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I love Gary beyond love. I have loved him for 14 years and the past 14 years have been the best years of my life. We have been beyond blessed with our life and our friends and our family and our 3 precious sons.
When I sit here and watch Gary struggle to feed himself as he shakes or as he tries to grab the remote it rips at my heart and I well up with such emotion. Have any of you tried to call my house and talk to Gary? You probably couldn't talk to him right now because his voice is so incredibly weak. I gave him a shower today and just that was enough to completely drain him. It is so awful watching him day after day as he fights and struggles. I have to leave the room and just go away and cry sometimes. I am sure he knows how upset I get but he doesn't need to see it.
There is a HUGE part of me that wonders sometimes if he is dying slowly. It pains my heart to just write that. Then I wonder if the toll of the chemo, radiation and sheer physical pain is just compromising his system right now. I have heard of cancer patients that are brought to the brink of death in order to fight their way back up. My hope and prayer is the latter of the two scenarios.
Tomorrow is an important day for Gary. He is having the procedure to place the trial run of the pain pump in his spine to see if it will give him permanent relief. We are all hoping and praying that this will help him tremendously. Then, we will see Dr. Barth and I have no idea if he will start round 2 of the chemo tomorrow. Gary is due to have it so we will see.
Here is the reality (at least tonight's reality) - In my heart I know that Gary's body can't take much more pain. I am the only one who sees him day in and day out and knows what he faces each day when he wakes. Once again tears because it is so painful for me to watch. And yet again the man NEVER complains - EVER! He knows that when he wakes up every single morning he is going to face yet another day of uncontrollable pain. I am utterly in awe of his humbleness and selflessness. He is truly a hero in every single sense of the word and I admire his beyond admiration.
I think the boys are having such a hard time because Gary looks so different and he is so focused on fighting his sciatic pain that he rarely interacts with them. He has been extremely quiet as of late and that is hard on all of us because we want him to engage so badly.
Please know that I am fine. Once again I needed to share some raw emotions I have been struggling with and I feel like this is the forum in which I can be completely candid without facing judgement. I don't need advice on how to handle things. I am very resourceful and I know where to turn to and exactly who to turn to if I am struggling to the point where I can't help myself, Gary or the boys.
Please just pray for our family. We love all of you and we really love that you are all praying for us!
I have to get the boys to bed now so I must go.
I hope you all have a beautiful evening and remember to laugh and find the joy in everything!
Love, Lisa
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Just a hunch
Thunder and Lightning and rain! What a wild weather day! It was cold in the mornig and blazing hot again in the afternoon.
Well, I was wrong. Gary is most definitely not anemic this time. His hemoglobin is holding tight and all of his counts look good. His blood pressure is very low and I think Dr. Barth feels that this low pressure is a direct result of the amount of pain medication Gary is currently taking.
The key is to get him off of all of the pain meds and the way we will try to do that is to have the trial run of the pain block done. If that works then he will have the out patient procedure done to implant the device that regulates the electric stimulus in the spine.
After talking with Dr. Arata today we did find out that the sciatic is not being compressed by a tumor. So, I think it is still a mystery of whether it is radiation damage or just plain inactivity for such a lengthy period of time. Maybe we will eventually know but I will not hold my breath.
Gary and I just love the people we meet in the office. Our little friend Donna is one of the most amazingly brave people I have ever known besides Gary. She has breast cancer at 44 and it has spread to her bones,lungs, brain and liver. EVERY single time I see her she is smiling! She and her Dad are in the office every day getting hydrated and moving forward with treatment. Her husband runs their business so her Dad gets the privilege of taking care of her. We love sitting with them and talking.
It is picture day at school tomorrow so I must go and iron the kids shirts. There are also a pile of dishes and about 3 loads of laundry to get done as well. Kathy is having my house cleaned for me tomorrow (God Bless her!) and those of you who have ever had your house cleaned know that you have to "clean" before they come to clean. It sounds ridiculous but it is true. The kind people who come also change my sheets and make the beds! I am so excited!
