by viruses and my Mac is very old. It will be nice to be able to manipulate my blog and actually freely navigate the web without be shut out for not being able to download the newest this or that!

Let's get back to the boys. My boys. They are so awesome. They are all so smart and such great boys. I am so proud of them and I just love them to pieces. They are so sweet to me and try so hard to do what I need them to do. Despite several attempts to be the best they can be I find myself forced to face the truth.They are boys. Small men in the making. Not capable of multi-tasking or picking up towels off the floor or taking their cups out of their sliding shorts or belts off their pants. They spill food everywhere and think that the backseat of our car is their tabletop! They leave their bikes in the middle of the garage and they put empty containers back in the fridge.Sometimes they even forget to flush the toilet - imagine that! Any of you relating to me or am I just not cracking the whip hard enough?

They obviously think I am a human ATM machine especially when we are at the snack shack at the fields. I think I spent over $20 tonight on their dinners and junk! They are going to eat me out of house and home. At the rate they are going they should all grow to be gigantours!

It sounds funny when I read what I have written and there is serious humor there. Sometimes when I am going through the above mentioned "hardships presented to me by the boys" I find it hard to find any shred of humor in it. But because they are the greatest kids and I don't hold on to things for too long I see the joy and funniness in their antics and I can actually laugh about it when I remove myself from it! I just can't get enough of them and I thank God every day that Gary has given me these three beautiful blonde little boys to have in my life. They keep me busy and laughing and humble and so many other things. Cling on kid is doing much better and I am actually able to be away from him a little longer each day it seems. Baby steps for us all. That is all I can ask at this point. We are all on a new learning curve and taking each day as it comes.

Well, off to bed because tomorrow is coming and I am going to have a houseful of girlies from church spending the night at my house and I am sure sleep will not be one of their top priorities. We are playing Laser Tag at the Kaleidoscope and having pizza and shopping! I am really excited to spend time with them.

God is so good and has blessed all of us in different ways. Find your blessings and focus on those. That's what God wants us to do.

Be good to yourselves and love one another!

xoxo
Lisa

THE DAY TO DAY STUFF

Crying. Whining. Moaning. Complaining. Sick. Tired. Drained. Exhausted. Sleep deprived. Tension. Frustration.
Ever feel like any of those?

Take your pick. I have felt like a combination of most of those over the past few weeks. Kids sick. Kids whining. Kids crying. I'm moaning because I've had it. I'm tired because my kids become helicopters when they sleep with me - hence the sleep deprivation. Tension? From what you ask? I guess just life. Frustration? How many times do you have to tell your kids to PICK UP THE WET TOWEL OFF THE BATHROOM FLOOR??????????

However, all that being said, I am in a fairly good mood. I have a girls night out planned. Planned being the operative word because the plan has not been carried out yet. Factor in the Cling On Kid (you know I am not going to tell you which one it is) and a few tears mixed with some hacking and a sore throat and we will see if that whole girls night out even happens. Yet, I am looking forward to the possibility of actually getting dressed and going out.

This single most important thing is that our family is together and we are laughing and getting through this difficult time. The kids are not angry at God for allowing Gary to die - that is huge in my book. The mere talk of Hurley pooping on the kitchen floor and then strangly trying to eat it can break tension and bad moods in a nano second. Hobie is getting better slowly. There are just so many good little things that happen everyday. I will take a smile here and there and some laughter - even when it is not the appropriate time to laugh. Cling On kid loves to snuggle and instead of wishing I could have some more time to myself I will embrace his snuggle and be glad that he loves me so much.

So much is going on. Snack bar shopping needs to be done. Kids are going to the Ducks game tonight. Zach and all of his buddies are all fired up about the Power Balance Bracelets. Zach is determined to get a bracelet before his game tomorrow because he knows it will help with his game performance. If you want information on Power Balance just go to www.powerbalance.net. Pretty neat stuff.

So, I am off to kick box and then to Zach's Spelling Bee. He came in 2nd last year so hopefully he will do as well this year.

Peace and Love and Joy to all of you. I will hopefully be drinking a margarita tonight!

Love, L

Medicine Cups

My kitchen is so attractive as the medicine cups line up all along the back side of the sink. Some of them fall into the garbage disposal - I am of course completely unaware until I turn the dang thing on and I hear this awful garbling noise. Another cup bites the dust. I should probably buy stock in the dang things.

