Posts
Thursday night. It has been a long day.
I went to the gym and lifted weights for an hour with a friend.
I went to get things squared away for work this weekend. I ran several errands with Bonnie.
Jen stayed at the house and did laundry all day as they are preparing to leave for Peru with the boys this weekend.
Jax got a new cast put on. This one is green and it will be on about 3.5 weeks. Then he will switch to a short cast for a few weeks and hopefully that will be it. 4 casts. 8 weeks later. Camo, blue, green and who knows what's next. I hope red.
I went to O'Connor today and picked up Gary's ashes. I can hardly believe it. I still can't. His body is in a box in my office. 4 separate bags of ashes. Zip tied. In a box. Seriously, in a box. My husband. The person I have been with for 14 years. It just takes my breath away sometimes. It is just so heavy.
So, now we plan the paddle out, the spreading of his ashes at sea, and taking a portion of them to the top of Summit. I think we will take some to Green Valley as well. The kids have definite ideas of what they want to do with them.
Jax signed his new cast tonight with a Sharpie. He put "DAD" across the top. He said he wants to save the cast because it has Gary's name on it. The boys all looked at the ashes and each had a different facial expression and comment. The have looked several times. Is that really Dad? "He is heavy." "Did the fire do this to him?" So on........... So interesting how inquisitive they are. I love that they make comments and ask questions. It is so healthy for them to process though this openly with me.
Well, Dr.Hinsley called tonight, Nothing is physically wrong with Hobie. His labs are all good and he is depressed and sad. No doggie downers. Let's see how he reacts to the new puppy. She/He should be here at the end of February or beginning of March. The boys are so excited. I am but I know how much work lies ahead for me.
Countdown to the dumpster! Tomorrow morning!! I am going to clean house!!
My parents got a generator from Dieta and Stuart. They drove it up from Nashville (3.5 hour drive) and they now have heat, a lamp and a tv. The heater is the most important as it was only 40 degrees in their house today. They were getting ready to move on out for a while. The incredible weight of the ice has paralyzed the city of Louisville and over 200,000 people are without power. Thank God for Dieta and Stuart and their generator.
I have been thinking about Dr. Barth a lot lately. He took such good care of Gary and I am so thankful that he cared for Gary. We were very blessed. So many of Gary's doctors were so wonderful. Dr. Fee and Dr. Ashkenaze and Dr. Phan and Dr. Gluzman and so many more. So grateful to all of them.
I am going to bed. I really need a good night sleep.
Lots of prayers and love for everyone.
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Reality
ASSURANCE for the day for all of you:
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalitites nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Gary gets to experience Christ right here and right now. That is an amazing thing.
UPDATE
Both Gary's parents and my parents are weathering a MAJOR winter storm. My parents have no power, no heat and they are not able to drive in the ice. They are huddled under the covers and are cooking on a Coleman stove with propane. I know Gary's folks are probably in the same boat. I feel a tad bit guilty enjoying the 70 degree weather we are having!
Reality sets in - in a new way every day - for me.
Every corner I turn I am reminded that Gary is dead. I no longer have a husband. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am a single mother of three small boys who solely depend on me for everything. I have to re-do my life insurance and put together a Living Trust. I go to the gym - I am alone. I go to the grocery - I am alone. I fill out paperwork - still alone. I get into bed at night - really alone. No more conversations with Gary about our days or the kids or laughing about so many things. I guess I could laugh alone but people might think there is something wrong with me. (Hey now. No snickers.) :)
I got the Death Certificates in the mail today. I also FINALLY got the call that Gary's remains are ready to pick up. I will do that when the kids are at school tomorrow. I know I am still in shock. Numb most days. Sometimes it really hits me and I am overwhelmingly sad. Other times I can go about my business with relative ease and not think about my life. I miss him so much and I just wish we had more time together on earth.
Hobie is okay physically we think. I am waiting for the results fo the bloodwork tomorrow but both the Vet and I think they will be normal. Hobie has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The vet does not see many cases like Hobie but he has. I am not going to put him on doggie downers. He needs time just like the rest of us. I feel really bad for him because I can't talk to him. Our actions will be what helps him through this. He loved Gary so much and he was always with him. We will all be patient and loving with him.
