Thursday November 13

Another day. Joyce and GiGi and Judy came out to visit from La Quinta today and it was great to see them. Gary's Dad is unable to come and visit us. He is in so much pain from compression fractures caused by the myeloma. Both he and Gary sit in their beds all day on opposite sides of the country in so much pain and it is such a sad set of circumstances for both of them.

Zach had a great time on the Pilgrim last night and he was exhausted tonight. The boys are all ready to hit the sack tonight! Jax is putting a smile on my face and he is sitting on the couch next to me singing a song from his upcoming Tom & Tilly Thanksgiving Performance. He only knows one verse but I think I need to adpot it as my motto - I am happy and I have nothing to fear.

I just love that and I need to put that into action. I have done so well until now managing fear and stress. Now, I am feeling it and it is taking its toll on me. For those of you who know me well I do not like drama nor do I function well with drama. I hate things to be out of control and do not deal with stress and fear or confrontation- especially when it comes to what we are very possibly facing. I like to know what is happening so that I can best prepare for things (Gary is getting chemo so in 4 days we will start looking at his counts and he will most likely have transfusions. Gary is getting a scan so that we can see what is going on with his cancer and we get the results quickly. ) I can plan for those things. Now there seems to be no plan. No timeline. No goal. We are merely existing and just waiting and praying.

Given our present set of circumstances I find myself being filled with fear intermittently and I hate feeling like that. It is horrible. The thought of Gary dying makes me sick most days. Do I wish for him to suffer? Of course not. I wish for him to have an earthly healing and if that is not possible I am not so selfish that I would want him to suffer here on earth until he is old and gray. Some days I look at him and I am filled with hope that he will overcome this. Other days I look at him and watch him writhe in pain and I feel like he is slipping away from me.

Gary is my best friend. I can completely and totally be myself with him at all times and I can tell him anything. I confide in him, ask him to help me change when I need to change and trust him completely. I am truly myself with him all the time. He never judges me or criticizes me in a negative way. He laughs at my jokes and rubs my feet when they hurt. He makes me want to be a better person.

Every morning he used to sit and drink his coffee and write me a little love letter - every single day! I loved waking up to those and I have saved them all!!! He scratched my back and he drove me around when our family ran errands. He was my DD so that I could have a drink at dinner (our family has the 1 drink no drive policy). He did the laundry and the dishes and took care of all of the handyman stuff around the house. He took the trash out and locked the house up every night. He said prayers with the kids and I and he even has been known to scour tubs and toilets! He has made me feel safe and so loved and he opened the door for me when we went out and always let me watch "chick shows" at night. He worked on the cars and fixed the appliances. My heavens - he did so much for us. I wish every day that things were still the same................

But, they aren't and I miss those things terribly. I want that back and I know I will most likely not have those things again unless he is healed miraculously.

All of the little things mean so much. I know when you are married or in a relationship you end up bickering sometimes and nit picking at the littlest things about eachother. I will tell you right now that none of those little things matter. None of those things. It seems like a waste of time to get cranky and yucky.

We should always look for the positive in people and situations instead of focusing on negative things. It's kinda like when we go to a restaurant or a hotel and we get bad service or something doesn't go right and we are so quick to complain. We should be just as eager if not more eager to compliment people or places when we see or experience good things. Too much negativity in the world if you ask me.

My friend Kathy has a license plate that I have always loved. PRACTICE RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. I think that is such a great saying. You all have been so kind to our family and for that we are so grateful. I hope we can pass the kindness forward someday soon. Our 3 boys will grow up being taught to be kind, have giving hearts and to always be full of love.

I hope all of you can pray for me. I am stressed over several things. I obviously have fear for our future. The uncertainty and lack of direction we have now is overwhelming and scary. Please pray that Gary can sit down and talk with Dr. Barth about options and direction.

We have a big surprise for Gary and the boys on Tuesday and I will blog about it Tuesday night when it is all said and done. It should be the perfect afternoon - barring Gary is feeling halfway decent.

I hope you all have a great evening and please remember to say something really nice to someone at some point in time this week and remember to be happy!

Love and Hugs,
Lisa