Zach was sick. Then Nate - pneumonia. Now Jax. It is so nice that the brothers share. So giving and loving.
Jax has a sinus infection and the flu. High fever (gone now thank God) and his whole body ached. Cough. Sore throat. Yuck.
Evidently, this "plague" is running rampid throughout all of our schools and it has been hitting the kids hard.
I am ready for a sick free house. I hate being "trapped" - I say that very lovingly but I do hate it.
I am finally getting caught up on all my laundry and housework.

For those of you who call me cell phone I am trying to get Gary's voice recorded so that I can get that message off of it. The boys really want me to record it even though we have video of Gary. I need to go buy a recorder so that I can move forward with that.

I had an appt. with our phschologist today but had to cancel because Jax is home with me. Jax is getting his cast off today which is very exciting. He really is happy about taking a long hot shower and of course jumping on the trampoline. He has asked me 10X today. He is also really wanting to hit during the baseball games. Hopefully it won't be much longer before he can do that.

I am getting a new computer as mine is very old and outdated and slow. It will be nice not to have computer issues. I never have problems per say with my Mac but it is 5 years old and it is time.

Off and running.

xoxo
Lisa

I will blog more later.

Light

So, I got back from camp last weekend and the theme was "Be The Light". The kids had a great time and we had tons of snow! I just love all of the kids. We had such a great time together. They are all different and they are all special. I feel very blessed that I have these opportunities to spend time with them.

I have been thinking about the theme and I love it. We all need to be a light to the people around us and God is that light in each one of us. The purpose of being here on this earth is to be in community with all of the lives we touch each day either directly or indirectly. We all need help getting through this life. We all need to be light to others. My desire is to really be that light to others but right now I do not think there is much light coming from me. I feel it occasionally but not so much right now.

I am having a very difficult time.
Disclaimer - not a pity party. Just sharing thoughts.

I am 37 and a widow (such an ugly word). Being alone with 3 boys and knowing that I hopefully have a long road ahead me but going down that road and being by myself is an awful thought. Gary knew everything about me and loved me just the same. I have lost that now.

The boys and I had a hard weekend at camp. This is a huge part of my problem. The boys are emotionally draining me. I am drained. Tapped out. Trying my hardest. Somewhat losing the battle. This is all to be expected.

I am equipped to handle this but I need some guidance and some help to make sure this is normal and to make sure I am doing and saying the right things.

I am seeing a family therapist next Thursday. I need help processing through some of this. I did not think I would get to this point but here I am. I want all of us to come out of this with healthy minds and souls.

Hobie is having a hard time. When he is away from the house he seems to be fine. When he is home it is pitiful. He is so depressed and it tugs on my heart. He mopes around with his head down. Poor Hobie.

I don't do "depressed" well. I am cheery and upbeat and happy and positive and full of light. I want to be full of light but so many things are dimming my light. I need to help those things so they stop draining me.

I have a terrible headache for a week and I am sick of it. I just got home with Nate for the 2nd time this week at the doc office and he has pneumonia. His chest xray shows most of it in his left lobe but a little in the right as well. Antibiotics and rest for Nate.

Opening Day at Little League is in the morning! We are doing a pancake breakfast and the day should be fun!

Have a great day. By the way, while my "light" is dim can you all ramp it up a bit and be a brighter light? This way I won't feel bad about being dim for a while!

Love to you all,
Lisa

Nate Update

So, Nate is still in pain but there have been no changes thus far in his movement or behavior. He slept well last night and he is excited to go to camp. I told him that he needs to take it easy all day and that if things stay the same I will take him.
Thank God. At this stage in the game I praise God that his injury was not worse.
Cesar Milan needs to take Hobie and put him in the compound where a bunch of pits can teach him some manners!
Now that would be a sight!
Have a blessed weekend and pray for us as we go up the mountain! 22 boys & men and 8 girls and me!
Love and Hugs,
L

LONGEST WEEK EVER - Nate is okay

Camp. Snack bar. Camp. Snack bar. Baseball. Printer issues. Computer problems. ER. Puppy poo everywhere. Whining - and not the dog!

I swear. I am totally overwhelmed this week. Everything seems to be happening at once. I can't wait for February 28th. Camp will be over (although I absolutely LOVE going to camp - I hate getting ready) and Little League Opening Day will be over.
Baseball is in full swing. That brings me to my latest story.

