NEWS Early Friday Morning Feb. 1, 2008

My server has been down for the past 30 hours and I have been unable to communicate via the blog. I just posted a late night posting from Wednesday and this is the follow up.

I am going to pour my heart our right now because at this particular moment I am so overcome with saddness and I have no one to talk to because Gary is not here. Gary is truly my best friend and we share everything. I will share my sadness and frustration and anger and hope and love and faith and prayers with you as I am not able to share these thoughts and feeling with Gary quite yet.

I am laying in our bed for the 2nd night in a row and I am crying because the thought of Gary in an uncomfortable hospital bed in agonizing pain while I sit here under my electric blanket in our warm home is almost unbearable tonight. I feel insanely guilty right now. I thought about not writing because I try to always be in the right frame of mind before I post but I feel like sharing my thoughts and the news I got tonight at 10 PM.

Dr. Barth tells me that it is my job to be positive and to help Gary be positive.

I will ask any of you who visit him or call him or go to pray with him not to dwell on the following information as he has been extremely groggy and probably does not know most of what I am telling you yet. Our job is to keep Gary as positive as possible and some of this information might not be super helpful for him to know right now.

Dr. Barth called tonight. I am sick to my stomach. He told me that after looking extensively at Gary's records and test results that he could not believe that our doctors had overlooked this cancer Gary now has. He told me that just by looking at Gary's tests he has been having done since October he can tell that his cancer has been present since at least October. How in the hell can all of these doctors miss this????? You would think that Gary and I were a bunch of yahoos that dwelled in a cave and came out into the light to repeatedly abuse ourselves by choosing doctors who will not give us the best care. OMG. This cancer has been growing and growing and spreading and spreading right under their noses ALL THIS TIME! I keep telling myself that this can't be happening to our family.

Gary's metastasis is much worse than Dr. Barth thought last week. Just the tone in his voice made me uneasy as he spoke. He can't even count the number of tumors Gary has because there are so many. He has extensive bone damage to his pelvis and they fear fractures because he is so inactive and his pain is so great that the longer he sits around the worse it will get. Tomorrow they will start radiation to try to control his pain. They have given him drugs to help strengthen his bones. They have started him on Heparin to stop clots from forming in his legs (he does not have any yet). They have not been successful in controlling his pain and will continue to work on that as well. They also have him scheduled to PT to get him stronger.
Dr. Barth is calling the shots. I can't second guess him at this time because Gary and I both truly believe that he is the best and will do everything in his medical power to help Gary. Besides, we do not have the luxury of time to be going around collecting different opinions. I have researched Dr. Barth and we had 16 people recommend him to us.

Gary could be in the hospital for about 2 weeks as of now. He is going to absolutely FLIP when I break this news to him tomorrow. I think we will tell him that we are unsure (cause we are) as to how long he will be at Hoag but I anticipate at least a week. The kids are going to be scared and I am beyond sad right now and am trying to get to the place where I can be at the hospital day after day and be super positive and supportive. I will get to that place as soon as I am done writing. I will stop crying and I will reconnect with my logical self. You don't need to worry about me. I want everyone to focus on Gary. SEND POSITIVE THOUGHTS................keep them coming.

Writing is great therapy. You can think outloud and write everything down and work through your thoughts and feelings as you reread what you have written. I save money wherever I go. Look, I don't need a therapist now at $150.00 per hour. I can make you all listen to me via these long boring blogs for FREE!

So I NEED YOUR HELP AND SO DOES GARY.
I would love for Gary to be inundated with cards over the next 2 weeks. When he was at UCI for 9 days his hospital room was covered in photos and posters and happiness that our friends and kids had made for him. This time I would love to have baskets of cards for him with loads of encouragement. If you could possibly help by sending a card to him I would greatly appreciate it. I just looked up the Hoag website to see if you could send the cards there but it looks as if you will need to send them to another address.
You can send the cards to my church office address.

Mountain View Church
C/OLisa Sallee
PO BOX 2058
Mission Viejo, Ca. 92690

So, I have stopped crying. I am going to get a good night's sleep and pray that God will hold my saddness at bay so that I can do what Gary needs me to do for him.

Friends and Family I want you to know that this blog was not intended to be discouraging in any way. I am raw right now and I know you are all waiting and reading and trying to get as much information as you possibly can. Gary and I want to be able to get you accurate information as soon as we receive it.

We did get one piece of somewhat positive news today. The cancer has not spread to any organs as of now. This means that hopefully the chemo can put a complete hault to the spread and we can try to reverse the effects of the cancer.

Once again, ultimately we are in HIS hands and HE already knows the plan. We need to keep praying that if it is in HIS plan that HE please heal Gary and deliver him from this cancer. Either way, no matter how grim things might get, GOD can do anything at any time. He does not really need the doctors or medicine or anything for that matter to give us a miracle.

We can only do what we can do - be there for eachother, support Gary, love Gary, pray for Gary, and place our lives in His hands. He knows the desires of all of our hearts. I know He is just as sad as I am right now and maybe even more because He created Gary and Gary is HIS child.

