It's Been Too Long

It has been way too long since my last post. Darrin has requested an update so here goes the update.

There have been many things that have happened since my last post. Granted, nothing super exciting. Basically life. Not that my life is all that interesting. I guess losing a husband to cancer and having 3 young boys who are madder than hell sometimes makes for some pretty interesting incidents here and there.

Life just goes by way too fast. Each week I can hardly believe it is Monday and then before I know it Sunday rolls around the corner and I face yet another Monday once again.

School days are hard. Making lunches and doing homework and practices and projects and dinner and bedtime and laundry and and and and and. It seems to never end nor does it get easier. It is annoying and redundant each week but I try to hide those feelings from the boys.

The boys are doing well in school with no apparent behavioral issues. They are social and are seemingly well adjusted. At home we have typical kid issues with a mixture of issues resulting from Gary's actual dying and death as well as the physical loss of their father. It is sometimes difficult and tricky trying to figure out how much is truly just rebellion and natural kid behavior and what percentage of the behavior is a direct result of the boys trying to deal with anger and hurt and sadness and confusion about Gary.

Overall I would have to say that we are doing well. We talk. We cry. We laugh. We yell. The boys ask a bevy of questions. We are moving through this time together. Nate got in big trouble the other day and he sat in his room and wrote me an apology letter. In the letter he told me that he was mad that Dad had to go so early but he wanted me to know that he was not mad at God because he loves God and knows that God just has a plan and that He trusts God. My heart melted. I love to know what the boys are thinking - especially when they are grumpy and angry.

Last night after Zach's game he wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. I was ready to leave him there and out of nowhere he started crying and talking about Gary. He no longer wanted to spend the night but just wanted to go home. So, off we went. When we got home we sat and talked about Gary and we cried and I think we had a really great talk. It is great when the boys open up. It is so healthy. I love that and I am relieved when they do talk.

Jax has been beyond clingy. Nate has been argumentative and crabby. Zach has been frustrated and mad, mad, mad. I WAS in a good mood until the the clingy, crabby, argumentative, frustrated and mad as hell kids got a hold of me! There are days when I just need 10 minutes to myself and I can't seem to get it. Other days I handle it beautifully. Up and down and back up again. I ALWAYS end up on the upswing thank God. God is always foremost in my mind and I rely on Him each time I face an obstacle.

So, I am going to Turks & Caicos this summer. My aunt is going to come and help take care of the boys. Matt will have the boys for the last couple of days and they can have their bonding time. I am really excited. I have never been to the Caribbean and these particular islands are amazingly gorgeous. I am staying in an all inclusive resort and it will be a great trip.

I love the summer months. I love warm weather and sitting outside at night eating dinner and relaxing. We will try and schedule a short trip to see Gary's family this summer as well. Gary's Dad has been doing better and his cancer seems to be under control. I am so happy for him.

My Dad's very cherished friend, Bob, died this past week. He had cancer as well and fought it I think for about 8 months. Just a month ago he was golfing with my Dad. He and his wife have been prayer warriors for our family and they have been such wonderful friends to my parents. Anne Marie (Bob's wife) is so strong and has such great faith. I hope this sustains her as it has me. They were married over 50 years and they have a wonderful family.

Jax is out of baseball as we try and figure out how to get his arm to heal completely. He is in a brace. Zach is in a brace as well. His elbow is bothering him as are his knees. The knees are a growth thing but the elbow might be something else. He will have some tests this coming week and we will find out for certain. I think everyone of his problems is growth related. Keep him in your prayers and keep those fingers crossed.

I am good. I would have to say 98% of the time I am doing well. I am strong and my faith has given me so much in terms of my outlook on the future. I just read a book called Widows Wear Stilettos. The author lives in Lake Forest and it was written for young widows. It was super helpful and I am farther along in my healing than most who go through this tragedy. I give all of the credit to God and to my faith. I could not do this alone nor can I imagine ever going through this alone.

Most days I think about how I am ready to move forward. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want someone to share the rest of my life with and to be a role model and support for the boys. Gary did not want the boys and I to be alone either. I have legitimate fears about how this works and how it looks. Dating? Haven't done that in 15 years. Never was one to date different people. I don't think I have ever been on just a date and it didn't work and then another date. I have had only a few boyfriends in my life. I'm not 20 anymore. Things are so different. I am really not looking forward to this part of my life. It is kinda scary and the waters are unchartered. When the time is right opportunities will present themselves and I will know I am ready.

In the meantime I am going to just do life. School starts on May 26th for me and then I have a full school schedule come August. I am very excited. I met with my nursing counselor this past week and he was so encouraging. I have a 4.0 right now and the trick will be to maintain that GPA. I think I can do it. I might not be able to get the program done through Saddleback as their program is highly impacted and it is difficult to get classes. I might have to take out student loans and go private. Time will tell.

This is a long post. Sorry.

I just wanted you to know that we are hanging tough and doing life. Each day brings smiles and frowns. But, at the end of the day, we never go to bed disgruntled or angry or unresolved in any way. We end with prayer and smiles and love and we wake up the same way. Never go to bed angry. You also can't spend too much of your time or your life in the negative. Try and maintain in your positive zone. It is so much healthier for your body and your mind!

Love to you all -
L

Love my new computer!