Wait. Wait. Wait. I have to first tell you about Zach's run in.

It's 10 PM the other night and Zach is with a bunch of teenagers (who will remain anonymous) and they all have paintball and air soft guns. They are playing at Bathgate Elementary and having a great time. Evidently, a neighbor phones the police department because they saw "guys with guns" at the school.
Picture this......Zach is on the curb sitting down amongst all the teens. As the kids go down the line telling the officers what grade they are in they get to Zach. 8th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 9th grade, and then there is my 4th grader.
Who, by the way, was spending the night at the M's house. They were completely and utterly responsible for my child. I guess they will never be watching him again now that I know how liberal they are!!! HA HA

The police called the M's house and S had to come pick the boys up from their curbside post. I hope they learned their lesson!
They talk about it like it was really cool to get caught. I hope and pray that is the absolute worst run in any of my boys EVER have with law inforcement.

Back to tonight. We had some more excitement. When Gary was in the hospital, Nate was the only one who did not make an ER trip. How proud we were of him. Well, he made up for it tonight.

We were at the fields while Jax and Zach were practicing and Nate was holding Hobie. Hobie is the greatest dog but has severe leash aggression. Hobie saw another dog and darted (he is super strong) and Nate was holding the leash. Nate fell and slammed his left temple into the corner of the bleachers. He cried and cried and cried for over and hour.

I pulled the boys out of practice and I rushed him to the ER at Mission and Matt picked Zach, Jax, Hobie, and Hurley up from the ER and took them home.

Todd met me which was nice. Matt's Mom fast tracked us in and that was so great! We were there about an hour. Nate is going to have a bruise and has a possible concussion but that seems to be the extent.

I am watching him closely. He only ate half of his dinner (mac & cheese - all-time fav) and would not eat ice cream (next all-time fav). Nate never gives up food. He did say his head still really hurts and he has been very quiet since we returned home.
In the ER, he kept Todd and I very entertained. I do not think he has talked that much in the past 7 years. He was going off having the best time talking! It was so great.

So, home from the ER. Nate can't go to school tomorrow. Matt is watching him while I go to the gym (I know, I am selfish).
We are off to camp at 3:30 and all of the kids are so excited that we are going to be in so much snow!

Hurley is great. He uses his paper - most of the time. He went to the vet today and everything checks out okay.
Hobie likes him. That's a good thing although he is still very sullen. He will get better eventually and without drugs!

That's it. I thought we had had our fill of hospitals but today proved that theory bunk. Hopefully, it will be a long while before we go back!

Off to get packed. All the boys are in my room - 2 on the floor and 1 in my bed! They love to snuggle. They are such great kids!

I will change that dang photo on the top of the blog soon as well as my voicemail message. It is too hard to hear his voice and it is too painful to look at Gary. He was so sick in that picture.

I think I will put Hurley and Hobie in his place. Hurley's AKC registered name is Hurley Gene Simmons. Gary would love that. He has the LONGEST tongue - Holy cow!

Good night and have a great weekend!

Love, L

Short Update

I have had a bad day today. Ren and The Poole's showed up tonight with goodies and flowers for me and that cheered me up a bit.

Valentines Day marked our 14th Anniversary of our first date and kiss. Today would have been our 13th Wedding Anniversary.
The boys have been clingy to say the least. No sleepovers anywhere. In my room glued to me. Understandable.

Today the boys were beyond whiney and they spent the day complaining and crying about not having a Dad. I totally understand but today for I guess obvious reason it took its toll on me and I felt like I was going to crack!
I saw a photo of Gary in the boys room yesterday and I know why I took them all down. It is very hard for me to look at pics of him.

They don't even understand that this affects me too. They aren't suppose to. They are young.
I just need a time out I guess. Too much emotional turmoil for me today. I do not function well in chaos and highly charged emotional environments.

I need to go. I will remember to tell you in the next few days about Zach's first experience with law enforcement.
Gotcha wondering, don't I?

Have a happy night.
Love, L

Defining Moments

I have made a fairly big decision. I think it is the first one I have made on my own. Usually Gary and I make all of the decisions together and it feels good to have your spouse supporting you in those decisions and visa versa. This time I did it all by myself.
Drumroll please...................