I have my Facebook up and running. So many of you have a Facebook account. It should be fun trying to manage that.
I have a dumpster being delivered Friday. I can't wait to PITCH DITCH DUMP and TRASH so much junk that has been around this house for so long!!! I am more excited about that than anything else!
Off to the Apple store.
Love to you all,
L
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalitites nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Gary gets to experience Christ right here and right now. That is an amazing thing.
UPDATE
Both Gary's parents and my parents are weathering a MAJOR winter storm. My parents have no power, no heat and they are not able to drive in the ice. They are huddled under the covers and are cooking on a Coleman stove with propane. I know Gary's folks are probably in the same boat. I feel a tad bit guilty enjoying the 70 degree weather we are having!
Reality sets in - in a new way every day - for me.
Every corner I turn I am reminded that Gary is dead. I no longer have a husband. It is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am a single mother of three small boys who solely depend on me for everything. I have to re-do my life insurance and put together a Living Trust. I go to the gym - I am alone. I go to the grocery - I am alone. I fill out paperwork - still alone. I get into bed at night - really alone. No more conversations with Gary about our days or the kids or laughing about so many things. I guess I could laugh alone but people might think there is something wrong with me. (Hey now. No snickers.) :)
I got the Death Certificates in the mail today. I also FINALLY got the call that Gary's remains are ready to pick up. I will do that when the kids are at school tomorrow. I know I am still in shock. Numb most days. Sometimes it really hits me and I am overwhelmingly sad. Other times I can go about my business with relative ease and not think about my life. I miss him so much and I just wish we had more time together on earth.
Hobie is okay physically we think. I am waiting for the results fo the bloodwork tomorrow but both the Vet and I think they will be normal. Hobie has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The vet does not see many cases like Hobie but he has. I am not going to put him on doggie downers. He needs time just like the rest of us. I feel really bad for him because I can't talk to him. Our actions will be what helps him through this. He loved Gary so much and he was always with him. We will all be patient and loving with him.
I have my Facebook up and running. So many of you have a Facebook account. It should be fun trying to manage that.
I have a dumpster being delivered Friday. I can't wait to PITCH DITCH DUMP and TRASH so much junk that has been around this house for so long!!! I am more excited about that than anything else!
Off to the Apple store.
Love to you all,
L
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday January 27
Good morning.
Many of you have asked about Gary's Dad. I just spoke with both of his parents last night and his Dad seems to be doing okay. His pain is minimal and his spirits seem great. I think they are both pleased with his progress. I pray that he continues to get better and that his pain is always minimal. They will be out here sometime soon to visit.
Hobie is not feeling well and we will be off to the Vet soon. I am not sure what is going on with him. I suspect he swallowed a balloon but that is just a hunch. The kids know he is not feeling well and they are worried about him. I will blog when I get back and give you an update. Maybe he just has a broken heart. We are sitting on the couch in Gary's old room. He sits in here sometimes. This room reminds me so much of Gary.
Well, baseball will be in full swing soon. We have both Nate and Zach's practice schedule and Jax will be placed on a team and be an honorary member until his arm heals. He wants to shag balls and suit up and be a part of a team. I am surprised - pleasantly - and I know the boys will have a great season.
Pray that Hobie is fine. He is one of the great loves of our family.
xoxo
Lisa
Many of you have asked about Gary's Dad. I just spoke with both of his parents last night and his Dad seems to be doing okay. His pain is minimal and his spirits seem great. I think they are both pleased with his progress. I pray that he continues to get better and that his pain is always minimal. They will be out here sometime soon to visit.
Hobie is not feeling well and we will be off to the Vet soon. I am not sure what is going on with him. I suspect he swallowed a balloon but that is just a hunch. The kids know he is not feeling well and they are worried about him. I will blog when I get back and give you an update. Maybe he just has a broken heart. We are sitting on the couch in Gary's old room. He sits in here sometimes. This room reminds me so much of Gary.
