Reality

Less than 24 hours ago Gary died. My husband is dead. The boys father is dead. I can hardly believe it. Somehow it does not seem real. Is he really gone I ask myself. My heart races when I really think about it.

For 14 years we lived our lives together. Inseparable. In one breath all of that has changed. I know it is wonderful for Gary that he is out of pain and with the Lord but it is not wonderful for me or for the boys or probably for you.

I do not feel relief with his passing. I miss him – plain and simple. Tremendous pain in my soul consumes me. I am lying in our bed for the first time in 7 months and I am lonely. Empty. I don’t think I can sleep here. It hurts too much.

I didn’t have enough time with Gary. I am too young to be a widow with 3 small children. Life is hard enough when you have a partner to go through it with.

I know it sounds like I am whining but I don’t care. I am being honest and this is my reality right now.

Has my faith been shaken? Absolutely not. Am I mad? No way. Do I question God as to why he did not step in and save Gary’s life? No.

It’s just plain sadness. The boys are so sad too. We sat in their room tonight as we said prayers and they fired questions at me about Gary? Mom, they asked, what was Dad’s favorite food? Favorite restaurant? Color? Sport? Movie? So many more questions. They miss their Daddy so much and I know it is going to get worse before it gets better.

I have a few favors for everyone. First, I hope you can all make it to the memorial and to the reception at Tijeras Creek. I want the boys to see how many people care about their Dad and about them. I only have one chance to do this part and get it right.

Next, I understand how hard it is to know what to say to us. There is nothing to say other than you are sorry for our loss. We know he is not suffering and he is in a better place but that does not help us or change our sadness level. I do not want the boys to think that they are now the little men of the house or that they need to step up and help out more. Gary and I want them to be our kids just like they always have been. Please just tell them that you are sorry that their Dad died.

Last but not least please continue to pray for us. We will need loads of prayers in the weeks, months and years to come. I will keep blogging as long as people want to keep reading,

I probably need to go now and finish writing the program for the Memorial. I am getting the flowers tomorrow and then I am going to go to the church to figure out some things for the service. I need to get my hair done and I also need to put the picture frame together. I need to get a guest book and copy off the article about Gary from our USC visits.

Thank you to close friends who just show up with food and fellowship. We all need distraction right now.

My heart is still racing. The thought of sleeping alone for the first time is frightening.
Zach and I went to Bette’s funeral today. It was truly beautiful. Out to sea on one of the most phenomenal days.

The day before Bette died I wheeled Gary over to her house and he sat by her bedside. He told her that she beat him to it but he would soon be there with her. He tenderly blew her a kiss and we went home.

8 days later Gary would breathe his last breath and he would join Bette. Watching him take that last breath was so painful for me. Beyond painful. No wonder my heart is racing. I keep coming back to the fact that he is gone.

Rest assured we will be okay with time. God is with us and he will never leave. He will provide us with guidance and surround us with support and love just as he always has. I guess we just need some patience for peace.

Thee obituary will be in the register on Tuesday.

I hope you all come to the Memorial as we remember our Gary.

With sadness,love, and hope for the future,

Lisa