I have decided that I am NOT going to allow cancer to define me.

Cancer is negative. There is nothing redeeming about cancer. Nothing. Cancer has been a huge part of my life like so many others but I refuse to allow something so negative to define who I am now or who I am going to be. Gary has died. He was the love of my life. We shared everything but now he is gone. There is nothing I can do about that but I do have a choice as to how the rest of my life will play out. I allowed to many negative things in my past to define me and for 6 years after high school when I looked in the mirror I didn't even know myself.

Facebook is such a great thing. I am talking to people I have not spoken with in 19 years. I just love getting back into contact with the people I have so many fond memories of. Do you want to know why I have not spoken to these people? It's just like I said above. I allowed the things that were going on in my life to change me and DEFINE me and it interferred with my relationships.

I grew up with a schitzophrenic brother and family life was hard. I picked the absolute WRONG boyfriend in my Senior Year. Why did I pick him? I needed to fill a void. I needed to be needed. I wanted so badly for someone to pay attention to me. My Dad had lost his job and they were moving out of state and leaving me behind. This WRONG boyfriend was in my life WAY TOO long and I made terrible choices. I cut off relationships and my life was so incredibly messy.

It took me years trying to figure out how to do things right. In the last 2 years of my relationship with this boyfriend I managed to get a hold of myself and get strong enough to get out. God's grace got me through. Now, it took some time and I delved into Codependent books and took the advice of people who had much greater wisdom than I had and I worked very hard at redefining who I am. Once I got myself in a good place and got heart healthy I was able to open myself up and meet the man I always knew I deserved. Gary was such an amazing husband and father.

Had I not found myself I would have never married Gary. I refused to let the "past" determine how I was going to live out the next part. I took no baggage from that part.

I am going to do the same with this part of my life. Cancer will not define me nor will it weigh me down with its ugly baggage and I hope I can give my kids that gift as well.

I choose to take the very best parts of what we have gone through and apply them to our life from here on out. You are asking how there could be good parts? Well, for the hundreds of you who have gone on this journey with us know there is goodness because you have seen it firsthand. Tragedy brings out the very best in people. It brought out the best in Gary and I hope it brought out the best in me. The caring and loving and laughing and sharing and martini parties and baseball gatherings and on and on and on that went on during Gary's illness are the things I choose to hold close to my heart. Our life before cancer I will choose to hold on to. Gary's smile and amazing strength is another thing I will hold on to.

Instead of getting overwhelmed and lost in what most people would consider tragic I am going to make our life into something great. Our neighbor Bette died a week before Gary. Gary and Bette loved hanging out and many of you met her. Bette was a wonderful woman. She always told me "When life gives you a lemon you'd better learn how to make lemonade!" It is so true. We are moving forward and going to make some lemonade.

I am still going to have a sad day and a bad day and a frustrating day BUT that is all they will amount to - a day.

I don't want to go at this alone. I am taking all of you with me. I want all of you to take your baggage and give it to God. Figure it out and process it and get rid of it. Take the good from it and leave the rest behind. Don't let negativity be a dominant part of your life. It is not healthy for any of us to do that.

Many people say that misery loves company. Content people love company too!

I have to put the boys to bed now.
My prayer for you is to get rid of yuckiness - if you have it. Do what it takes to cleanse your soul and get a smile on your face! I promise to try to do that every single day!

Love,
L

Nights

Nights are the hardest for me. It is so quiet (I like that) but there is such a thing as too quiet. This is a "forced" quiet. Not by choice. I can hear Hobie chewing on his toy in the other room. I can hear the buzz of electricity throughout the house. Nothing on TV. I KNOW American Idol is on but for whatever reason I have no interest in that right now. I could never live in a Monestary and take a vow of silence. I have way too much to say. For those of you who have to listen to me all the time - deal! HAHA

Today was busy and I am scattered. Todd and I were talking today about me - all my issues it seems. I have been struggling with the fact that I am having a difficult time focusing.

I understand that part of grief is this insane loss of focus. I know what I need to do. I always have. I make a mental note and it gets done. I am seriously organized and punctual and type A (no snickering about my OCD tendencies that you might THINK I have). I have never had to have a "To Do" list in my life.