Thank you God that we have a strong faith through all of this. I have no idea how people could weather the storms life without it! What is the quote - sometimes God quiets the storm and other times he quiets the child and allows the storm to rage on. Is that comforting? I am still trying to dissect that and figure it out. I like the storm getting quieter option myself.

I will go to sleep now. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts without passing judgement on me. I really feel so blessed that you all have been so uplifting and supportive all of the time. You are all a perfect picture of God's creation at its finest. You have all banded together and surrounded our family and in our weakest moments we find that humanity has its kindest and most gentle moments.

We love you and hope you will continue to pray for us during this fight!!! Do not lose faith that God can do anything whenever he wants to!

Love and Happiness,
Lisa

WEDNESDAY AFTER MIDNIGHT/THURSDAY EARLY AM

Thursday early morning.

It is 2:20 AM and it is official that I have insomnia tonight. I absolutely can not sleep. I have never been one to be alone and always hated it when Gary traveled. I kept my promise to Gary and was in bed by 11 PM but I am struggling to not toss and turn and actually get a decent amount of rest.

I missed the boys today and it was good to get home to them even though I did not want to leave Gary. It is such a balancing act – Gary’s care, the kids, my job, the house, the after school activities, feeding everyone, doing laundry and on and on and on. Thankfully everything I do when not watching over Gary keeps me on target and emotionally stable. I thank God for my job and all of the daily things that I do.

We got Gary situated at Hoag. He has been in so much pain and the doctors are trying to get control over it. I hope he can sleep most of the night. He needs a break from the pain. He has endured so much. Day after day. Night after night. Ridiculous amounts of pain in which he has had an incredible tolerance to. It is gut wrenching watching someone you love so much go through so much.

Gary’s parents should be here this afternoon. They are flying into SNA and will rent a car and go straight to the hospital. It will be good for them to spend some time with Gary.

The doctors have ordered some tests today. Gary needs to have an abdominal xray panel and a CT w/ contrast on his lungs, abdomen and pelvis. They will compare the scans from a few weeks ago to see if there are any changes in his tumors. It will probably be a really long day today.

Well, I guess I should try and sleep a little. I can feel my eyes burning and I am just getting over having a terrible sore throat and sinus congestion. I can’t afford to have a relapse.

I promise to keep you all updated tomorrow as we find things out. If I have not posted then I don’t know anything yet. I know a few of you read these long-winded posts and wait to hear from us.

Please pray for everyone who is helping us and caring for us. I am sure all of these people need some strength and peace and patience as much as we do.

Pray for the kids. They are struggling with Gary being in the hospital. They will get to see him right after school today. Pray that somehow they understand just a little that Gary is sick and we are trying to help him. It is seemingly simple to us to think this way but for kids it is so hard to understand why their Dad has cancer and has to go through all of this.

My prayer for all of you is that through this nasty, destructive and sickening battle we fight against this cancer that you come to know how much God loves you and is always with you. I tell you this because despite everything that is happening we have always given our lives to God and know there is a plan for everything. Gary is so precious and my prayer is that we win this battle and Gary is restored!

Have a wonderful day!

Lisa

Hoag Hospital

Just a quickie. We had an appointment today at 10 and the doctors determined that Gary needed to be hospitalized so that they can figure out what is causing his pain and how they can better manage it. His pain has been getting worse over the last couple of days and he is on the max amount of pain meds they can give him.
So, we are checking into Hoag as soon as we leave and he will most likely be there until Saturday morning if all goes as planned.
The boys are with the Muck's today and I will come home tonight to be with them and to get them off to school in the morning.
Please pray that they can find out what is causing the pain and how to get a handle on it so that he does not hurt as bad.
Love and Hugs,
L

A quick note to my girlfriends & an update

Hi. This first part of the blog is specifically for all of my girlfriends. I will make it short and sweet.
I am so sorry. 99% of you have not even had a phone call from me in the past few weeks to a month.
I am not ignoring you and I do need you. I will need you. Please hang in there with me.
Most of you know me well enough to know that I am not a quiet person and I love to be social.
Given everything that is happening right now it has taken all of my energy and most of my time just getting through each day.
Please don't leave me or give up on me. I am sorry that I have not been reciprocal in our friendships.
I promise I will get better!

I will give you all a Gary update now.
He just ate dinner and has been in bed most of the day. He thinks he feels a little better (praises) and he has backed off just a little bit on his pain meds. He and I are a pathetic pair right now.
I went to the doctor tonight after being in bed most of the afternoon. Yesterday I felt cruddy and then felt a little worse this morning. I made it into the office for about 3 hours today and then came home and laid down until my doctor appointment.
I have been a little fearful that I would get Gary sick. I have a viral infection and just really have to make sure to wash my hands constantly and wear a mask when visiting with Gary for any length of time if I am coughing.

It amazes me that Gary still has not complained about anything! He is so strong and awesome! We love our Gary!!
Off to put the kids to bed. 7:30 sharp is such a good bedtime for the boys and for Gary and me!
Love to all!
Lisa

Sunday

It is now Monday morning and I am just winding down after a long day.

