Thursday

So, Jax and I got to spend the evening with Gary at the hospital tonight. Our little league was having a seminar on Positive Parent involvement in our league but I had already attended the workshop and I had not seen Gary at all. Besides, Jax has not had any 1 or 1 time with Gary and it was really a great night! Jax and I both got in bed with Gary and we all snuggled. Gary ate Pick Up Stix and Jax had Macaroni Grill. I had a yummy Jamba juice. It was a smorgasbord (is that how you spell that?) of culinary delights!

Gary was hanging in there tonight. We are having a problem with one of his medications. Anything having to do with morphine gives Gary some side effects that are yucky. The morphine gives him hallucinations and makes his body jerk and he is confused and has short term memory loss. Despite all of those things, we both think his pain control is getting better and our pain management guy can always change that morphine to another opiate like methadone.
Gary is on a drug called Lyrica and it is used to block nerves. As they up the dose he seems to be in less pain. Pray that these new drugs can give him relief and get him home!

Gary's white cells are down a little. His platelets are still really down but like I mentioned before this is all par for the course with cancer treatment. He is due to have chemo this weekend and Zach and I are going to Winter Camp at Forest Home on Friday and we will not be home until Sunday. We will miss Gary but I think I will need to drive my car to camp just in case I will need to leave.

You know, I have a thought. I realize that sometimes it is dangerous when I think but here goes.

We get discouraged with Gary's pain meds and we want so badly for him to be coherent and "mentally active". We are working so hard to achieve that BUT maybe that is not what Gary needs right now. Gary sits in a hospital room day after day faced with a diagnosis that is far from promising. He knows his odds and he knows how bad the cancer is and he is in pain all of the time. He has rashes from radiation. His taste buds are jacked. He has fevers and fatigue. He is taking 15 differnt medications. He has a hard time readjusting himself in bed. It is painful to walk and the food at Hoag is so-so at best! I am serious when I tell you that he never complains.

I don't know about you but when I don't feel good I am usually not in a very happy mood. I had pneumonia when I was PG with Jax and I WAS MISERABLE! SO INCREDIBLY MISERABLE! It was a very difficult time for me. Then, I get a reality check when I think about Gary. The loudness of my complaints fades away as I think about how trivial my pneumonia was compared to Gary's cancer.

Maybe it is good for Gary's mental state to be a little doped up and confused and out of it. Maybe these drugs numb his brain and keep him from dwelling on his condition. Maybe the drugs allow him to have the positive attitude and outlook he has now. Maybe a high husband is a happy husband! Maybe the fact that we have had such a hard time managing his pain is all part of God's plan for us. Maybe he is protecting Gary's mind for now.

Despite everything Garyendures and everything our family is going through I really do love our life. Our days are hard and sometimes grueling and awful and frustrating and scary but at the end of each day we have love. We love our LORD who is faithful and ever present. We love eachother so much. We have the love our family and friends. We love our church and homegroup. We love our school and our Little League and our community. We love giving back and volunteering our time. I love helping with the snackbar. We love working with kids in Kids Ministry and sharing our love of the Lord with so many kids each week!

Another thought but this one is a deep thought. I know I'm blonde but get ready! This is Jack Handy deep!

I REALLY EMBRACE THIS and believe it with all my heart.

You can't worry about tomorrow. Did you know that most of the things we worry about that could potentially affect us in the future never happen and then we wasted all that time and energy being negative and worrying over the "potential" nothing? God does not want us to worry about things we have no control over.

You can't stress over yesterday because is has "past". We can only move forward from each yesterday.

The only alternative to being healthy in body and mind and spirit is to live in the here and now. We must take one day at a time and cherish everything in that day. Each day is a gift and that is probably why it is called the "present".

Back to loving our life. Gary is a HUGE part of who I am but his existence is not the only thing that defines who I am. He is my everything and my best friend and confidant and the love of my life. I love him with every fiber of my being. He is truly a gift from God just as our kids are. I don't know exactly what I am trying to convey to you other than to say that you can't rely on a person to define your existence. No one person can truly give you all of your happiness and joy and they shouldn't have to. You have to find your own happiness and you own purpose for living and loving!

Tonight I saw Gary look at Jax a little differently than he has recently. He wasn't looking at him and thinking how cute he is or how fun he is or how glad he is to see him. He was looking at him in a deeper and more profound way tonight. When I asked him how he was doing he told me that he was feeling reflective tonight. I can't even begin to imagine wat goes through Gary's mind. I do know that even if he truly is in a good place he needs serious prayer to stay in that good place.

Pray that his conacer goes away and never returns!
Pray for Gary to stay positive.
Pray for everyone who continues to touch our lives.
Pray for me to be able to get through every day that is frustrating and harsh with grace and patience and peace.
Pray that God opens doors where they would normally be shut.
Pray that I am always doing the things that will bring glory to God.

I know. I know. Long blog. Whatever. I did not intend it to be so long winded. I could keep going with the comedy of errors I lived through today. Dead battery, jumped battery, dead battery, Walmart (always joyful! :( ), 1 hour of waiting for battery, AIS, spilled diet coke all over, smog test failed due to battery replacement that no one tlold me I couldn't do before a smog test and I could go on and on. But , won't because it is 1:06 AM on Thursday AM.

Sorry if I was scattered. I am tired you know! :)

Good night everyone!
Love, L