Gary was never good about doing things without a list. Many of my friends husbands (sorry guys) are the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. LEAVE ME A NOTE. CALL MY VM. POST IT ON FB. I know how guys are. It's not your fault. You use a different part of your brain. I will make a slight disclaimer - not all of you fit into this category and I'm not naming names.

So, I have become this "list maker" so that I don't forget things. I have gone back to my Covey instead of relying on my Treo. I have to have things in front of my face and it sucks. I hate this. I want my old brain back.

Hoefully I can move through thie grieving process swiftly and get back a hold of myself.

So many of you write to me, post on my FB, E-mail me, call me and all the other things you do. Thank you all so very much. I read everything and I have every intention of responding promptly to you but I fall short and time passes and then I forget what I was supposed to do or what I wanted to do. Heck, I forget what I need at Pavilions when I am standing in the middle of the store.

Funny how the brain works.

This void I feel without Gary is not a black bottomless hole. I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't need to look for it because I know where he is. I don't need to fill it up because God does that for me. I just need to be okay that it is there and be patient as God changes me and molds me through this time. He is working on me every day (I need it!) and I know I will come through this stronger than ever and my faith is and will become stronger than ever.

I can't even fathom how people go through something of this magnitude without Jesus. He is the ONLY reason Gary is in heaven right now. How do people find the light in life in dark times without faith? We are not capable of doing this on our own. We were not created that way. God is constant. He waits for us even when we are independent and are too stubborn to admit that we can't go at it on our own. God is good. Thank God he forgives us or we'd all be in trouble.

I will tell you how insanely exciting my life is right now. Laundry. Valentines. Homework X3. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner - my gosh EVERY single day. Paperwork. Bills. Driving. Making beds - HATE THAT!. Are you jealous yet?

Hey, it's my job. I am the Mom. When I was filling out a questionaire (you know the ones friends send you with the 50 questions like favorite color, etc..) I stumbled on how to define myself. The new me is everything I always have been with the exception of being a wife. That was a reality check. Wow. It's all me now.

God gives me grace and patience and He has given me all of you. You are all so faithful and loving and amazing. I thank God for you everyday because like I said before I could not get through this without you.

Off to laundry heaven.

Say your prayers and brush your teeth!

Love, Lisa

Snow and Ashes

I know. Strange title.

The kids and I played hookey yesterday and headed up to Big Bear. We left at 5:30 AM and dropped Jax off at Tanner's house on our way. Poor Jax. He is not allowed to ski/board with the pins still in his arm. His pins will come out soon and he will have his final cast so that is some good news. I am not sure how happy he will be when they remove the pins but I do plan on giving him some codeine beforehand - doctors orders.

Back to our day.

We picked half of the Muck family up and we headed up the mountain. Here is where the fun part starts.
Chains went on in Redlands due to the snow and ice - obviously. We ventured up the mountain at 30 MPH. Let me say that driving with chains is very, very noisy.
After almost sliding off the road we finally made it to the top and headed to Blauer to get our gear.
The kids were so excited. Big Bear has so much snow. It is amazingly beautiful.

We boarded/skied all day until we closed the mountain down. The weather was perfect, the conditions were awesome (let's not compare Big Bear to Mammoth/Colorado please), and THERE WAS NO ONE THERE! Many times we would be on a trail with no one in sight. It was so great.

Zach and Nick boarded all over the mountain and did their rails and boxes and whatever else they do. Black Diamond runs (once again, no comparisons please) were the talk of the day as Zach actually went down The Bowl! Nate surprised me as well. Steph and I took off down a run with Nate and then we split up as Nate wanted to take that Black Diamond run and we just wanted to chill down the easier one. He loves skiing and everyone of us were on that mountain all day!

We took about 1/2 of one of the bags of Gary's ashes and we sprinkled them down the Miracle Mile run. The kids loved that and Gary's remains will become one with the earth on top of Summit! (OMG - that sounds so granola - not that it's bad or anything).

The ride home was sketchy as well. One of our chains broke off and it took about a 1/2 hour to get the other one off. Travelling on the poor road conditions was more than worth it! Hopefully we can go up another day next week. A big storm is heading our way this weekend and it will hopefully dump so much snow!

I am off to the gym and meetings and homework make up and snack bar duties and blah blah blah blah blah............I really do need a clone.

I am not going to get into how we are holding up right now. I have had writers block lately again and I am tired of it. If I can tonight I will write.

