Posts
So, I got back from camp last weekend and the theme was "Be The Light". The kids had a great time and we had tons of snow! I just love all of the kids. We had such a great time together. They are all different and they are all special. I feel very blessed that I have these opportunities to spend time with them.
I have been thinking about the theme and I love it. We all need to be a light to the people around us and God is that light in each one of us. The purpose of being here on this earth is to be in community with all of the lives we touch each day either directly or indirectly. We all need help getting through this life. We all need to be light to others. My desire is to really be that light to others but right now I do not think there is much light coming from me. I feel it occasionally but not so much right now.
I am having a very difficult time.
Disclaimer - not a pity party. Just sharing thoughts.
I am 37 and a widow (such an ugly word). Being alone with 3 boys and knowing that I hopefully have a long road ahead me but going down that road and being by myself is an awful thought. Gary knew everything about me and loved me just the same. I have lost that now.
The boys and I had a hard weekend at camp. This is a huge part of my problem. The boys are emotionally draining me. I am drained. Tapped out. Trying my hardest. Somewhat losing the battle. This is all to be expected.
I am equipped to handle this but I need some guidance and some help to make sure this is normal and to make sure I am doing and saying the right things.
I am seeing a family therapist next Thursday. I need help processing through some of this. I did not think I would get to this point but here I am. I want all of us to come out of this with healthy minds and souls.
Hobie is having a hard time. When he is away from the house he seems to be fine. When he is home it is pitiful. He is so depressed and it tugs on my heart. He mopes around with his head down. Poor Hobie.
I don't do "depressed" well. I am cheery and upbeat and happy and positive and full of light. I want to be full of light but so many things are dimming my light. I need to help those things so they stop draining me.
I have a terrible headache for a week and I am sick of it. I just got home with Nate for the 2nd time this week at the doc office and he has pneumonia. His chest xray shows most of it in his left lobe but a little in the right as well. Antibiotics and rest for Nate.
Opening Day at Little League is in the morning! We are doing a pancake breakfast and the day should be fun!
Have a great day. By the way, while my "light" is dim can you all ramp it up a bit and be a brighter light? This way I won't feel bad about being dim for a while!
Love to you all,
Lisa
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Nate Update
So, Nate is still in pain but there have been no changes thus far in his movement or behavior. He slept well last night and he is excited to go to camp. I told him that he needs to take it easy all day and that if things stay the same I will take him.
Thank God. At this stage in the game I praise God that his injury was not worse.
Cesar Milan needs to take Hobie and put him in the compound where a bunch of pits can teach him some manners!
Now that would be a sight!
Have a blessed weekend and pray for us as we go up the mountain! 22 boys & men and 8 girls and me!
Love and Hugs,
L
Thank God. At this stage in the game I praise God that his injury was not worse.
Cesar Milan needs to take Hobie and put him in the compound where a bunch of pits can teach him some manners!
Now that would be a sight!
Have a blessed weekend and pray for us as we go up the mountain! 22 boys & men and 8 girls and me!
Love and Hugs,
L
Thursday, February 19, 2009
LONGEST WEEK EVER - Nate is okay
Camp. Snack bar. Camp. Snack bar. Baseball. Printer issues. Computer problems. ER. Puppy poo everywhere. Whining - and not the dog!
I swear. I am totally overwhelmed this week. Everything seems to be happening at once. I can't wait for February 28th. Camp will be over (although I absolutely LOVE going to camp - I hate getting ready) and Little League Opening Day will be over.
Baseball is in full swing. That brings me to my latest story.
Wait. Wait. Wait. I have to first tell you about Zach's run in.
It's 10 PM the other night and Zach is with a bunch of teenagers (who will remain anonymous) and they all have paintball and air soft guns. They are playing at Bathgate Elementary and having a great time. Evidently, a neighbor phones the police department because they saw "guys with guns" at the school.
Picture this......Zach is on the curb sitting down amongst all the teens. As the kids go down the line telling the officers what grade they are in they get to Zach. 8th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 9th grade, and then there is my 4th grader.
Who, by the way, was spending the night at the M's house. They were completely and utterly responsible for my child. I guess they will never be watching him again now that I know how liberal they are!!! HA HA
The police called the M's house and S had to come pick the boys up from their curbside post. I hope they learned their lesson!
They talk about it like it was really cool to get caught. I hope and pray that is the absolute worst run in any of my boys EVER have with law inforcement.
Back to tonight. We had some more excitement. When Gary was in the hospital, Nate was the only one who did not make an ER trip. How proud we were of him. Well, he made up for it tonight.
We were at the fields while Jax and Zach were practicing and Nate was holding Hobie. Hobie is the greatest dog but has severe leash aggression. Hobie saw another dog and darted (he is super strong) and Nate was holding the leash. Nate fell and slammed his left temple into the corner of the bleachers. He cried and cried and cried for over and hour.
I pulled the boys out of practice and I rushed him to the ER at Mission and Matt picked Zach, Jax, Hobie, and Hurley up from the ER and took them home.
Todd met me which was nice. Matt's Mom fast tracked us in and that was so great! We were there about an hour. Nate is going to have a bruise and has a possible concussion but that seems to be the extent.
I am watching him closely. He only ate half of his dinner (mac & cheese - all-time fav) and would not eat ice cream (next all-time fav). Nate never gives up food. He did say his head still really hurts and he has been very quiet since we returned home.
In the ER, he kept Todd and I very entertained. I do not think he has talked that much in the past 7 years. He was going off having the best time talking! It was so great.
So, home from the ER. Nate can't go to school tomorrow. Matt is watching him while I go to the gym (I know, I am selfish).