I hope you all have a great evening and pray that Gary has a restful night.
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
Well, I was wrong. Gary is most definitely not anemic this time. His hemoglobin is holding tight and all of his counts look good. His blood pressure is very low and I think Dr. Barth feels that this low pressure is a direct result of the amount of pain medication Gary is currently taking.
The key is to get him off of all of the pain meds and the way we will try to do that is to have the trial run of the pain block done. If that works then he will have the out patient procedure done to implant the device that regulates the electric stimulus in the spine.
After talking with Dr. Arata today we did find out that the sciatic is not being compressed by a tumor. So, I think it is still a mystery of whether it is radiation damage or just plain inactivity for such a lengthy period of time. Maybe we will eventually know but I will not hold my breath.
Gary and I just love the people we meet in the office. Our little friend Donna is one of the most amazingly brave people I have ever known besides Gary. She has breast cancer at 44 and it has spread to her bones,lungs, brain and liver. EVERY single time I see her she is smiling! She and her Dad are in the office every day getting hydrated and moving forward with treatment. Her husband runs their business so her Dad gets the privilege of taking care of her. We love sitting with them and talking.
It is picture day at school tomorrow so I must go and iron the kids shirts. There are also a pile of dishes and about 3 loads of laundry to get done as well. Kathy is having my house cleaned for me tomorrow (God Bless her!) and those of you who have ever had your house cleaned know that you have to "clean" before they come to clean. It sounds ridiculous but it is true. The kind people who come also change my sheets and make the beds! I am so excited!
I hope you all have a great evening and pray that Gary has a restful night.
Love and Hugs,
Lisa
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Long, Hard Weekend
It is so great having Gary home from the aspect of not having to drive back and forth to Hoag everyday. I know he is much more comfortable here and the boys need to be with him more often. It is much easier for me to take care of him and to be able to get work done both for the church and at my house. I love having him back in our home.
However, it has been a little bit of an emotional transition for all of us. I told you that Gary feels guilty that he is not able to help. The boys are having a difficult time with their emotions and I know they are confused and a little bit scared. They have all had a little bit of separation anxiety as of late. As far as I am concerned I am really tired. Not physically tired but emotionally tired. Seeing Gary so sick all of the time gets to me. If you have not seen Gary in a few weeks you would probably be a little taken back by his appearence. Cancer does awful things to your body. Gary is painfully thin and his face has narrowed significantly. His eyes are sunken in and he has very dark circles under them. He lays in bed very still most of the time and struggles to lift his arms and legs. He has no energy and tires just thinking about doing anything more than being in bed.
Now, could this change? I really hope so. Gary's blood pressure has been very low and I have a sneaking suspicion that Gary is severly anemic. I thought he was dehydrated so I filled him full of fluid through his G-tube to see if is made a difference and it did not. So after doing a little research I think everything points to the need for a blood transfusion. We will see tomorrow after our visit at Dr. Barth's office.
Home Group came over tonight and we had a great dinner - flank steak, salad, bread, terriaki chicken, appetizers, margaritas, mac&cheese and dessert to top it all off! We always have a great time together but the best part of the evening was when everyone gathered around Gary and prayed over him. Gary has needed that for so long and our group is super wonderful!
Our neighbor Bette is not feeling well and her body is basically being invaded by cancer. It is all over her body and in her bones. I would love for everyone to keep praying for her and for the people that have come around her. She is a special lady and still from her hospital bed is barking orders and feistier than ever!
Nights in the Sallee house are long and I need sleep so I had better go now and sleep while I can. After all, I am Tivoing all my NEW shows! Fall TV is great!
Keep the prayers coming and hopefully we will have some concrete things to pray for this week. He is still in awful pain and we can continue to pray for the pain to subside.
Have a great Monday!!
