Thursday NIGHT & FRIDAY MORNING

It’s Thursday night at 11:30 PM and I am laying on my “comfy cot” in Room 834 at Hoag with Gary. Gary looks pretty dang comfy now that he has had an arsenal of drugs and a belly full of Filet Mignon – thanks to Todd & Rob.

In the background I can hear IV pumps beeping and people milling around the hallways. We always have the TV on because it drowns out other noises that go on throughout the night hours.

I called Gary’s parents to find out how Gary’s Dad was feeling last night. My heart broke as I received the news that Gary’s Dad is in the hospital right now battling cancer as well. I have details but they are not totally confirmed by the docs so I will wait to give them to you. I will tell you that his cancer seems to have spread into his left hip (just like his son) and there is a great chance it could be the same type of cancer – bladder. We are steadfastly praying and waiting to hear from them and Gary is totally devastated. We have not told the kids this information either.

We have been quiet together tonight. We did discuss Gary dying a few times with our favorite nurses and some of the doctors. I thought I had pretty much cried all of the tears I had today but when I am talking about Gary I find myself fighting back even more tears.

It is strange. Sometimes I can talk about this subject without shedding a tear. Very logical. I can actually remove myself from it and talk about it like it was happening to someone else. I like those times because that is when I can make sound decisions.

Most of the time I can’t talk about it for too long because we start to talk about something so overwhelmingly emotional that I just end up breaking down and down and down. I can’t cry anymore tonight because of the state of my face. My eyelids look like hot dog buns and I forgot the Preparation H to shrink those bags! My head is killing me and Vicodin (my last resort) has not worked in a few days. Oh well.

I just got side tracked because Stacey and Heather came by our room and had to give Gary his goodnight kisses! I love his nurses – 98% of them. Some of them are much more special and have been so incredibly wonderful to both of us. Synara is caring for him tonight and she is super special, too. Larry comes by every day to visit and Rose is always around. She is an angel and we love her!

Back on track.

So, I am sitting here and I am going to best articulate to all of you what was told to us this morning. I am sure I will get some of the info wrong but will focus on telling you what really matters.

In a matter of only a few weeks Gary cancer has spread significantly. It has not grown in the liver or by the right pelvis. The only tumor growth is on the left side of the pelvis. The tumor has eaten away at more of the bone and it has also grown apparently into his neo bladder. There seems to be nothing that will stop this cancer. We thought the chemo was working and it is in all of the other areas with the exception of this crucial area.

The pain in his leg is getting worse and we now know why. The neurostimulator is not working and we now know why. So, faced with this new information we are trying to make some very serious decisions with regards to the path we will now take.

It is hard to switch gears. We have been on this playing field and our goal was to Gary’s cancer in a manageable state so that he could have quality of life for however long that was going to be.

Now, we have to change fields and we are playing an entirely new game. The playbook now dictates that the new goal is trying to figure out how to help Gary die. What does that look like? How far do we go with further treatment? What treatment do we do and what treatment do we not do? There are so many options – most of them are not viable options given the extreme complications of his cancer. This is new territory for me and it took me an entire evening to get myself up to speed and educated. All the decisions we make are so personal for both of us and they are decisions no one should have to make.

I am numb to be honest with you. I feel like I am living out another persons life. This is our life. We are facing horrific things. It sucks and it is more than awful. I wanted to throw up all day.

Many of you I know want to know how Gary is doing. Gary is doing. He has cried today and laughed today and he has had times when he can talk about things and when he can’t talk about things. I try to put myself in his shoes and I just can’t do it. We are two totally different people. I would be flipping out. Freaking out about the kids. About Gary. About everything! I don’t think Gary thinks like I do. Men and women are so different. Gary is fairly calm and he told me that he felt numb as well.

So, tomorrow Gary gets another unit of blood, we have a Hospice Consult at 8 AM and then we have a radiation consult and mapping session at 10:00 AM for the tumor in his left pelvis. The reason for doing radiation is to try to attain some sort of pain control. If this fails then we consider the possibility of severing the nerve going down the leg completely and he will lose the use of his leg. After these appointments Gary will be released and come home.

If we choose the Hospice Route then we will do the bare minimum things to make Gary comfy. We will radiate, operate on his ureters to re-route the urine away from the bladder to slow down the infection rate. These things will hopefully minimize the pain so that Gary can have some quality time at home with the boys and me.

We are not going to tell the boys right now. Gary has gained back almost all of his weight and he looks great! Amazingly great! We will tell the boys in a week or so when the timing is right.

It is a perfect time to have a party for Gary! He is really looking forward to it as am I. Please stop by if you can and just say hello.

How to pray. What do we ask the Lord for? I would like everyone to pray for peace and understanding for our family. I want to pray for light and love to be present always. I will continue to pray for a healing for Gary and believe that whatever God has planned will come to fruition. Pray for protection and sanity and no anxiety. Pray for guidance in the decision making process and pray for our hearts to be quiet.

Please pray for Gary’s Mom and Dad as they wait to find out what they are up against with the cancer. I know how terrible his parents feel that they can’t see their son right now.

I know this blog entry was long but I wanted to catch all of you up to speed.
We will be coming home around 4 PM today and we are very much looking forward to that.

All our Love,
Lisa

BTW – If you have digital photos of our family and of Gary I have a favor to ask of you. Would you please somehow get those photos to me ASAP? I will take a CD or you can put them on a site like Shutterfly and I will download them. ☺