We are off to camp at 3:30 and all of the kids are so excited that we are going to be in so much snow!
Hurley is great. He uses his paper - most of the time. He went to the vet today and everything checks out okay.
Hobie likes him. That's a good thing although he is still very sullen. He will get better eventually and without drugs!
That's it. I thought we had had our fill of hospitals but today proved that theory bunk. Hopefully, it will be a long while before we go back!
Off to get packed. All the boys are in my room - 2 on the floor and 1 in my bed! They love to snuggle. They are such great kids!
I will change that dang photo on the top of the blog soon as well as my voicemail message. It is too hard to hear his voice and it is too painful to look at Gary. He was so sick in that picture.
I think I will put Hurley and Hobie in his place. Hurley's AKC registered name is Hurley Gene Simmons. Gary would love that. He has the LONGEST tongue - Holy cow!
Good night and have a great weekend!
Love, L
I swear. I am totally overwhelmed this week. Everything seems to be happening at once. I can't wait for February 28th. Camp will be over (although I absolutely LOVE going to camp - I hate getting ready) and Little League Opening Day will be over.
Baseball is in full swing. That brings me to my latest story.
Wait. Wait. Wait. I have to first tell you about Zach's run in.
It's 10 PM the other night and Zach is with a bunch of teenagers (who will remain anonymous) and they all have paintball and air soft guns. They are playing at Bathgate Elementary and having a great time. Evidently, a neighbor phones the police department because they saw "guys with guns" at the school.
Picture this......Zach is on the curb sitting down amongst all the teens. As the kids go down the line telling the officers what grade they are in they get to Zach. 8th grade, 8th grade, 9th grade, 9th grade, and then there is my 4th grader.
Who, by the way, was spending the night at the M's house. They were completely and utterly responsible for my child. I guess they will never be watching him again now that I know how liberal they are!!! HA HA
The police called the M's house and S had to come pick the boys up from their curbside post. I hope they learned their lesson!
They talk about it like it was really cool to get caught. I hope and pray that is the absolute worst run in any of my boys EVER have with law inforcement.
Back to tonight. We had some more excitement. When Gary was in the hospital, Nate was the only one who did not make an ER trip. How proud we were of him. Well, he made up for it tonight.
We were at the fields while Jax and Zach were practicing and Nate was holding Hobie. Hobie is the greatest dog but has severe leash aggression. Hobie saw another dog and darted (he is super strong) and Nate was holding the leash. Nate fell and slammed his left temple into the corner of the bleachers. He cried and cried and cried for over and hour.
I pulled the boys out of practice and I rushed him to the ER at Mission and Matt picked Zach, Jax, Hobie, and Hurley up from the ER and took them home.
Todd met me which was nice. Matt's Mom fast tracked us in and that was so great! We were there about an hour. Nate is going to have a bruise and has a possible concussion but that seems to be the extent.
I am watching him closely. He only ate half of his dinner (mac & cheese - all-time fav) and would not eat ice cream (next all-time fav). Nate never gives up food. He did say his head still really hurts and he has been very quiet since we returned home.
In the ER, he kept Todd and I very entertained. I do not think he has talked that much in the past 7 years. He was going off having the best time talking! It was so great.
So, home from the ER. Nate can't go to school tomorrow. Matt is watching him while I go to the gym (I know, I am selfish).
We are off to camp at 3:30 and all of the kids are so excited that we are going to be in so much snow!
Hurley is great. He uses his paper - most of the time. He went to the vet today and everything checks out okay.
Hobie likes him. That's a good thing although he is still very sullen. He will get better eventually and without drugs!
That's it. I thought we had had our fill of hospitals but today proved that theory bunk. Hopefully, it will be a long while before we go back!
Off to get packed. All the boys are in my room - 2 on the floor and 1 in my bed! They love to snuggle. They are such great kids!
I will change that dang photo on the top of the blog soon as well as my voicemail message. It is too hard to hear his voice and it is too painful to look at Gary. He was so sick in that picture.
I think I will put Hurley and Hobie in his place. Hurley's AKC registered name is Hurley Gene Simmons. Gary would love that. He has the LONGEST tongue - Holy cow!
Good night and have a great weekend!
Love, L
Monday, February 16, 2009
Short Update
I have had a bad day today. Ren and The Poole's showed up tonight with goodies and flowers for me and that cheered me up a bit.
Valentines Day marked our 14th Anniversary of our first date and kiss. Today would have been our 13th Wedding Anniversary.
The boys have been clingy to say the least. No sleepovers anywhere. In my room glued to me. Understandable.
Today the boys were beyond whiney and they spent the day complaining and crying about not having a Dad. I totally understand but today for I guess obvious reason it took its toll on me and I felt like I was going to crack!
I saw a photo of Gary in the boys room yesterday and I know why I took them all down. It is very hard for me to look at pics of him.
They don't even understand that this affects me too. They aren't suppose to. They are young.
I just need a time out I guess. Too much emotional turmoil for me today. I do not function well in chaos and highly charged emotional environments.
I need to go. I will remember to tell you in the next few days about Zach's first experience with law enforcement.
Gotcha wondering, don't I?
Have a happy night.
Love, L
Valentines Day marked our 14th Anniversary of our first date and kiss. Today would have been our 13th Wedding Anniversary.
The boys have been clingy to say the least. No sleepovers anywhere. In my room glued to me. Understandable.
Today the boys were beyond whiney and they spent the day complaining and crying about not having a Dad. I totally understand but today for I guess obvious reason it took its toll on me and I felt like I was going to crack!
