NEWS Early Friday Morning Feb. 1, 2008

My server has been down for the past 30 hours and I have been unable to communicate via the blog. I just posted a late night posting from Wednesday and this is the follow up.

I am going to pour my heart our right now because at this particular moment I am so overcome with saddness and I have no one to talk to because Gary is not here. Gary is truly my best friend and we share everything. I will share my sadness and frustration and anger and hope and love and faith and prayers with you as I am not able to share these thoughts and feeling with Gary quite yet.

I am laying in our bed for the 2nd night in a row and I am crying because the thought of Gary in an uncomfortable hospital bed in agonizing pain while I sit here under my electric blanket in our warm home is almost unbearable tonight. I feel insanely guilty right now. I thought about not writing because I try to always be in the right frame of mind before I post but I feel like sharing my thoughts and the news I got tonight at 10 PM.

Dr. Barth tells me that it is my job to be positive and to help Gary be positive.

I will ask any of you who visit him or call him or go to pray with him not to dwell on the following information as he has been extremely groggy and probably does not know most of what I am telling you yet. Our job is to keep Gary as positive as possible and some of this information might not be super helpful for him to know right now.

Dr. Barth called tonight. I am sick to my stomach. He told me that after looking extensively at Gary's records and test results that he could not believe that our doctors had overlooked this cancer Gary now has. He told me that just by looking at Gary's tests he has been having done since October he can tell that his cancer has been present since at least October. How in the hell can all of these doctors miss this????? You would think that Gary and I were a bunch of yahoos that dwelled in a cave and came out into the light to repeatedly abuse ourselves by choosing doctors who will not give us the best care. OMG. This cancer has been growing and growing and spreading and spreading right under their noses ALL THIS TIME! I keep telling myself that this can't be happening to our family.

Gary's metastasis is much worse than Dr. Barth thought last week. Just the tone in his voice made me uneasy as he spoke. He can't even count the number of tumors Gary has because there are so many. He has extensive bone damage to his pelvis and they fear fractures because he is so inactive and his pain is so great that the longer he sits around the worse it will get. Tomorrow they will start radiation to try to control his pain. They have given him drugs to help strengthen his bones. They have started him on Heparin to stop clots from forming in his legs (he does not have any yet). They have not been successful in controlling his pain and will continue to work on that as well. They also have him scheduled to PT to get him stronger.
Dr. Barth is calling the shots. I can't second guess him at this time because Gary and I both truly believe that he is the best and will do everything in his medical power to help Gary. Besides, we do not have the luxury of time to be going around collecting different opinions. I have researched Dr. Barth and we had 16 people recommend him to us.

Gary could be in the hospital for about 2 weeks as of now. He is going to absolutely FLIP when I break this news to him tomorrow. I think we will tell him that we are unsure (cause we are) as to how long he will be at Hoag but I anticipate at least a week. The kids are going to be scared and I am beyond sad right now and am trying to get to the place where I can be at the hospital day after day and be super positive and supportive. I will get to that place as soon as I am done writing. I will stop crying and I will reconnect with my logical self. You don't need to worry about me. I want everyone to focus on Gary. SEND POSITIVE THOUGHTS................keep them coming.

Writing is great therapy. You can think outloud and write everything down and work through your thoughts and feelings as you reread what you have written. I save money wherever I go. Look, I don't need a therapist now at $150.00 per hour. I can make you all listen to me via these long boring blogs for FREE!

So I NEED YOUR HELP AND SO DOES GARY.
I would love for Gary to be inundated with cards over the next 2 weeks. When he was at UCI for 9 days his hospital room was covered in photos and posters and happiness that our friends and kids had made for him. This time I would love to have baskets of cards for him with loads of encouragement. If you could possibly help by sending a card to him I would greatly appreciate it. I just looked up the Hoag website to see if you could send the cards there but it looks as if you will need to send them to another address.
You can send the cards to my church office address.

Mountain View Church
C/OLisa Sallee
PO BOX 2058
Mission Viejo, Ca. 92690

So, I have stopped crying. I am going to get a good night's sleep and pray that God will hold my saddness at bay so that I can do what Gary needs me to do for him.

Friends and Family I want you to know that this blog was not intended to be discouraging in any way. I am raw right now and I know you are all waiting and reading and trying to get as much information as you possibly can. Gary and I want to be able to get you accurate information as soon as we receive it.

We did get one piece of somewhat positive news today. The cancer has not spread to any organs as of now. This means that hopefully the chemo can put a complete hault to the spread and we can try to reverse the effects of the cancer.

Once again, ultimately we are in HIS hands and HE already knows the plan. We need to keep praying that if it is in HIS plan that HE please heal Gary and deliver him from this cancer. Either way, no matter how grim things might get, GOD can do anything at any time. He does not really need the doctors or medicine or anything for that matter to give us a miracle.

We can only do what we can do - be there for eachother, support Gary, love Gary, pray for Gary, and place our lives in His hands. He knows the desires of all of our hearts. I know He is just as sad as I am right now and maybe even more because He created Gary and Gary is HIS child.

Thank you God that we have a strong faith through all of this. I have no idea how people could weather the storms life without it! What is the quote - sometimes God quiets the storm and other times he quiets the child and allows the storm to rage on. Is that comforting? I am still trying to dissect that and figure it out. I like the storm getting quieter option myself.

I will go to sleep now. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts without passing judgement on me. I really feel so blessed that you all have been so uplifting and supportive all of the time. You are all a perfect picture of God's creation at its finest. You have all banded together and surrounded our family and in our weakest moments we find that humanity has its kindest and most gentle moments.

We love you and hope you will continue to pray for us during this fight!!! Do not lose faith that God can do anything whenever he wants to!

Love and Happiness,
Lisa