Well, baseball will be in full swing soon. We have both Nate and Zach's practice schedule and Jax will be placed on a team and be an honorary member until his arm heals. He wants to shag balls and suit up and be a part of a team. I am surprised - pleasantly - and I know the boys will have a great season.
Pray that Hobie is fine. He is one of the great loves of our family.
xoxo
Lisa
Monday, January 26, 2009
Hanging In
Hi everyone. It is Mnnday night and I am sitting by the fireplace trying to get warm. Dax and Trey are running around after Hobie and the boys are playing with Matt's iPhone. Matt and Zach went for a run and Jen and I are going to the gym again tonight after the boys all go to bed.
The boys went back to school for the first day today. It started out rough as Zach had a panic attack last night followed by a night of vomitting! Most of the night was spent helping him and cleaning up the bathroom! Can he not SEE the toilet???? He threw up all over everything but the toilet. I feel awful for him. He is struggling as all of us are. I think we had a good talk and he seemed to adjust to school towards the end of the day.
Jax and Nate and Zach pulled all of their Christmas and Birthday monies together to purchase the iTouch today. They love to play games on that thing. Let's see how they do sharing!
I forgot how much I loved working out at the gym! I missed it the past few months as Gary grew sicker. It no longer became a priority of mine but now that Gary has died it is a HUGE priority and Gary would be so happy. He knows how much I love going.
I dream about him every night. I had to take down all of his photos and put away everything that reminds me of him for now. It is TOO painful and RAW. It's hard to listen to music or smell his cologne on the boys. I finally got his car back from the shop and Zach was happy to see it in front of the house this afternoon.
We are looking for a female wheaten. I have to be honest - haven't looked that hard. But, the right opportunity will come along and I will seize it. I have so many kennel contacts so I am sure when I get to it things will happen quickly. It will be good for Hobie and that means good for me as I will go back to school full-time in the fall and be working lots at the church. Hobie has always had Gary and this way he will not be alone all the time! He is such a good dog.
Nate and Jax are processing through Gary's death much differently than Zach. They cry and get sad BUT they ask lots of questions every day. Did Daddy like this? What age was Daddy when he did this? So many questions. I am so glad they are talking about it. I am enrolling the boys in an art class that promotes expression of feelings. Even if it benefits one of them it will be worth it.
Pick Up Stix for dinner. Early bedtime for the boys. Gym for me!!!
Thank you all for your continued love and support. We love our family and friends and cherish all of you!!
xoxoxo
Lisa
The boys went back to school for the first day today. It started out rough as Zach had a panic attack last night followed by a night of vomitting! Most of the night was spent helping him and cleaning up the bathroom! Can he not SEE the toilet???? He threw up all over everything but the toilet. I feel awful for him. He is struggling as all of us are. I think we had a good talk and he seemed to adjust to school towards the end of the day.
Jax and Nate and Zach pulled all of their Christmas and Birthday monies together to purchase the iTouch today. They love to play games on that thing. Let's see how they do sharing!
I forgot how much I loved working out at the gym! I missed it the past few months as Gary grew sicker. It no longer became a priority of mine but now that Gary has died it is a HUGE priority and Gary would be so happy. He knows how much I love going.
I dream about him every night. I had to take down all of his photos and put away everything that reminds me of him for now. It is TOO painful and RAW. It's hard to listen to music or smell his cologne on the boys. I finally got his car back from the shop and Zach was happy to see it in front of the house this afternoon.
We are looking for a female wheaten. I have to be honest - haven't looked that hard. But, the right opportunity will come along and I will seize it. I have so many kennel contacts so I am sure when I get to it things will happen quickly. It will be good for Hobie and that means good for me as I will go back to school full-time in the fall and be working lots at the church. Hobie has always had Gary and this way he will not be alone all the time! He is such a good dog.