I saw a photo of Gary in the boys room yesterday and I know why I took them all down. It is very hard for me to look at pics of him.
They don't even understand that this affects me too. They aren't suppose to. They are young.
I just need a time out I guess. Too much emotional turmoil for me today. I do not function well in chaos and highly charged emotional environments.
I need to go. I will remember to tell you in the next few days about Zach's first experience with law enforcement.
Gotcha wondering, don't I?
Have a happy night.
Love, L
Friday, February 13, 2009
Defining Moments
I have made a fairly big decision. I think it is the first one I have made on my own. Usually Gary and I make all of the decisions together and it feels good to have your spouse supporting you in those decisions and visa versa. This time I did it all by myself.
Drumroll please...................
I have decided that I am NOT going to allow cancer to define me.
Cancer is negative. There is nothing redeeming about cancer. Nothing. Cancer has been a huge part of my life like so many others but I refuse to allow something so negative to define who I am now or who I am going to be. Gary has died. He was the love of my life. We shared everything but now he is gone. There is nothing I can do about that but I do have a choice as to how the rest of my life will play out. I allowed to many negative things in my past to define me and for 6 years after high school when I looked in the mirror I didn't even know myself.
Facebook is such a great thing. I am talking to people I have not spoken with in 19 years. I just love getting back into contact with the people I have so many fond memories of. Do you want to know why I have not spoken to these people? It's just like I said above. I allowed the things that were going on in my life to change me and DEFINE me and it interferred with my relationships.
I grew up with a schitzophrenic brother and family life was hard. I picked the absolute WRONG boyfriend in my Senior Year. Why did I pick him? I needed to fill a void. I needed to be needed. I wanted so badly for someone to pay attention to me. My Dad had lost his job and they were moving out of state and leaving me behind. This WRONG boyfriend was in my life WAY TOO long and I made terrible choices. I cut off relationships and my life was so incredibly messy.
It took me years trying to figure out how to do things right. In the last 2 years of my relationship with this boyfriend I managed to get a hold of myself and get strong enough to get out. God's grace got me through. Now, it took some time and I delved into Codependent books and took the advice of people who had much greater wisdom than I had and I worked very hard at redefining who I am. Once I got myself in a good place and got heart healthy I was able to open myself up and meet the man I always knew I deserved. Gary was such an amazing husband and father.
Had I not found myself I would have never married Gary. I refused to let the "past" determine how I was going to live out the next part. I took no baggage from that part.
I am going to do the same with this part of my life. Cancer will not define me nor will it weigh me down with its ugly baggage and I hope I can give my kids that gift as well.
I choose to take the very best parts of what we have gone through and apply them to our life from here on out. You are asking how there could be good parts? Well, for the hundreds of you who have gone on this journey with us know there is goodness because you have seen it firsthand. Tragedy brings out the very best in people. It brought out the best in Gary and I hope it brought out the best in me. The caring and loving and laughing and sharing and martini parties and baseball gatherings and on and on and on that went on during Gary's illness are the things I choose to hold close to my heart. Our life before cancer I will choose to hold on to. Gary's smile and amazing strength is another thing I will hold on to.
Instead of getting overwhelmed and lost in what most people would consider tragic I am going to make our life into something great. Our neighbor Bette died a week before Gary. Gary and Bette loved hanging out and many of you met her. Bette was a wonderful woman. She always told me "When life gives you a lemon you'd better learn how to make lemonade!" It is so true. We are moving forward and going to make some lemonade.
I am still going to have a sad day and a bad day and a frustrating day BUT that is all they will amount to - a day.
I don't want to go at this alone. I am taking all of you with me. I want all of you to take your baggage and give it to God. Figure it out and process it and get rid of it. Take the good from it and leave the rest behind. Don't let negativity be a dominant part of your life. It is not healthy for any of us to do that.
Many people say that misery loves company. Content people love company too!
I have to put the boys to bed now.
My prayer for you is to get rid of yuckiness - if you have it. Do what it takes to cleanse your soul and get a smile on your face! I promise to try to do that every single day!
Love,
L
Drumroll please...................
I have decided that I am NOT going to allow cancer to define me.
Cancer is negative. There is nothing redeeming about cancer. Nothing. Cancer has been a huge part of my life like so many others but I refuse to allow something so negative to define who I am now or who I am going to be. Gary has died. He was the love of my life. We shared everything but now he is gone. There is nothing I can do about that but I do have a choice as to how the rest of my life will play out. I allowed to many negative things in my past to define me and for 6 years after high school when I looked in the mirror I didn't even know myself.
Facebook is such a great thing. I am talking to people I have not spoken with in 19 years. I just love getting back into contact with the people I have so many fond memories of. Do you want to know why I have not spoken to these people? It's just like I said above. I allowed the things that were going on in my life to change me and DEFINE me and it interferred with my relationships.
I grew up with a schitzophrenic brother and family life was hard. I picked the absolute WRONG boyfriend in my Senior Year. Why did I pick him? I needed to fill a void. I needed to be needed. I wanted so badly for someone to pay attention to me. My Dad had lost his job and they were moving out of state and leaving me behind. This WRONG boyfriend was in my life WAY TOO long and I made terrible choices. I cut off relationships and my life was so incredibly messy.
It took me years trying to figure out how to do things right. In the last 2 years of my relationship with this boyfriend I managed to get a hold of myself and get strong enough to get out. God's grace got me through. Now, it took some time and I delved into Codependent books and took the advice of people who had much greater wisdom than I had and I worked very hard at redefining who I am. Once I got myself in a good place and got heart healthy I was able to open myself up and meet the man I always knew I deserved. Gary was such an amazing husband and father.
