Nights

Nights are the hardest for me. It is so quiet (I like that) but there is such a thing as too quiet. This is a "forced" quiet. Not by choice. I can hear Hobie chewing on his toy in the other room. I can hear the buzz of electricity throughout the house. Nothing on TV. I KNOW American Idol is on but for whatever reason I have no interest in that right now. I could never live in a Monestary and take a vow of silence. I have way too much to say. For those of you who have to listen to me all the time - deal! HAHA

Today was busy and I am scattered. Todd and I were talking today about me - all my issues it seems. I have been struggling with the fact that I am having a difficult time focusing.

I understand that part of grief is this insane loss of focus. I know what I need to do. I always have. I make a mental note and it gets done. I am seriously organized and punctual and type A (no snickering about my OCD tendencies that you might THINK I have). I have never had to have a "To Do" list in my life.

Gary was never good about doing things without a list. Many of my friends husbands (sorry guys) are the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. LEAVE ME A NOTE. CALL MY VM. POST IT ON FB. I know how guys are. It's not your fault. You use a different part of your brain. I will make a slight disclaimer - not all of you fit into this category and I'm not naming names.

So, I have become this "list maker" so that I don't forget things. I have gone back to my Covey instead of relying on my Treo. I have to have things in front of my face and it sucks. I hate this. I want my old brain back.

Hoefully I can move through thie grieving process swiftly and get back a hold of myself.

So many of you write to me, post on my FB, E-mail me, call me and all the other things you do. Thank you all so very much. I read everything and I have every intention of responding promptly to you but I fall short and time passes and then I forget what I was supposed to do or what I wanted to do. Heck, I forget what I need at Pavilions when I am standing in the middle of the store.

Funny how the brain works.

This void I feel without Gary is not a black bottomless hole. I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't need to look for it because I know where he is. I don't need to fill it up because God does that for me. I just need to be okay that it is there and be patient as God changes me and molds me through this time. He is working on me every day (I need it!) and I know I will come through this stronger than ever and my faith is and will become stronger than ever.

I can't even fathom how people go through something of this magnitude without Jesus. He is the ONLY reason Gary is in heaven right now. How do people find the light in life in dark times without faith? We are not capable of doing this on our own. We were not created that way. God is constant. He waits for us even when we are independent and are too stubborn to admit that we can't go at it on our own. God is good. Thank God he forgives us or we'd all be in trouble.

I will tell you how insanely exciting my life is right now. Laundry. Valentines. Homework X3. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner - my gosh EVERY single day. Paperwork. Bills. Driving. Making beds - HATE THAT!. Are you jealous yet?

Hey, it's my job. I am the Mom. When I was filling out a questionaire (you know the ones friends send you with the 50 questions like favorite color, etc..) I stumbled on how to define myself. The new me is everything I always have been with the exception of being a wife. That was a reality check. Wow. It's all me now.

God gives me grace and patience and He has given me all of you. You are all so faithful and loving and amazing. I thank God for you everyday because like I said before I could not get through this without you.

Off to laundry heaven.

Say your prayers and brush your teeth!

Love, Lisa