Nate and Jax are processing through Gary's death much differently than Zach. They cry and get sad BUT they ask lots of questions every day. Did Daddy like this? What age was Daddy when he did this? So many questions. I am so glad they are talking about it. I am enrolling the boys in an art class that promotes expression of feelings. Even if it benefits one of them it will be worth it.
Pick Up Stix for dinner. Early bedtime for the boys. Gym for me!!!
Thank you all for your continued love and support. We love our family and friends and cherish all of you!!
xoxoxo
Lisa
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Surgery Morning
Good Morning.
Jax had a great sleep and we have been delayed about an hour due to an emergent surgery that the doctor had to do this morning.
I have not been sleeping well as most of you might expect. I have been having dreams about Gary and they are all dreams that surround him dying. Yucky ones. Seemingly unexplainable ones. I hate unpleasant dreams.
I think I have been having anxiety attacks and they come on even when I think I am calm. I can usually ride them out and recover quickly with prayer. Whenever I stop and clear my head and pray I allow God to work through me and in me He is the reason I can find my center. I thought I was sick. Short of breath. Heart pounding. Headache. I guess this is what experts call anxiety and I frankly DO NOT WANT IT!
I hate grieving. I don't want to grieve. In my sound mind (I have one more than you think) I know Gary would not want me to grieve for too long. He wants me to be happy and he wants the boys to be happy. Amidst our grief we are happy. We laugh and we have fun together and we are out and about doing things together. No one in this house is hiding out under the covers day in and day out (although we may feel like it sometimes). We are a little worried about Hobie.
Hobie is grieving and he does hide under the coffee table a lot of the day. We are looking into the possibility of getting a puppy for Hobie so that when I go back to school in the fall and as I am gone more he will have a companion. We will contact the breeder we got Hobie from next week. The thought of getting a puppy is less than desirable some moments but the rewards and benefits just might outweigh those dismal thoughts.
Well, pray for Jax this morning. He has asked me 20 questions about the pins going into his arm. I can tell he is anxious and worried and I want to fervently pray that he will be calm.
Love to you all!
L
Jax had a great sleep and we have been delayed about an hour due to an emergent surgery that the doctor had to do this morning.
I have not been sleeping well as most of you might expect. I have been having dreams about Gary and they are all dreams that surround him dying. Yucky ones. Seemingly unexplainable ones. I hate unpleasant dreams.
I think I have been having anxiety attacks and they come on even when I think I am calm. I can usually ride them out and recover quickly with prayer. Whenever I stop and clear my head and pray I allow God to work through me and in me He is the reason I can find my center. I thought I was sick. Short of breath. Heart pounding. Headache. I guess this is what experts call anxiety and I frankly DO NOT WANT IT!
I hate grieving. I don't want to grieve. In my sound mind (I have one more than you think) I know Gary would not want me to grieve for too long. He wants me to be happy and he wants the boys to be happy. Amidst our grief we are happy. We laugh and we have fun together and we are out and about doing things together. No one in this house is hiding out under the covers day in and day out (although we may feel like it sometimes). We are a little worried about Hobie.
Hobie is grieving and he does hide under the coffee table a lot of the day. We are looking into the possibility of getting a puppy for Hobie so that when I go back to school in the fall and as I am gone more he will have a companion. We will contact the breeder we got Hobie from next week. The thought of getting a puppy is less than desirable some moments but the rewards and benefits just might outweigh those dismal thoughts.
Well, pray for Jax this morning. He has asked me 20 questions about the pins going into his arm. I can tell he is anxious and worried and I want to fervently pray that he will be calm.
Love to you all!
L
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
SURGERY
It has been kinda a long week so far. We are not sick but we are not 100% yet. The boys are eating slowly (Nate passed up Ruby’s today and no soda or a milkshake!). He must be sick!!!
Well, I took Jax to the Orthopaedic Surgeon today to get his big cast taken off and to have a short cast put on in its place. We took the cast off and off to xray we went. The moment they removed the cast I knew something was up just by looking at his arm.
So, his arm is not healing correctly and tomorrow morning at 7:45 AM we check in to the Mission Surgery Center so that he can have surgery. The bone needs to be re-broken and pins placed in the arm. He will then have a sling for 10 days and then a full arm cast for 2 weeks and finally the short cast we have been waiting for!