Love, Lisa
However, it has been a little bit of an emotional transition for all of us. I told you that Gary feels guilty that he is not able to help. The boys are having a difficult time with their emotions and I know they are confused and a little bit scared. They have all had a little bit of separation anxiety as of late. As far as I am concerned I am really tired. Not physically tired but emotionally tired. Seeing Gary so sick all of the time gets to me. If you have not seen Gary in a few weeks you would probably be a little taken back by his appearence. Cancer does awful things to your body. Gary is painfully thin and his face has narrowed significantly. His eyes are sunken in and he has very dark circles under them. He lays in bed very still most of the time and struggles to lift his arms and legs. He has no energy and tires just thinking about doing anything more than being in bed.
Now, could this change? I really hope so. Gary's blood pressure has been very low and I have a sneaking suspicion that Gary is severly anemic. I thought he was dehydrated so I filled him full of fluid through his G-tube to see if is made a difference and it did not. So after doing a little research I think everything points to the need for a blood transfusion. We will see tomorrow after our visit at Dr. Barth's office.
Home Group came over tonight and we had a great dinner - flank steak, salad, bread, terriaki chicken, appetizers, margaritas, mac&cheese and dessert to top it all off! We always have a great time together but the best part of the evening was when everyone gathered around Gary and prayed over him. Gary has needed that for so long and our group is super wonderful!
Our neighbor Bette is not feeling well and her body is basically being invaded by cancer. It is all over her body and in her bones. I would love for everyone to keep praying for her and for the people that have come around her. She is a special lady and still from her hospital bed is barking orders and feistier than ever!
Nights in the Sallee house are long and I need sleep so I had better go now and sleep while I can. After all, I am Tivoing all my NEW shows! Fall TV is great!
Keep the prayers coming and hopefully we will have some concrete things to pray for this week. He is still in awful pain and we can continue to pray for the pain to subside.
Have a great Monday!!
Love, Lisa
Saturday, September 27, 2008
September 27 Saturday
Good Morning.
Sadly, my Mom left this morning early. The kids just love her so much! She has so much fun with them. She will be back hopefully in a few weeks to continue helping me with the boys and Gary.
Everything is going a little more smoothly. Home Health Care Companies are sometimes very difficult to work with. One company takes care of one thing and another comapny takes care of another and so on. Trying to figure out who to call for what can be challenging.
I think I have the system figured out and I have organized all of our supplies and equipment. That was half the battle and now I feel very comfortable and have almost established a routine of sorts. If I could have a day where I did not have to go to the pharmacy that would be great.
Gary was in so much pain yesterday. I got a hold of Dr. Gluzman (pain doc) and we changed some things around. He prescribed more fentynl and then I picked up valium and xanax for him as well. The combination of the new strength of fentynl and the valium/xanax knocked Gary right out last night! He slept until midnight when he woke up in severe pain again. I think I will just have to keep him somewhat sedated the rest of the weekend until we can get him to Dr. Arata and see what steps we can take to permanently block this pain.
The cause of the sciatic pain is speculative at best. Is there a tumor compressing the nerve? Is it lack of movement for such a long period of time? I am not sure and I do not have a concrete answer. I am hoping to get a definitive answer next week at the latest.
Gary is trying to eat and it will take all of his energy but he is going to take a regular shower today. I think he will feel a little better. IAt least I am hoping he will.
It is a down day for our family today. I have things to get ready for work and I have to clean this messy house! Everything is picked up but I am a clean nut and I need to feed my inner nut and get to work!
We love all of you and once again thank you for your love and support. Keep the prayers coming and think happy and positive thoughts and please send them our way! We LOVE happy!
Have a blessed Saturday - whatever you are doing.
In His Grip,
Lisa
Sadly, my Mom left this morning early. The kids just love her so much! She has so much fun with them. She will be back hopefully in a few weeks to continue helping me with the boys and Gary.
Everything is going a little more smoothly. Home Health Care Companies are sometimes very difficult to work with. One company takes care of one thing and another comapny takes care of another and so on. Trying to figure out who to call for what can be challenging.
I think I have the system figured out and I have organized all of our supplies and equipment. That was half the battle and now I feel very comfortable and have almost established a routine of sorts. If I could have a day where I did not have to go to the pharmacy that would be great.