Had I not found myself I would have never married Gary. I refused to let the "past" determine how I was going to live out the next part. I took no baggage from that part.
I am going to do the same with this part of my life. Cancer will not define me nor will it weigh me down with its ugly baggage and I hope I can give my kids that gift as well.
I choose to take the very best parts of what we have gone through and apply them to our life from here on out. You are asking how there could be good parts? Well, for the hundreds of you who have gone on this journey with us know there is goodness because you have seen it firsthand. Tragedy brings out the very best in people. It brought out the best in Gary and I hope it brought out the best in me. The caring and loving and laughing and sharing and martini parties and baseball gatherings and on and on and on that went on during Gary's illness are the things I choose to hold close to my heart. Our life before cancer I will choose to hold on to. Gary's smile and amazing strength is another thing I will hold on to.
Instead of getting overwhelmed and lost in what most people would consider tragic I am going to make our life into something great. Our neighbor Bette died a week before Gary. Gary and Bette loved hanging out and many of you met her. Bette was a wonderful woman. She always told me "When life gives you a lemon you'd better learn how to make lemonade!" It is so true. We are moving forward and going to make some lemonade.
I am still going to have a sad day and a bad day and a frustrating day BUT that is all they will amount to - a day.
I don't want to go at this alone. I am taking all of you with me. I want all of you to take your baggage and give it to God. Figure it out and process it and get rid of it. Take the good from it and leave the rest behind. Don't let negativity be a dominant part of your life. It is not healthy for any of us to do that.
Many people say that misery loves company. Content people love company too!
I have to put the boys to bed now.
My prayer for you is to get rid of yuckiness - if you have it. Do what it takes to cleanse your soul and get a smile on your face! I promise to try to do that every single day!
Love,
L
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Nights
Nights are the hardest for me. It is so quiet (I like that) but there is such a thing as too quiet. This is a "forced" quiet. Not by choice. I can hear Hobie chewing on his toy in the other room. I can hear the buzz of electricity throughout the house. Nothing on TV. I KNOW American Idol is on but for whatever reason I have no interest in that right now. I could never live in a Monestary and take a vow of silence. I have way too much to say. For those of you who have to listen to me all the time - deal! HAHA
Today was busy and I am scattered. Todd and I were talking today about me - all my issues it seems. I have been struggling with the fact that I am having a difficult time focusing.
I understand that part of grief is this insane loss of focus. I know what I need to do. I always have. I make a mental note and it gets done. I am seriously organized and punctual and type A (no snickering about my OCD tendencies that you might THINK I have). I have never had to have a "To Do" list in my life.
Gary was never good about doing things without a list. Many of my friends husbands (sorry guys) are the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. LEAVE ME A NOTE. CALL MY VM. POST IT ON FB. I know how guys are. It's not your fault. You use a different part of your brain. I will make a slight disclaimer - not all of you fit into this category and I'm not naming names.
So, I have become this "list maker" so that I don't forget things. I have gone back to my Covey instead of relying on my Treo. I have to have things in front of my face and it sucks. I hate this. I want my old brain back.
Hoefully I can move through thie grieving process swiftly and get back a hold of myself.
So many of you write to me, post on my FB, E-mail me, call me and all the other things you do. Thank you all so very much. I read everything and I have every intention of responding promptly to you but I fall short and time passes and then I forget what I was supposed to do or what I wanted to do. Heck, I forget what I need at Pavilions when I am standing in the middle of the store.
Funny how the brain works.
This void I feel without Gary is not a black bottomless hole. I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't need to look for it because I know where he is. I don't need to fill it up because God does that for me. I just need to be okay that it is there and be patient as God changes me and molds me through this time. He is working on me every day (I need it!) and I know I will come through this stronger than ever and my faith is and will become stronger than ever.
I can't even fathom how people go through something of this magnitude without Jesus. He is the ONLY reason Gary is in heaven right now. How do people find the light in life in dark times without faith? We are not capable of doing this on our own. We were not created that way. God is constant. He waits for us even when we are independent and are too stubborn to admit that we can't go at it on our own. God is good. Thank God he forgives us or we'd all be in trouble.
I will tell you how insanely exciting my life is right now. Laundry. Valentines. Homework X3. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner - my gosh EVERY single day. Paperwork. Bills. Driving. Making beds - HATE THAT!. Are you jealous yet?
Hey, it's my job. I am the Mom. When I was filling out a questionaire (you know the ones friends send you with the 50 questions like favorite color, etc..) I stumbled on how to define myself. The new me is everything I always have been with the exception of being a wife. That was a reality check. Wow. It's all me now.
God gives me grace and patience and He has given me all of you. You are all so faithful and loving and amazing. I thank God for you everyday because like I said before I could not get through this without you.
Off to laundry heaven.
Say your prayers and brush your teeth!
Love, Lisa
Today was busy and I am scattered. Todd and I were talking today about me - all my issues it seems. I have been struggling with the fact that I am having a difficult time focusing.
I understand that part of grief is this insane loss of focus. I know what I need to do. I always have. I make a mental note and it gets done. I am seriously organized and punctual and type A (no snickering about my OCD tendencies that you might THINK I have). I have never had to have a "To Do" list in my life.
Gary was never good about doing things without a list. Many of my friends husbands (sorry guys) are the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. LEAVE ME A NOTE. CALL MY VM. POST IT ON FB. I know how guys are. It's not your fault. You use a different part of your brain. I will make a slight disclaimer - not all of you fit into this category and I'm not naming names.
