Beyond Love

I love Gary beyond love. I have loved him for 14 years and the past 14 years have been the best years of my life. We have been beyond blessed with our life and our friends and our family and our 3 precious sons.

When I sit here and watch Gary struggle to feed himself as he shakes or as he tries to grab the remote it rips at my heart and I well up with such emotion. Have any of you tried to call my house and talk to Gary? You probably couldn't talk to him right now because his voice is so incredibly weak. I gave him a shower today and just that was enough to completely drain him. It is so awful watching him day after day as he fights and struggles. I have to leave the room and just go away and cry sometimes. I am sure he knows how upset I get but he doesn't need to see it.

There is a HUGE part of me that wonders sometimes if he is dying slowly. It pains my heart to just write that. Then I wonder if the toll of the chemo, radiation and sheer physical pain is just compromising his system right now. I have heard of cancer patients that are brought to the brink of death in order to fight their way back up. My hope and prayer is the latter of the two scenarios.

Tomorrow is an important day for Gary. He is having the procedure to place the trial run of the pain pump in his spine to see if it will give him permanent relief. We are all hoping and praying that this will help him tremendously. Then, we will see Dr. Barth and I have no idea if he will start round 2 of the chemo tomorrow. Gary is due to have it so we will see.

Here is the reality (at least tonight's reality) - In my heart I know that Gary's body can't take much more pain. I am the only one who sees him day in and day out and knows what he faces each day when he wakes. Once again tears because it is so painful for me to watch. And yet again the man NEVER complains - EVER! He knows that when he wakes up every single morning he is going to face yet another day of uncontrollable pain. I am utterly in awe of his humbleness and selflessness. He is truly a hero in every single sense of the word and I admire his beyond admiration.

I think the boys are having such a hard time because Gary looks so different and he is so focused on fighting his sciatic pain that he rarely interacts with them. He has been extremely quiet as of late and that is hard on all of us because we want him to engage so badly.

Please know that I am fine. Once again I needed to share some raw emotions I have been struggling with and I feel like this is the forum in which I can be completely candid without facing judgement. I don't need advice on how to handle things. I am very resourceful and I know where to turn to and exactly who to turn to if I am struggling to the point where I can't help myself, Gary or the boys.

Please just pray for our family. We love all of you and we really love that you are all praying for us!
I have to get the boys to bed now so I must go.

I hope you all have a beautiful evening and remember to laugh and find the joy in everything!

Love, Lisa