The puppy (Hurley) is coming soon. The kids are super happy. I am happy but not looking forward to raising another puppy. I am sure he will bring us so much joy. The good will outweigh the challenging.

Have a great day!

Love,
L

Rain & Yearbooks

It rained a good part of the night last night. It has not rained that hard in a long time. I am not a super huge fan of the rain. I like the rain occasionally but if I had my druthers I would wish for 80 degrees with a slight breeze all year long.

Last night the rain bothered me. Gary LOVED LOVED LOVED the rain. He LOVED weather. Wind. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Tornadoes. Hurricanes. LOVED IT ALL. The rain last night just made me sad. It reminded me of Gary and that he will never be back here again. When it was raining, I can see his face so clearly in my mind. It is really hard. I have taken down almost all of his photos in the house because it is hard for me to look at them and then here comes the rain to conjure up all those images again.

When I often think of Gary I think of his pain and suffering and his immense struggle. It just makes me sad just like the rain does. I know he is no longer struggling and suffering BUT the fact that he did so much here on earth is troubling. I will have to find new ways to view rain. Gary would have wanted me to be happy everytime it rains. He certainly was. So much so it was like having a 4th little boy in the house. He had to go outside and look for lightning. He wanted to feel it and be in it. Good for him! I just want to be inside by the fireplace under my electric blanket!

Last night some of my friends got a HUGE kick out of looking through my highschool yearbook and making fun of my hideous hairdo! My Homecoming Court photo got the most pokes and my 9th grade photo (I will withhold the name of my great friend) got a comment that was completely hurtful and rude!! I think she said I looked like a 2 ton heifer! WOW. The insults. I was not heavy but I must admit in the photo I am not looking too hot. It was all in good fun (don't worry S about how bad you hurt my feelings - I'll get over it someday :) ). Just a closing thought about the past.

I have changed so incredibly much since jr. high and high school. I am not even the same person. I was very studious and loved school but Junior High and High school were very difficult time for me. My brother was out of control, my father was so strict, my mom was wrapped up in my brother, I had a very long standing relationship with a guy (don't let your daughters do this in high school), I met the wrong guy my senior year, and my values went out the window. I was looking to be fulfilled in unfulfilling things. I needed attention and I could never find what I needed. My parents left when I was 18. My whole life was so different.

I used to have tremendous guilt. I should have not said that or done that. I can't believe I went there or had that relationship. I wish I would have handled that better or not talked to that person. Shoulda woulda coulda. I lived my whole life wrapped up in that all the time. I hated living like that. It was awful and bad for the head!

But, when all is said and done I am who I am because of those experiences. I am strong and I have conviction. I love God and have so many friends and healthy relationships. I love my family. My mom and dad are wonderful. I had my Love for 14 years of my life. He gave me 3 beautiful children. My family is wonderful and my brother is up in heaven with Gary and Gary's brother and everyone we know who loved the Lord and went before them.

I have struggles but I can't complain. I can be sad sometimes. Reminiscent even. But, I really like who God has made me to be and that is what makes the yucky things in my past more bearable. I always look for the positive. I don't see how people don't. Life is hard when you are not on vacation. We have to make a conscious effort to look for the silver lining in things. It can make a dismal situation look just a little more cheery.

Don't spend your life wishing things in your past were different. It is what it is and you can't change it. Don't spend your time wanting what you don't have. Don't spend your time holding on to negative emotions or letting people affect you in a negative way. Turn it around. Start to look for the good things. Value yourself. If there is something you see that you don't like - you have the power to change it.

Wow. Off the soapbox and going to kickbox. I just want everyone to find the good things and hold on to them instead of wasting time worrying about yucky ones.

Enjoy the rain - I promise I am going to try. It is my challenge for the day. Find the joy in the rain.

Love and Hugs,
Lisa

A Man in Diapers

The kids run up to the door after school today. All three of them are trying to talk to me at the same time. The look on their faces is kind of a smiling scared if you can imagine.

I quieted them (I actually hushed them) and then listened as they proceeded to tell me that a man on our street came outside in "his diaper" and threatened the kids with extremely foul language. He screamed the "f" word among many other colorful words and told them he was going to kick their "A's" and beat them up.

Why? Well, they said he told them to stop beating Jax up. Beating Jax? I'm not kidding. We are talking about my three boys and their friend Jackson. Jax actually fell on the ground and Jackson was trying to help him up and make him feel better. NO ONE was touching Jax.

