Rain & Yearbooks

It rained a good part of the night last night. It has not rained that hard in a long time. I am not a super huge fan of the rain. I like the rain occasionally but if I had my druthers I would wish for 80 degrees with a slight breeze all year long.

Last night the rain bothered me. Gary LOVED LOVED LOVED the rain. He LOVED weather. Wind. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Tornadoes. Hurricanes. LOVED IT ALL. The rain last night just made me sad. It reminded me of Gary and that he will never be back here again. When it was raining, I can see his face so clearly in my mind. It is really hard. I have taken down almost all of his photos in the house because it is hard for me to look at them and then here comes the rain to conjure up all those images again.

When I often think of Gary I think of his pain and suffering and his immense struggle. It just makes me sad just like the rain does. I know he is no longer struggling and suffering BUT the fact that he did so much here on earth is troubling. I will have to find new ways to view rain. Gary would have wanted me to be happy everytime it rains. He certainly was. So much so it was like having a 4th little boy in the house. He had to go outside and look for lightning. He wanted to feel it and be in it. Good for him! I just want to be inside by the fireplace under my electric blanket!

Last night some of my friends got a HUGE kick out of looking through my highschool yearbook and making fun of my hideous hairdo! My Homecoming Court photo got the most pokes and my 9th grade photo (I will withhold the name of my great friend) got a comment that was completely hurtful and rude!! I think she said I looked like a 2 ton heifer! WOW. The insults. I was not heavy but I must admit in the photo I am not looking too hot. It was all in good fun (don't worry S about how bad you hurt my feelings - I'll get over it someday :) ). Just a closing thought about the past.

I have changed so incredibly much since jr. high and high school. I am not even the same person. I was very studious and loved school but Junior High and High school were very difficult time for me. My brother was out of control, my father was so strict, my mom was wrapped up in my brother, I had a very long standing relationship with a guy (don't let your daughters do this in high school), I met the wrong guy my senior year, and my values went out the window. I was looking to be fulfilled in unfulfilling things. I needed attention and I could never find what I needed. My parents left when I was 18. My whole life was so different.

I used to have tremendous guilt. I should have not said that or done that. I can't believe I went there or had that relationship. I wish I would have handled that better or not talked to that person. Shoulda woulda coulda. I lived my whole life wrapped up in that all the time. I hated living like that. It was awful and bad for the head!

But, when all is said and done I am who I am because of those experiences. I am strong and I have conviction. I love God and have so many friends and healthy relationships. I love my family. My mom and dad are wonderful. I had my Love for 14 years of my life. He gave me 3 beautiful children. My family is wonderful and my brother is up in heaven with Gary and Gary's brother and everyone we know who loved the Lord and went before them.

I have struggles but I can't complain. I can be sad sometimes. Reminiscent even. But, I really like who God has made me to be and that is what makes the yucky things in my past more bearable. I always look for the positive. I don't see how people don't. Life is hard when you are not on vacation. We have to make a conscious effort to look for the silver lining in things. It can make a dismal situation look just a little more cheery.

Don't spend your life wishing things in your past were different. It is what it is and you can't change it. Don't spend your time wanting what you don't have. Don't spend your time holding on to negative emotions or letting people affect you in a negative way. Turn it around. Start to look for the good things. Value yourself. If there is something you see that you don't like - you have the power to change it.

Wow. Off the soapbox and going to kickbox. I just want everyone to find the good things and hold on to them instead of wasting time worrying about yucky ones.

Enjoy the rain - I promise I am going to try. It is my challenge for the day. Find the joy in the rain.

Love and Hugs,
Lisa