Gary was in so much pain yesterday. I got a hold of Dr. Gluzman (pain doc) and we changed some things around. He prescribed more fentynl and then I picked up valium and xanax for him as well. The combination of the new strength of fentynl and the valium/xanax knocked Gary right out last night! He slept until midnight when he woke up in severe pain again. I think I will just have to keep him somewhat sedated the rest of the weekend until we can get him to Dr. Arata and see what steps we can take to permanently block this pain.
The cause of the sciatic pain is speculative at best. Is there a tumor compressing the nerve? Is it lack of movement for such a long period of time? I am not sure and I do not have a concrete answer. I am hoping to get a definitive answer next week at the latest.
Gary is trying to eat and it will take all of his energy but he is going to take a regular shower today. I think he will feel a little better. IAt least I am hoping he will.
It is a down day for our family today. I have things to get ready for work and I have to clean this messy house! Everything is picked up but I am a clean nut and I need to feed my inner nut and get to work!
We love all of you and once again thank you for your love and support. Keep the prayers coming and think happy and positive thoughts and please send them our way! We LOVE happy!
Have a blessed Saturday - whatever you are doing.
In His Grip,
Lisa
Thursday, September 25, 2008
1st FULL DAY AT HOME
We will start out this entry with random "drug haze" thoughts from the patient himself. Here goes.........
Lisa: Gary, What do you have to say?
Gary: The only thought I have is that it is good to be home. It is not perfect (we all know he is not talking about me when he says that!). I can't thank everyone enough for helping Lisa and our family to get us through this hard time.
...........................time elapsed.......................no other thoughts and a deep stare has developed. In fairness to Gary I just gave him about 9 pills and a fairly strong pain med. We are watching the tail end of Greys Anatomy. I missed the first 45 minutes of it but low and behold I have Tivo!!!
Today was a very long day. This is a learning curve for both of us. Gary's first day home was filled with mixed blessings. The trueness of Gary's character always shows through even during this time. He was upset today and I asked him what was wrong and he said he was happy to be home but he was very sad and upset that he can only lay in bed while he watches me run around in 50 directions to take care of everything. Once again he is thinking about me and the boys. He feels useless and I totally understand that.
Thank the good Lord he is not a control freak or he would really be in trouble emotionally. He has truely given it up and given it to God and we fight and wait and gain strength for whatever the Lord has planned for our lives. I told him that if he were at work I would still be doing most of this stuff BUT he would never know because he wouldn't be home! So there!!!!!
Gary looks good. He is bald and I have threatened to bronze that head if he does not sit out in the sun a little. He has lost about 20 pounds and his muscles have atrophed significantly. His hair will grow back and he will eventually get more muscular. He just has to do those three little things that we have been talking about - EAT, WALK and TALK. Talking has not seemed to be a problem for him. He has been fairly social when people have stopped by. He has not had many visitors but today that was probably for the best.
Bonnie is going to come over so that we can put Gary into my car in the morning. The wheelchair that was delivered was wrong - BIG and HEAVY. I need the lightweight one and that will not be delivered until tomorrow afternoon. Gary also needs a bed extender because his feet are at the bottom of the bed.
My Mom is leaving Saturday for a few weeks. It is so incredible having her here. The boys adore her and I know they light her life up! Just having her in the house has been such a relief during this time. We will miss her terribly. She is wonderful!
The boys swam after school today. What's up with the 98 degree weather? It was awfully hot today. I hope it cools down a little bit tomorrow and through the weekend.
I have so many of the world's greatest girlfriends! Everyone should be so lucky. I feel so incredibly blessed by their friendships. I never had a sister and never thought I would have such great friendships. Once again, God keeps on pouring out the blessings.
We will be at Dr.Barth's office tomorrow from about 9:30 until 2:00 PM. It will take about 1/2 that time to load Gary into the car!!! HaHa. I can get away with saying that because he does not read my blog. Even so, I would say it to his face probably! I have no idea what we are going to do at this appt. but I know he is due for chemo and I am hoping we can wait until Monday.
