January 10, 2008

I am freaking out a little right now. Gary is really dead and his ashes are in a box in my office on the table by the window. I was just folding laundry and I put a few small dish towels on top of the box and realized that Gary's reminants were in that box that sits there all day every day.

Wow. He is gone for good. Never to return to the earth again as we know it. I am alone and I think I am having a small panic attack.

On January 10, 2008 I was told by the UCI team of docs that I would be a widow FOR SURE within the year. We walked away from that appointment with conflicting information and we absolutely did not believe that prediction. That is all the docs can do - predict based on their knowledge of past and present patients who suffer from varying types of cancer.

On January 10, 2009 Gary died. One year to the date of that appointment. Sobering. They were right this time. He made it one year. He held on and he fought with everything he had and he did it valiantly.

I think I need to get rid of the rest of the ashes. They sit in that damn box. The ground up bone is disturbing. I guess I shouldn't look at them BUT I still know that they are there.

Have you had a panic attack? Heart races. Trouble getting a deep breath. Light headed. Yuck. My mind is so much stronger than my body. I have had a handful of these attacks since Gary died and I am getting pretty good at controlling them now.

It is so hard to believe that he is really gone somedays. Other times it feels as if he has been gone for years. Unbelievable.

No, I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I really am fine. I just got home from Javiers and a little retail therapy. We watched Friday Night Lights and now I am unwinding and as I told you before - nights are the hardest times for me. Also, going out and seeing couple everywhere I look gets depressing sometimes. It just all brings me back to this place of being a young widow and mourning the loss of my previous life. Life with Gary is gone and now I have to make a new life and basically start over. Getting started in the first place was hard enough when I was 23. I know I can do it but I know this is going to be one tough road.

Don't worry about me. I am calming down now and am going to go upstairs and fold laundry and get to bed. I have an early start to my day.

Thanks for listening. I am okay - promise. Don't send me e-mails with referrals of the nearest head doctor or try to fix me. I am doing that all on my own and I am good. Prayer and meditation always works - every single time. God is good.

Love and Hugs,
L