Defining Moments

I have made a fairly big decision. I think it is the first one I have made on my own. Usually Gary and I make all of the decisions together and it feels good to have your spouse supporting you in those decisions and visa versa. This time I did it all by myself.
Drumroll please...................

I have decided that I am NOT going to allow cancer to define me.

Cancer is negative. There is nothing redeeming about cancer. Nothing. Cancer has been a huge part of my life like so many others but I refuse to allow something so negative to define who I am now or who I am going to be. Gary has died. He was the love of my life. We shared everything but now he is gone. There is nothing I can do about that but I do have a choice as to how the rest of my life will play out. I allowed to many negative things in my past to define me and for 6 years after high school when I looked in the mirror I didn't even know myself.

Facebook is such a great thing. I am talking to people I have not spoken with in 19 years. I just love getting back into contact with the people I have so many fond memories of. Do you want to know why I have not spoken to these people? It's just like I said above. I allowed the things that were going on in my life to change me and DEFINE me and it interferred with my relationships.

I grew up with a schitzophrenic brother and family life was hard. I picked the absolute WRONG boyfriend in my Senior Year. Why did I pick him? I needed to fill a void. I needed to be needed. I wanted so badly for someone to pay attention to me. My Dad had lost his job and they were moving out of state and leaving me behind. This WRONG boyfriend was in my life WAY TOO long and I made terrible choices. I cut off relationships and my life was so incredibly messy.

It took me years trying to figure out how to do things right. In the last 2 years of my relationship with this boyfriend I managed to get a hold of myself and get strong enough to get out. God's grace got me through. Now, it took some time and I delved into Codependent books and took the advice of people who had much greater wisdom than I had and I worked very hard at redefining who I am. Once I got myself in a good place and got heart healthy I was able to open myself up and meet the man I always knew I deserved. Gary was such an amazing husband and father.

Had I not found myself I would have never married Gary. I refused to let the "past" determine how I was going to live out the next part. I took no baggage from that part.

I am going to do the same with this part of my life. Cancer will not define me nor will it weigh me down with its ugly baggage and I hope I can give my kids that gift as well.

I choose to take the very best parts of what we have gone through and apply them to our life from here on out. You are asking how there could be good parts? Well, for the hundreds of you who have gone on this journey with us know there is goodness because you have seen it firsthand. Tragedy brings out the very best in people. It brought out the best in Gary and I hope it brought out the best in me. The caring and loving and laughing and sharing and martini parties and baseball gatherings and on and on and on that went on during Gary's illness are the things I choose to hold close to my heart. Our life before cancer I will choose to hold on to. Gary's smile and amazing strength is another thing I will hold on to.

Instead of getting overwhelmed and lost in what most people would consider tragic I am going to make our life into something great. Our neighbor Bette died a week before Gary. Gary and Bette loved hanging out and many of you met her. Bette was a wonderful woman. She always told me "When life gives you a lemon you'd better learn how to make lemonade!" It is so true. We are moving forward and going to make some lemonade.

I am still going to have a sad day and a bad day and a frustrating day BUT that is all they will amount to - a day.

I don't want to go at this alone. I am taking all of you with me. I want all of you to take your baggage and give it to God. Figure it out and process it and get rid of it. Take the good from it and leave the rest behind. Don't let negativity be a dominant part of your life. It is not healthy for any of us to do that.

Many people say that misery loves company. Content people love company too!

I have to put the boys to bed now.
My prayer for you is to get rid of yuckiness - if you have it. Do what it takes to cleanse your soul and get a smile on your face! I promise to try to do that every single day!

Love,
L