Surgery Morning

Good Morning.
Jax had a great sleep and we have been delayed about an hour due to an emergent surgery that the doctor had to do this morning.

I have not been sleeping well as most of you might expect. I have been having dreams about Gary and they are all dreams that surround him dying. Yucky ones. Seemingly unexplainable ones. I hate unpleasant dreams.

I think I have been having anxiety attacks and they come on even when I think I am calm. I can usually ride them out and recover quickly with prayer. Whenever I stop and clear my head and pray I allow God to work through me and in me He is the reason I can find my center. I thought I was sick. Short of breath. Heart pounding. Headache. I guess this is what experts call anxiety and I frankly DO NOT WANT IT!

I hate grieving. I don't want to grieve. In my sound mind (I have one more than you think) I know Gary would not want me to grieve for too long. He wants me to be happy and he wants the boys to be happy. Amidst our grief we are happy. We laugh and we have fun together and we are out and about doing things together. No one in this house is hiding out under the covers day in and day out (although we may feel like it sometimes). We are a little worried about Hobie.

Hobie is grieving and he does hide under the coffee table a lot of the day. We are looking into the possibility of getting a puppy for Hobie so that when I go back to school in the fall and as I am gone more he will have a companion. We will contact the breeder we got Hobie from next week. The thought of getting a puppy is less than desirable some moments but the rewards and benefits just might outweigh those dismal thoughts.

Well, pray for Jax this morning. He has asked me 20 questions about the pins going into his arm. I can tell he is anxious and worried and I want to fervently pray that he will be calm.

Love to you all!

L