So, I have become this "list maker" so that I don't forget things. I have gone back to my Covey instead of relying on my Treo. I have to have things in front of my face and it sucks. I hate this. I want my old brain back.
Hoefully I can move through thie grieving process swiftly and get back a hold of myself.
So many of you write to me, post on my FB, E-mail me, call me and all the other things you do. Thank you all so very much. I read everything and I have every intention of responding promptly to you but I fall short and time passes and then I forget what I was supposed to do or what I wanted to do. Heck, I forget what I need at Pavilions when I am standing in the middle of the store.
Funny how the brain works.
This void I feel without Gary is not a black bottomless hole. I just feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't need to look for it because I know where he is. I don't need to fill it up because God does that for me. I just need to be okay that it is there and be patient as God changes me and molds me through this time. He is working on me every day (I need it!) and I know I will come through this stronger than ever and my faith is and will become stronger than ever.
I can't even fathom how people go through something of this magnitude without Jesus. He is the ONLY reason Gary is in heaven right now. How do people find the light in life in dark times without faith? We are not capable of doing this on our own. We were not created that way. God is constant. He waits for us even when we are independent and are too stubborn to admit that we can't go at it on our own. God is good. Thank God he forgives us or we'd all be in trouble.
I will tell you how insanely exciting my life is right now. Laundry. Valentines. Homework X3. Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner - my gosh EVERY single day. Paperwork. Bills. Driving. Making beds - HATE THAT!. Are you jealous yet?
Hey, it's my job. I am the Mom. When I was filling out a questionaire (you know the ones friends send you with the 50 questions like favorite color, etc..) I stumbled on how to define myself. The new me is everything I always have been with the exception of being a wife. That was a reality check. Wow. It's all me now.
God gives me grace and patience and He has given me all of you. You are all so faithful and loving and amazing. I thank God for you everyday because like I said before I could not get through this without you.
Off to laundry heaven.
Say your prayers and brush your teeth!
Love, Lisa
Snow and Ashes
I know. Strange title.
The kids and I played hookey yesterday and headed up to Big Bear. We left at 5:30 AM and dropped Jax off at Tanner's house on our way. Poor Jax. He is not allowed to ski/board with the pins still in his arm. His pins will come out soon and he will have his final cast so that is some good news. I am not sure how happy he will be when they remove the pins but I do plan on giving him some codeine beforehand - doctors orders.
Back to our day.
We picked half of the Muck family up and we headed up the mountain. Here is where the fun part starts.
Chains went on in Redlands due to the snow and ice - obviously. We ventured up the mountain at 30 MPH. Let me say that driving with chains is very, very noisy.
After almost sliding off the road we finally made it to the top and headed to Blauer to get our gear.
The kids were so excited. Big Bear has so much snow. It is amazingly beautiful.
We boarded/skied all day until we closed the mountain down. The weather was perfect, the conditions were awesome (let's not compare Big Bear to Mammoth/Colorado please), and THERE WAS NO ONE THERE! Many times we would be on a trail with no one in sight. It was so great.
Zach and Nick boarded all over the mountain and did their rails and boxes and whatever else they do. Black Diamond runs (once again, no comparisons please) were the talk of the day as Zach actually went down The Bowl! Nate surprised me as well. Steph and I took off down a run with Nate and then we split up as Nate wanted to take that Black Diamond run and we just wanted to chill down the easier one. He loves skiing and everyone of us were on that mountain all day!
We took about 1/2 of one of the bags of Gary's ashes and we sprinkled them down the Miracle Mile run. The kids loved that and Gary's remains will become one with the earth on top of Summit! (OMG - that sounds so granola - not that it's bad or anything).
The ride home was sketchy as well. One of our chains broke off and it took about a 1/2 hour to get the other one off. Travelling on the poor road conditions was more than worth it! Hopefully we can go up another day next week. A big storm is heading our way this weekend and it will hopefully dump so much snow!
I am off to the gym and meetings and homework make up and snack bar duties and blah blah blah blah blah............I really do need a clone.
I am not going to get into how we are holding up right now. I have had writers block lately again and I am tired of it. If I can tonight I will write.
The puppy (Hurley) is coming soon. The kids are super happy. I am happy but not looking forward to raising another puppy. I am sure he will bring us so much joy. The good will outweigh the challenging.
Have a great day!
Love,
L
The kids and I played hookey yesterday and headed up to Big Bear. We left at 5:30 AM and dropped Jax off at Tanner's house on our way. Poor Jax. He is not allowed to ski/board with the pins still in his arm. His pins will come out soon and he will have his final cast so that is some good news. I am not sure how happy he will be when they remove the pins but I do plan on giving him some codeine beforehand - doctors orders.
Back to our day.
We picked half of the Muck family up and we headed up the mountain. Here is where the fun part starts.
Chains went on in Redlands due to the snow and ice - obviously. We ventured up the mountain at 30 MPH. Let me say that driving with chains is very, very noisy.
After almost sliding off the road we finally made it to the top and headed to Blauer to get our gear.
The kids were so excited. Big Bear has so much snow. It is amazingly beautiful.
We boarded/skied all day until we closed the mountain down. The weather was perfect, the conditions were awesome (let's not compare Big Bear to Mammoth/Colorado please), and THERE WAS NO ONE THERE! Many times we would be on a trail with no one in sight. It was so great.
Zach and Nick boarded all over the mountain and did their rails and boxes and whatever else they do. Black Diamond runs (once again, no comparisons please) were the talk of the day as Zach actually went down The Bowl! Nate surprised me as well. Steph and I took off down a run with Nate and then we split up as Nate wanted to take that Black Diamond run and we just wanted to chill down the easier one. He loves skiing and everyone of us were on that mountain all day!