God is good and God has a plan. We are looking to the future to see what God has in store for our family. Please keep us in your prayers like you always do. Pray for Gary's speedy recovery and strength. Pray for his peace of mind. Pray for healing and a solution for his sciatic pain in his left leg. BUT, before you pray and ask these things of God remember to thank Him for all the wonders and beauty of the world and for the poeple like you that are in it!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any typos in this blog. Too tired for spell check tonight. :)
Love and Smiles,
L & G (he only gets his initial if he has input and that he did tonight! )
Lisa: Gary, What do you have to say?
Gary: The only thought I have is that it is good to be home. It is not perfect (we all know he is not talking about me when he says that!). I can't thank everyone enough for helping Lisa and our family to get us through this hard time.
...........................time elapsed.......................no other thoughts and a deep stare has developed. In fairness to Gary I just gave him about 9 pills and a fairly strong pain med. We are watching the tail end of Greys Anatomy. I missed the first 45 minutes of it but low and behold I have Tivo!!!
Today was a very long day. This is a learning curve for both of us. Gary's first day home was filled with mixed blessings. The trueness of Gary's character always shows through even during this time. He was upset today and I asked him what was wrong and he said he was happy to be home but he was very sad and upset that he can only lay in bed while he watches me run around in 50 directions to take care of everything. Once again he is thinking about me and the boys. He feels useless and I totally understand that.
Thank the good Lord he is not a control freak or he would really be in trouble emotionally. He has truely given it up and given it to God and we fight and wait and gain strength for whatever the Lord has planned for our lives. I told him that if he were at work I would still be doing most of this stuff BUT he would never know because he wouldn't be home! So there!!!!!
Gary looks good. He is bald and I have threatened to bronze that head if he does not sit out in the sun a little. He has lost about 20 pounds and his muscles have atrophed significantly. His hair will grow back and he will eventually get more muscular. He just has to do those three little things that we have been talking about - EAT, WALK and TALK. Talking has not seemed to be a problem for him. He has been fairly social when people have stopped by. He has not had many visitors but today that was probably for the best.
Bonnie is going to come over so that we can put Gary into my car in the morning. The wheelchair that was delivered was wrong - BIG and HEAVY. I need the lightweight one and that will not be delivered until tomorrow afternoon. Gary also needs a bed extender because his feet are at the bottom of the bed.
My Mom is leaving Saturday for a few weeks. It is so incredible having her here. The boys adore her and I know they light her life up! Just having her in the house has been such a relief during this time. We will miss her terribly. She is wonderful!
The boys swam after school today. What's up with the 98 degree weather? It was awfully hot today. I hope it cools down a little bit tomorrow and through the weekend.
I have so many of the world's greatest girlfriends! Everyone should be so lucky. I feel so incredibly blessed by their friendships. I never had a sister and never thought I would have such great friendships. Once again, God keeps on pouring out the blessings.
We will be at Dr.Barth's office tomorrow from about 9:30 until 2:00 PM. It will take about 1/2 that time to load Gary into the car!!! HaHa. I can get away with saying that because he does not read my blog. Even so, I would say it to his face probably! I have no idea what we are going to do at this appt. but I know he is due for chemo and I am hoping we can wait until Monday.
God is good and God has a plan. We are looking to the future to see what God has in store for our family. Please keep us in your prayers like you always do. Pray for Gary's speedy recovery and strength. Pray for his peace of mind. Pray for healing and a solution for his sciatic pain in his left leg. BUT, before you pray and ask these things of God remember to thank Him for all the wonders and beauty of the world and for the poeple like you that are in it!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any typos in this blog. Too tired for spell check tonight. :)
Love and Smiles,
L & G (he only gets his initial if he has input and that he did tonight! )
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Home Sweet Home
It is official! Our entire family is home together for the first time in a long time!