Are you kidding me? Have we not spent enough time in doctors offices and hospitals? How many surgeries can one family go through in a year! Obviously we have not had our fill yet so we will brave yet another storm and forge through it!
Poor Jax. Tears as he shows me how he thinks they are going to put the pins in his arm. He uses his hand as a hammer and hits his cast HARD to show me why he is scared. I wiped away his alligator tears and then I explained everything to him – openly and honestly. I told him it was going to hurt but that I had pain meds to help. I got him calmed down and now he is not stressing. What’s a few pins anyway?
Matt, Jen, Trey and Dax have been staying with us. The boys love to play with our boys and Jen and I are the only chicks in the house! It takes both of us to keep all the boys in line.
Gary’s car is being looked at right now. Something is wrong with the transmission. I have mountains of paperwork and forms to fill out and phone calls to make and more and more and more and it keeps piling up and up and up. Soooooooo much.
Happy Birthday to my Dad. Zach’s birthday is coming up in February and so is my Mom’s. Gary and I would have celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on February 16th. I think I am going to take the boys up to the Griffith Observatory that day and we can ask the observatory to locate Gary’s star so that we can finally see it. We miss him painstakingly.
Little League is in full swing and we had our 1st snack bar meeting the other night. Some of the girls pitched in and gave me a silver heart Tiffany necklace! So beautiful and I am taking it to get all of our initials engraved on the back! Nothing like something from Tiffany to cheer a girl up!! XOXO
Off to Big Bear right after surgery. Jen will stick around and Matt is going to help me with the boys. Chuck and Jeanne are keeping their eyes on our house and Hobie is going to be with Ace for a few days. Hobie is seriously depressed. He loved Gary so much.
God covers us and we continue to put our faith and trust in Him. He is the reason we are going to be okay!
All our love! Pray for no more broken bones while skiing and snowboarding!
Xoxoxo
L
Well, I took Jax to the Orthopaedic Surgeon today to get his big cast taken off and to have a short cast put on in its place. We took the cast off and off to xray we went. The moment they removed the cast I knew something was up just by looking at his arm.
So, his arm is not healing correctly and tomorrow morning at 7:45 AM we check in to the Mission Surgery Center so that he can have surgery. The bone needs to be re-broken and pins placed in the arm. He will then have a sling for 10 days and then a full arm cast for 2 weeks and finally the short cast we have been waiting for!
Are you kidding me? Have we not spent enough time in doctors offices and hospitals? How many surgeries can one family go through in a year! Obviously we have not had our fill yet so we will brave yet another storm and forge through it!
Poor Jax. Tears as he shows me how he thinks they are going to put the pins in his arm. He uses his hand as a hammer and hits his cast HARD to show me why he is scared. I wiped away his alligator tears and then I explained everything to him – openly and honestly. I told him it was going to hurt but that I had pain meds to help. I got him calmed down and now he is not stressing. What’s a few pins anyway?
Matt, Jen, Trey and Dax have been staying with us. The boys love to play with our boys and Jen and I are the only chicks in the house! It takes both of us to keep all the boys in line.
Gary’s car is being looked at right now. Something is wrong with the transmission. I have mountains of paperwork and forms to fill out and phone calls to make and more and more and more and it keeps piling up and up and up. Soooooooo much.
Happy Birthday to my Dad. Zach’s birthday is coming up in February and so is my Mom’s. Gary and I would have celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on February 16th. I think I am going to take the boys up to the Griffith Observatory that day and we can ask the observatory to locate Gary’s star so that we can finally see it. We miss him painstakingly.
Little League is in full swing and we had our 1st snack bar meeting the other night. Some of the girls pitched in and gave me a silver heart Tiffany necklace! So beautiful and I am taking it to get all of our initials engraved on the back! Nothing like something from Tiffany to cheer a girl up!! XOXO
Off to Big Bear right after surgery. Jen will stick around and Matt is going to help me with the boys. Chuck and Jeanne are keeping their eyes on our house and Hobie is going to be with Ace for a few days. Hobie is seriously depressed. He loved Gary so much.