So, I meet up with Jackson's Mom and we head over to this guys house. We get to the door and it is wide open and an absolute disaster. I call out to get a response and sure enough HE RESPONDED.

He was in the locked bathroom yelling at Jen and I - totally disgusting language. He told us that one of the boys had to go to the bathroom and the other boys told him to run like their Dad would and he was obviously confused and not making any sense whatsoever. I finally told him that if he ever spoke like that to our children that I was going to call the police. He kept yelling so I got on the phone and called the police.

I was genuinely concerned about him. I never thought people actually talked to other people the way he talked to our kids and to us. Something MUST be wrong with him.
The police come. Take my statement. Take the boys statements. They leave and go to the guys house. They come back.

NOTHING wrong with the guy. He was picked on as a kid and he was trying to protect Jax - IN A DIAPER MIGHT I ADD! Protect him from WHAT??????? The guy has SERIOUS ISSUES! He lied and I think he is dangerous. He is going to cramp my life now that I have to walk the boys home from school every day! THANKS A WHOLE LOT GUY IN DIAPERS!!!!

We are getting excited about our new little puppy - HURLEY. He is so cute and not only is he coming from the Sallee hometown but I found out that he was born on my birthday and he will probably be shipped on Gary's and my anniversary! So strange how these things work.

If anyone has a big wire crate with the divider so it can grow with our Hurley please let me know. I let a few friends borrow the ones Matt and Jen had given me to use and I hate to take it away from them as they still use them. I also need a fairly big plastic travel crate with the latch door in the front to keep him in for a while. Anyone have a doggy play yard? I have looked on Craigs List and so far nothing worth much of anything. I guess I could have someone get me on to the Ladera Life site to take a peek. Let me know if you are getting rid of anything having to do with puppies!

I have another blog entry on my other computer that I need to post from the past few days. I promise to do that tonight.

Jax is having a hard night tonight. He has now voiced how unfair he thinks it is that all of his friends have Dads and he does not. It is so hard to go through this BUT we are making it through together and I thank God every day that Gary gave these 3 amazing boys to me! They are a true joy every single day!

God is good. Remember to look for the good in everything. It is there. Sometimes you really have to look but it is there.

Off to finish laundry, pack lunches, get the boys to bed, do the dishes and everything else that might pile up if I leave it!

Praise and Love,

Lisa

Sunday

Good Morning.

I still have the dumpster and am in the middle of cleaning out my house. Every corner I turn and every room I go in to I find crap that needs to go! It feels good but it also feels like the cleaning out process will never end. It is tiring.

Gary's car is still giving me problems although no more transmission issues. Something is draining the battery so if I go longer than a day without driving it I can't start it without a jump. The check engine light just went on as well. These things happen around 150,000 miles.

My car has a funky smell like something is burning on the engine. I have no heater and the life of the car is coming to a close for me. My car has 135,000 miles on it.

My plan is to trade both cars in and get a "very lightly" used one. I am looking at the Expedition extended model (same length as the Suburban). If the dealer won't take the cars then I will donate them and take the write off. I have people helping me to try and find the best deal. I am patient.

My house is so quiet. No one is home. It is a lonely feeling. Most of you would kill for a quiet house. I used to be like that but now I cherish the commotion of a house filled with noise. Gary used to watch TV in the mornings before we headed off to the doctor office. The phones were ringing off the hook. People were in and out. Life was crazy. I used to wish for more quiet. Now, I have it. I wish I didn't. The grass is never greener for too long. It might be for a brief moment but then when reality sets in it's not so green anymore.

I think I will go to the gym and blow off some steam. I have a staff meeting today and the boys have baseball and I have a board meeting tonight. Lots of stuff in the afternoon and evening hours.

I guess I will try and enjoy the quiet right now and stop my whining.

Oh, by the way, the diaper guy was shorter than Zach! I wanted to add that to your visual! If I can snap a photo of him I will eventually Facebook it!

Love and Hugs,

Lisa

Nightime Update

Thursday night. It has been a long day.
I went to the gym and lifted weights for an hour with a friend.
I went to get things squared away for work this weekend. I ran several errands with Bonnie.
Jen stayed at the house and did laundry all day as they are preparing to leave for Peru with the boys this weekend.