I finally got Gary home around 5:30 today and the home health care nurse left about 1/2 hour ago. I can't believe how much stuff needs to be done every day - different hours and different meds - some IV and some not. This tube and that tube and cleaning and draining and sterilizing and flushing and wound care..............................
Thank God I am not only a quick study but I also watched and learned and was taught everything I know. Thanks to the Hoag nurses and to Gentiva nurse Melissa I should be set!
I think Gary's pain meds are set to high on his pump so I will address that tomorrow. He has been asleep since 5:30 and seems to be fairly "snowed".
I am tired and need some sleep. I missed my staff meeting today and a board meeeting tonight and I feel really bad about both. Believe me when I tell you that I would much rather be at my staff meet and board meet than trying to learn how to manage my husbands cancer issues and care.
We are set up in the downstairs bedroom and that is my new home until I can find some walkie talkies or baby monitors to borrow. Then, I can sleep in my own bed and not on the couch!
Off to slumber hopefully. 6 AM comes way too early!
Love to all,
L
I finally got Gary home around 5:30 today and the home health care nurse left about 1/2 hour ago. I can't believe how much stuff needs to be done every day - different hours and different meds - some IV and some not. This tube and that tube and cleaning and draining and sterilizing and flushing and wound care..............................
Thank God I am not only a quick study but I also watched and learned and was taught everything I know. Thanks to the Hoag nurses and to Gentiva nurse Melissa I should be set!
I think Gary's pain meds are set to high on his pump so I will address that tomorrow. He has been asleep since 5:30 and seems to be fairly "snowed".
I am tired and need some sleep. I missed my staff meeting today and a board meeeting tonight and I feel really bad about both. Believe me when I tell you that I would much rather be at my staff meet and board meet than trying to learn how to manage my husbands cancer issues and care.
We are set up in the downstairs bedroom and that is my new home until I can find some walkie talkies or baby monitors to borrow. Then, I can sleep in my own bed and not on the couch!
Off to slumber hopefully. 6 AM comes way too early!
Love to all,
L
THE BEST WEDNESDAY EVER!
Guess what?
Drum roll please.......................................
Gary is coming home today! Home Health Care delivered his temporary hospital bed and wheel chair last night and my Mom bought sheets and Bonnie and Wendy bought all the supplies we will need and we are ready to rock!
I imagine he will be home around 3 PM and I have to get to the pharmacy to get all of his prescriptions. I can't believe he is coming home!
You can't imagine how thankful we are to the staff at Hoag - all the nurses and assistants and doctors and interventional radiology. They were so wonderful to our family and we are grateful! Gary has come a VERY FAR WAY in 6 weeks. He is such a fighter and will actually walk by himself into the house today! To think that 6 weeks ago we were possibly facing the hospice option! NO WAY! God had other plans!
I have to go to Target and Walmart to get last minute things for Gary and then I will head up to get him situated and ready to get home!
I will blog more later. It is hard in the morning hours when I am getting the kids ready for school. Pray for a smooth transition for all of us as Gary comes back to be with his family!
Love to all,
L
Drum roll please.......................................
Gary is coming home today! Home Health Care delivered his temporary hospital bed and wheel chair last night and my Mom bought sheets and Bonnie and Wendy bought all the supplies we will need and we are ready to rock!
I imagine he will be home around 3 PM and I have to get to the pharmacy to get all of his prescriptions. I can't believe he is coming home!
You can't imagine how thankful we are to the staff at Hoag - all the nurses and assistants and doctors and interventional radiology. They were so wonderful to our family and we are grateful! Gary has come a VERY FAR WAY in 6 weeks. He is such a fighter and will actually walk by himself into the house today! To think that 6 weeks ago we were possibly facing the hospice option! NO WAY! God had other plans!
I have to go to Target and Walmart to get last minute things for Gary and then I will head up to get him situated and ready to get home!
I will blog more later. It is hard in the morning hours when I am getting the kids ready for school. Pray for a smooth transition for all of us as Gary comes back to be with his family!
Love to all,
L
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