God covers us and we continue to put our faith and trust in Him. He is the reason we are going to be okay!
All our love! Pray for no more broken bones while skiing and snowboarding!
Xoxoxo
L
Monday, January 19, 2009
I'm Still Here
I am still here and will continue to blog as long as you all are willing to continue on this journey with us. I am sorry this is so delayed. I have not had internet and finally I am up and running. We have been in bed with stomach flu for days and Jax is the only one who escaped it - so far.
I am overwhelmed right now. To be completely honest with you I am more than sad and having a difficult time. I do not have time to go into too much detail but the past week and a half has turned our lives upside down. Leading up to Gary's death was painful and confusing to say the least. Watching him die was awful. Watching our kids sob was just as awful. Hobie freaked out when the mortuary came to get Gary. Trying to get Zach off of Gary's body was gut wrenching. I could tell you so much more but I think I have writers block for the first time ever. There is so much I have to tell you but I am having a hard time trying to figure out just how to tell you.
I want to tell you that we are going to be okay. The grace of God is sufficient and He will carry us through. While I am more than sad for the boys and for me I am equally as happy for Gary because he is with Jesus and is no longer suffering. The Shack paints such a wonderful picture of heaven and that book changed my life and the way I view the world. You should all read it sometime.
Sit down. Buckle up. Hold on. This is Going to be one bumpy ride and I hope you are all going to journey with us. We rose and now we have fallen BUT we will get back up and I want you all to be with us while we struggle to do so.
I have to get some rest. I have been sick (serious stress and some stomach flu I think) BUT I do have a big day of cleaning and appointments and such. The boys are going to go to school and see how they do.
Please pray for the boys. Everything is "a first" for them. First time going to school without a Dad. First time going to the beach without a Dad. So on..................Even though they know Gary is always with them he is NOT PHYSICALLY with them and that is so painful and difficult.
Pray for me. Everything is so hard for me right now. Getting up. Driving alone. Everything because I am without my best friend. I need strength and peace. I filled out a form that asked for spousal information and I just broke down. The realization that I am alone is surreal.
Off to bed. I promise to write regularly.
Love to you all and thank you for your love!
L
I am overwhelmed right now. To be completely honest with you I am more than sad and having a difficult time. I do not have time to go into too much detail but the past week and a half has turned our lives upside down. Leading up to Gary's death was painful and confusing to say the least. Watching him die was awful. Watching our kids sob was just as awful. Hobie freaked out when the mortuary came to get Gary. Trying to get Zach off of Gary's body was gut wrenching. I could tell you so much more but I think I have writers block for the first time ever. There is so much I have to tell you but I am having a hard time trying to figure out just how to tell you.
I want to tell you that we are going to be okay. The grace of God is sufficient and He will carry us through. While I am more than sad for the boys and for me I am equally as happy for Gary because he is with Jesus and is no longer suffering. The Shack paints such a wonderful picture of heaven and that book changed my life and the way I view the world. You should all read it sometime.
Sit down. Buckle up. Hold on. This is Going to be one bumpy ride and I hope you are all going to journey with us. We rose and now we have fallen BUT we will get back up and I want you all to be with us while we struggle to do so.
I have to get some rest. I have been sick (serious stress and some stomach flu I think) BUT I do have a big day of cleaning and appointments and such. The boys are going to go to school and see how they do.
Please pray for the boys. Everything is "a first" for them. First time going to school without a Dad. First time going to the beach without a Dad. So on..................Even though they know Gary is always with them he is NOT PHYSICALLY with them and that is so painful and difficult.
Pray for me. Everything is so hard for me right now. Getting up. Driving alone. Everything because I am without my best friend. I need strength and peace. I filled out a form that asked for spousal information and I just broke down. The realization that I am alone is surreal.
Off to bed. I promise to write regularly.
Love to you all and thank you for your love!
L
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)