Jax got a new cast put on. This one is green and it will be on about 3.5 weeks. Then he will switch to a short cast for a few weeks and hopefully that will be it. 4 casts. 8 weeks later. Camo, blue, green and who knows what's next. I hope red.

I went to O'Connor today and picked up Gary's ashes. I can hardly believe it. I still can't. His body is in a box in my office. 4 separate bags of ashes. Zip tied. In a box. Seriously, in a box. My husband. The person I have been with for 14 years. It just takes my breath away sometimes. It is just so heavy.

So, now we plan the paddle out, the spreading of his ashes at sea, and taking a portion of them to the top of Summit. I think we will take some to Green Valley as well. The kids have definite ideas of what they want to do with them.

Jax signed his new cast tonight with a Sharpie. He put "DAD" across the top. He said he wants to save the cast because it has Gary's name on it. The boys all looked at the ashes and each had a different facial expression and comment. The have looked several times. Is that really Dad? "He is heavy." "Did the fire do this to him?" So on........... So interesting how inquisitive they are. I love that they make comments and ask questions. It is so healthy for them to process though this openly with me.

Well, Dr.Hinsley called tonight, Nothing is physically wrong with Hobie. His labs are all good and he is depressed and sad. No doggie downers. Let's see how he reacts to the new puppy. She/He should be here at the end of February or beginning of March. The boys are so excited. I am but I know how much work lies ahead for me.

Countdown to the dumpster! Tomorrow morning!! I am going to clean house!!

My parents got a generator from Dieta and Stuart. They drove it up from Nashville (3.5 hour drive) and they now have heat, a lamp and a tv. The heater is the most important as it was only 40 degrees in their house today. They were getting ready to move on out for a while. The incredible weight of the ice has paralyzed the city of Louisville and over 200,000 people are without power. Thank God for Dieta and Stuart and their generator.

I have been thinking about Dr. Barth a lot lately. He took such good care of Gary and I am so thankful that he cared for Gary. We were very blessed. So many of Gary's doctors were so wonderful. Dr. Fee and Dr. Ashkenaze and Dr. Phan and Dr. Gluzman and so many more. So grateful to all of them.

I am going to bed. I really need a good night sleep.

Lots of prayers and love for everyone.

Love and Hugs,
Lisa

Reality

ASSURANCE for the day for all of you:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalitites nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Gary gets to experience Christ right here and right now. That is an amazing thing.


UPDATE
Both Gary's parents and my parents are weathering a MAJOR winter storm. My parents have no power, no heat and they are not able to drive in the ice. They are huddled under the covers and are cooking on a Coleman stove with propane. I know Gary's folks are probably in the same boat. I feel a tad bit guilty enjoying the 70 degree weather we are having!

Reality sets in - in a new way every day - for me.

Every corner I turn I am reminded that Gary is dead. I no longer have a husband. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am a single mother of three small boys who solely depend on me for everything. I have to re-do my life insurance and put together a Living Trust. I go to the gym - I am alone. I go to the grocery - I am alone. I fill out paperwork - still alone. I get into bed at night - really alone. No more conversations with Gary about our days or the kids or laughing about so many things. I guess I could laugh alone but people might think there is something wrong with me. (Hey now. No snickers.) :)

I got the Death Certificates in the mail today. I also FINALLY got the call that Gary's remains are ready to pick up. I will do that when the kids are at school tomorrow. I know I am still in shock. Numb most days. Sometimes it really hits me and I am overwhelmingly sad. Other times I can go about my business with relative ease and not think about my life. I miss him so much and I just wish we had more time together on earth.

Hobie is okay physically we think. I am waiting for the results fo the bloodwork tomorrow but both the Vet and I think they will be normal. Hobie has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The vet does not see many cases like Hobie but he has. I am not going to put him on doggie downers. He needs time just like the rest of us. I feel really bad for him because I can't talk to him. Our actions will be what helps him through this. He loved Gary so much and he was always with him. We will all be patient and loving with him.

I have my Facebook up and running. So many of you have a Facebook account. It should be fun trying to manage that.

I have a dumpster being delivered Friday. I can't wait to PITCH DITCH DUMP and TRASH so much junk that has been around this house for so long!!! I am more excited about that than anything else!

Off to the Apple store.

Love to you all,
L