We took about 1/2 of one of the bags of Gary's ashes and we sprinkled them down the Miracle Mile run. The kids loved that and Gary's remains will become one with the earth on top of Summit! (OMG - that sounds so granola - not that it's bad or anything).
The ride home was sketchy as well. One of our chains broke off and it took about a 1/2 hour to get the other one off. Travelling on the poor road conditions was more than worth it! Hopefully we can go up another day next week. A big storm is heading our way this weekend and it will hopefully dump so much snow!
I am off to the gym and meetings and homework make up and snack bar duties and blah blah blah blah blah............I really do need a clone.
I am not going to get into how we are holding up right now. I have had writers block lately again and I am tired of it. If I can tonight I will write.
The puppy (Hurley) is coming soon. The kids are super happy. I am happy but not looking forward to raising another puppy. I am sure he will bring us so much joy. The good will outweigh the challenging.
Have a great day!
Love,
L
Friday, February 6, 2009
Rain & Yearbooks
It rained a good part of the night last night. It has not rained that hard in a long time. I am not a super huge fan of the rain. I like the rain occasionally but if I had my druthers I would wish for 80 degrees with a slight breeze all year long.
Last night the rain bothered me. Gary LOVED LOVED LOVED the rain. He LOVED weather. Wind. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Tornadoes. Hurricanes. LOVED IT ALL. The rain last night just made me sad. It reminded me of Gary and that he will never be back here again. When it was raining, I can see his face so clearly in my mind. It is really hard. I have taken down almost all of his photos in the house because it is hard for me to look at them and then here comes the rain to conjure up all those images again.
When I often think of Gary I think of his pain and suffering and his immense struggle. It just makes me sad just like the rain does. I know he is no longer struggling and suffering BUT the fact that he did so much here on earth is troubling. I will have to find new ways to view rain. Gary would have wanted me to be happy everytime it rains. He certainly was. So much so it was like having a 4th little boy in the house. He had to go outside and look for lightning. He wanted to feel it and be in it. Good for him! I just want to be inside by the fireplace under my electric blanket!
Last night some of my friends got a HUGE kick out of looking through my highschool yearbook and making fun of my hideous hairdo! My Homecoming Court photo got the most pokes and my 9th grade photo (I will withhold the name of my great friend) got a comment that was completely hurtful and rude!! I think she said I looked like a 2 ton heifer! WOW. The insults. I was not heavy but I must admit in the photo I am not looking too hot. It was all in good fun (don't worry S about how bad you hurt my feelings - I'll get over it someday :) ). Just a closing thought about the past.
I have changed so incredibly much since jr. high and high school. I am not even the same person. I was very studious and loved school but Junior High and High school were very difficult time for me. My brother was out of control, my father was so strict, my mom was wrapped up in my brother, I had a very long standing relationship with a guy (don't let your daughters do this in high school), I met the wrong guy my senior year, and my values went out the window. I was looking to be fulfilled in unfulfilling things. I needed attention and I could never find what I needed. My parents left when I was 18. My whole life was so different.
I used to have tremendous guilt. I should have not said that or done that. I can't believe I went there or had that relationship. I wish I would have handled that better or not talked to that person. Shoulda woulda coulda. I lived my whole life wrapped up in that all the time. I hated living like that. It was awful and bad for the head!
But, when all is said and done I am who I am because of those experiences. I am strong and I have conviction. I love God and have so many friends and healthy relationships. I love my family. My mom and dad are wonderful. I had my Love for 14 years of my life. He gave me 3 beautiful children. My family is wonderful and my brother is up in heaven with Gary and Gary's brother and everyone we know who loved the Lord and went before them.
I have struggles but I can't complain. I can be sad sometimes. Reminiscent even. But, I really like who God has made me to be and that is what makes the yucky things in my past more bearable. I always look for the positive. I don't see how people don't. Life is hard when you are not on vacation. We have to make a conscious effort to look for the silver lining in things. It can make a dismal situation look just a little more cheery.
Don't spend your life wishing things in your past were different. It is what it is and you can't change it. Don't spend your time wanting what you don't have. Don't spend your time holding on to negative emotions or letting people affect you in a negative way. Turn it around. Start to look for the good things. Value yourself. If there is something you see that you don't like - you have the power to change it.
Wow. Off the soapbox and going to kickbox. I just want everyone to find the good things and hold on to them instead of wasting time worrying about yucky ones.
Enjoy the rain - I promise I am going to try. It is my challenge for the day. Find the joy in the rain.
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
Last night the rain bothered me. Gary LOVED LOVED LOVED the rain. He LOVED weather. Wind. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Tornadoes. Hurricanes. LOVED IT ALL. The rain last night just made me sad. It reminded me of Gary and that he will never be back here again. When it was raining, I can see his face so clearly in my mind. It is really hard. I have taken down almost all of his photos in the house because it is hard for me to look at them and then here comes the rain to conjure up all those images again.
When I often think of Gary I think of his pain and suffering and his immense struggle. It just makes me sad just like the rain does. I know he is no longer struggling and suffering BUT the fact that he did so much here on earth is troubling. I will have to find new ways to view rain. Gary would have wanted me to be happy everytime it rains. He certainly was. So much so it was like having a 4th little boy in the house. He had to go outside and look for lightning. He wanted to feel it and be in it. Good for him! I just want to be inside by the fireplace under my electric blanket!
Last night some of my friends got a HUGE kick out of looking through my highschool yearbook and making fun of my hideous hairdo! My Homecoming Court photo got the most pokes and my 9th grade photo (I will withhold the name of my great friend) got a comment that was completely hurtful and rude!! I think she said I looked like a 2 ton heifer! WOW. The insults. I was not heavy but I must admit in the photo I am not looking too hot. It was all in good fun (don't worry S about how bad you hurt my feelings - I'll get over it someday :) ). Just a closing thought about the past.
I have changed so incredibly much since jr. high and high school. I am not even the same person. I was very studious and loved school but Junior High and High school were very difficult time for me. My brother was out of control, my father was so strict, my mom was wrapped up in my brother, I had a very long standing relationship with a guy (don't let your daughters do this in high school), I met the wrong guy my senior year, and my values went out the window. I was looking to be fulfilled in unfulfilling things. I needed attention and I could never find what I needed. My parents left when I was 18. My whole life was so different.
I used to have tremendous guilt. I should have not said that or done that. I can't believe I went there or had that relationship. I wish I would have handled that better or not talked to that person. Shoulda woulda coulda. I lived my whole life wrapped up in that all the time. I hated living like that. It was awful and bad for the head!
But, when all is said and done I am who I am because of those experiences. I am strong and I have conviction. I love God and have so many friends and healthy relationships. I love my family. My mom and dad are wonderful. I had my Love for 14 years of my life. He gave me 3 beautiful children. My family is wonderful and my brother is up in heaven with Gary and Gary's brother and everyone we know who loved the Lord and went before them.
I have struggles but I can't complain. I can be sad sometimes. Reminiscent even. But, I really like who God has made me to be and that is what makes the yucky things in my past more bearable. I always look for the positive. I don't see how people don't. Life is hard when you are not on vacation. We have to make a conscious effort to look for the silver lining in things. It can make a dismal situation look just a little more cheery.
Don't spend your life wishing things in your past were different. It is what it is and you can't change it. Don't spend your time wanting what you don't have. Don't spend your time holding on to negative emotions or letting people affect you in a negative way. Turn it around. Start to look for the good things. Value yourself. If there is something you see that you don't like - you have the power to change it.
Wow. Off the soapbox and going to kickbox. I just want everyone to find the good things and hold on to them instead of wasting time worrying about yucky ones.
Enjoy the rain - I promise I am going to try. It is my challenge for the day. Find the joy in the rain.
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
A Man in Diapers
The kids run up to the door after school today. All three of them are trying to talk to me at the same time. The look on their faces is kind of a smiling scared if you can imagine.
I quieted them (I actually hushed them) and then listened as they proceeded to tell me that a man on our street came outside in "his diaper" and threatened the kids with extremely foul language. He screamed the "f" word among many other colorful words and told them he was going to kick their "A's" and beat them up.
Why? Well, they said he told them to stop beating Jax up. Beating Jax? I'm not kidding. We are talking about my three boys and their friend Jackson. Jax actually fell on the ground and Jackson was trying to help him up and make him feel better. NO ONE was touching Jax.
So, I meet up with Jackson's Mom and we head over to this guys house. We get to the door and it is wide open and an absolute disaster. I call out to get a response and sure enough HE RESPONDED.
He was in the locked bathroom yelling at Jen and I - totally disgusting language. He told us that one of the boys had to go to the bathroom and the other boys told him to run like their Dad would and he was obviously confused and not making any sense whatsoever. I finally told him that if he ever spoke like that to our children that I was going to call the police. He kept yelling so I got on the phone and called the police.
I was genuinely concerned about him. I never thought people actually talked to other people the way he talked to our kids and to us. Something MUST be wrong with him.
The police come. Take my statement. Take the boys statements. They leave and go to the guys house. They come back.
NOTHING wrong with the guy. He was picked on as a kid and he was trying to protect Jax - IN A DIAPER MIGHT I ADD! Protect him from WHAT??????? The guy has SERIOUS ISSUES! He lied and I think he is dangerous. He is going to cramp my life now that I have to walk the boys home from school every day! THANKS A WHOLE LOT GUY IN DIAPERS!!!!
We are getting excited about our new little puppy - HURLEY. He is so cute and not only is he coming from the Sallee hometown but I found out that he was born on my birthday and he will probably be shipped on Gary's and my anniversary! So strange how these things work.
If anyone has a big wire crate with the divider so it can grow with our Hurley please let me know. I let a few friends borrow the ones Matt and Jen had given me to use and I hate to take it away from them as they still use them. I also need a fairly big plastic travel crate with the latch door in the front to keep him in for a while. Anyone have a doggy play yard? I have looked on Craigs List and so far nothing worth much of anything. I guess I could have someone get me on to the Ladera Life site to take a peek. Let me know if you are getting rid of anything having to do with puppies!
I have another blog entry on my other computer that I need to post from the past few days. I promise to do that tonight.
Jax is having a hard night tonight. He has now voiced how unfair he thinks it is that all of his friends have Dads and he does not. It is so hard to go through this BUT we are making it through together and I thank God every day that Gary gave these 3 amazing boys to me! They are a true joy every single day!
God is good. Remember to look for the good in everything. It is there. Sometimes you really have to look but it is there.
Off to finish laundry, pack lunches, get the boys to bed, do the dishes and everything else that might pile up if I leave it!
Praise and Love,
Lisa
I quieted them (I actually hushed them) and then listened as they proceeded to tell me that a man on our street came outside in "his diaper" and threatened the kids with extremely foul language. He screamed the "f" word among many other colorful words and told them he was going to kick their "A's" and beat them up.
Why? Well, they said he told them to stop beating Jax up. Beating Jax? I'm not kidding. We are talking about my three boys and their friend Jackson. Jax actually fell on the ground and Jackson was trying to help him up and make him feel better. NO ONE was touching Jax.
So, I meet up with Jackson's Mom and we head over to this guys house. We get to the door and it is wide open and an absolute disaster. I call out to get a response and sure enough HE RESPONDED.
He was in the locked bathroom yelling at Jen and I - totally disgusting language. He told us that one of the boys had to go to the bathroom and the other boys told him to run like their Dad would and he was obviously confused and not making any sense whatsoever. I finally told him that if he ever spoke like that to our children that I was going to call the police. He kept yelling so I got on the phone and called the police.
I was genuinely concerned about him. I never thought people actually talked to other people the way he talked to our kids and to us. Something MUST be wrong with him.
The police come. Take my statement. Take the boys statements. They leave and go to the guys house. They come back.
NOTHING wrong with the guy. He was picked on as a kid and he was trying to protect Jax - IN A DIAPER MIGHT I ADD! Protect him from WHAT??????? The guy has SERIOUS ISSUES! He lied and I think he is dangerous. He is going to cramp my life now that I have to walk the boys home from school every day! THANKS A WHOLE LOT GUY IN DIAPERS!!!!
We are getting excited about our new little puppy - HURLEY. He is so cute and not only is he coming from the Sallee hometown but I found out that he was born on my birthday and he will probably be shipped on Gary's and my anniversary! So strange how these things work.
If anyone has a big wire crate with the divider so it can grow with our Hurley please let me know. I let a few friends borrow the ones Matt and Jen had given me to use and I hate to take it away from them as they still use them. I also need a fairly big plastic travel crate with the latch door in the front to keep him in for a while. Anyone have a doggy play yard? I have looked on Craigs List and so far nothing worth much of anything. I guess I could have someone get me on to the Ladera Life site to take a peek. Let me know if you are getting rid of anything having to do with puppies!
I have another blog entry on my other computer that I need to post from the past few days. I promise to do that tonight.
Jax is having a hard night tonight. He has now voiced how unfair he thinks it is that all of his friends have Dads and he does not. It is so hard to go through this BUT we are making it through together and I thank God every day that Gary gave these 3 amazing boys to me! They are a true joy every single day!
God is good. Remember to look for the good in everything. It is there. Sometimes you really have to look but it is there.
Off to finish laundry, pack lunches, get the boys to bed, do the dishes and everything else that might pile up if I leave it!
Praise and Love,
Lisa
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Sunday
Good Morning.
I still have the dumpster and am in the middle of cleaning out my house. Every corner I turn and every room I go in to I find crap that needs to go! It feels good but it also feels like the cleaning out process will never end. It is tiring.
Gary's car is still giving me problems although no more transmission issues. Something is draining the battery so if I go longer than a day without driving it I can't start it without a jump. The check engine light just went on as well. These things happen around 150,000 miles.
My car has a funky smell like something is burning on the engine. I have no heater and the life of the car is coming to a close for me. My car has 135,000 miles on it.
My plan is to trade both cars in and get a "very lightly" used one. I am looking at the Expedition extended model (same length as the Suburban). If the dealer won't take the cars then I will donate them and take the write off. I have people helping me to try and find the best deal. I am patient.
My house is so quiet. No one is home. It is a lonely feeling. Most of you would kill for a quiet house. I used to be like that but now I cherish the commotion of a house filled with noise. Gary used to watch TV in the mornings before we headed off to the doctor office. The phones were ringing off the hook. People were in and out. Life was crazy. I used to wish for more quiet. Now, I have it. I wish I didn't. The grass is never greener for too long. It might be for a brief moment but then when reality sets in it's not so green anymore.
I think I will go to the gym and blow off some steam. I have a staff meeting today and the boys have baseball and I have a board meeting tonight. Lots of stuff in the afternoon and evening hours.
I guess I will try and enjoy the quiet right now and stop my whining.
Oh, by the way, the diaper guy was shorter than Zach! I wanted to add that to your visual! If I can snap a photo of him I will eventually Facebook it!
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
I still have the dumpster and am in the middle of cleaning out my house. Every corner I turn and every room I go in to I find crap that needs to go! It feels good but it also feels like the cleaning out process will never end. It is tiring.
Gary's car is still giving me problems although no more transmission issues. Something is draining the battery so if I go longer than a day without driving it I can't start it without a jump. The check engine light just went on as well. These things happen around 150,000 miles.
My car has a funky smell like something is burning on the engine. I have no heater and the life of the car is coming to a close for me. My car has 135,000 miles on it.
My plan is to trade both cars in and get a "very lightly" used one. I am looking at the Expedition extended model (same length as the Suburban). If the dealer won't take the cars then I will donate them and take the write off. I have people helping me to try and find the best deal. I am patient.
My house is so quiet. No one is home. It is a lonely feeling. Most of you would kill for a quiet house. I used to be like that but now I cherish the commotion of a house filled with noise. Gary used to watch TV in the mornings before we headed off to the doctor office. The phones were ringing off the hook. People were in and out. Life was crazy. I used to wish for more quiet. Now, I have it. I wish I didn't. The grass is never greener for too long. It might be for a brief moment but then when reality sets in it's not so green anymore.
I think I will go to the gym and blow off some steam. I have a staff meeting today and the boys have baseball and I have a board meeting tonight. Lots of stuff in the afternoon and evening hours.
I guess I will try and enjoy the quiet right now and stop my whining.
Oh, by the way, the diaper guy was shorter than Zach! I wanted to add that to your visual! If I can snap a photo of him I will eventually Facebook it!
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
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