I made it to church this morning to help set up before I took off. Thank you to everyone who came early to set up and help out. The boys and I had so much fun at the Cirque! The show was fantastic and Claudia and John even hung out with Gary while we were gone! Dave and Matt and Rob came over for a visit and I think Gary was coherent for at least part of their visit. Jen came over to clean my blinds. She is really good at it. Hey Jen - I have more upstairs and they have your name and duster written all over them!!!!!

Gary had another not so good day today. He has had a terrible headache and his neck has been a bit stiff. He is really not eating but the good news is he is drinking more. His parents are coming for a visit this week. They have not been here since his surgery in August and we are looking forward to spending time with them. The kids always love it when their grandparents visit!

I am fairly sick and will get to the doctor tomorrow for fear that I might have strep or something. Jax has a deep chest cough but he seems to only have a cold. I pray Gary does not get sick.

We are asking that everyone who comes into the house use hand sanitizer and if you have even a little cold to please not visit until you are better. He is incredibly susceptible right now because his white cell count is down from the chemo treatment.

GARY INPUT GARY INPUT - he speaks!
Gary's blog thoughts - straight from his mouth: Thank you so much for everybody and for all the support and especially for your prayers. BTW - Chemo needs to come in a grape flavor! (?????? he says it is a joke)
He is obviously awake and I hope he gets some solid sleep tonight.

Here is what we need:
We need prayer that this chemo helps Gary. The chemo needs to stop the progression of the disease and hold it at bay.
The chemo treatments need to begin to shrink Gary's tumors so that Dr. Barth can gain some control over the cancer.
Please pray that Gary would begin to feel better this week and get stronger - not Arnold stronger - but at least be able to get out of the house to run errands or sit downstairs on the couch with the boys to watch tv.

WE LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN FOR ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU ALL CONTINUALLY DO FOR OUR FAMILY! WE ARE SO BLESSED - TRULY AND AMAZINGLY!!!!

Love, L&G

Weekend Update

Good Afternoon.

Well, our patient is hanging in there. He handled the chemo very well and then we got home and within an hour he began to feel nauseated. He has medicine for this and took it right away and it subsided for the most part. His biggest thorn besides the pain now is his intolerance to cold. He can't drink anything cold and it hurts to put his hand into the fridge.
The problem is he must drink 80 oz. of fluid each day. That is a lot of fluid. Even room temp. drinks hurt. I am praying I will not have to take him into the hospital tomorrow to hydrate him.

He is absolutely exhausted and is dizzy and cold with the occasional chill. He is laying in bed now but was just downstairs eating a ham sandwich at the table with Matt.
Matt just took the boys to the batting cages and all 3 of them spent the night at Stacy's last night. They always have so much fun at her house.

Claudia called me today and wanted to know if I wanted to take the boys to Cirque de Soleil tomorrow in Del Mar! What a great opportunity and special thing for us to be able to go to! The boys are going to LOVE it! Thank you Claudia and John! XO

The Wakelings are coming over tonight to bring us a trundle bed for our spare bedroom upstairs. We have turned the bedroom into sort of a guest room for the time being to accomodate both sets of our parents. It is still housing all of the "playroom" toys but now it is more comfortable for adults! Thank you Wakelings!!!

Gary has not complained once and he is such a trooper. I wish I could help him but the only thing I can do is keep him as comfortable as possible and try to make sure he is taking the right meds as the right time and give him loads of love.

His next appointment is Wednesday AM and then his next treatment is Feb.7th - the day before Zach's 9th birthday. He will have a semi-permanent cath placed in his chest at that time. The benefit of having that in his chest is that the nurses won't have to poke him all the time and try to find veins. The chemo is apparently very destructive on your veins and this will eliminate extra pain from that. Besides, he will be having his blood drawn all of the time for a while.

Sounds fun, huh? Wow. Sometimes I just can't believe we are going through this. His body is full of chemicals that are making him sick and hopefully the good that comes out of this is that these drugs are KICKING OUT THE CANCER!

Please, please, please continue to pray for all of us. The boys are handling this as well as to be expected and I am doing better. Gary is also more positive and we just need to be continually lifted up and prayed for. Believe me when I tell you it makes a HUGE difference!

I will update tomorrow.
Love, L

We once were lost but now are found!

Just another day at the Sallee House!

Once again, I am tired but both Gary and I feel much more at peace.

So, let me try to explain what is happening here with Gary.

We saw Dr. Barth tonight. We love him and Gary will start chemo tomorrow morning at 9:30 AM. He will not lose his hair or be a slave to the porcelain god! What he will be is extremely fatigued.

He will get 1X treatment of chemo every 2 weeks. The drip lasts 4 hours and then he is free to go home. The effects of the chemo happen about 48 hours after the treatment is administered.

Dr. Barth is doing the coolest thing with the tumor they took our in August.
He will take the tumor and begin to do genetic and molecular testing on it to see exactly what cells we are dealing with. He will be able to find out before round 2 of the chemo (around Feb.8) what his particular cells will respond to best and then begin to give Gary those chemo drugs.

In the meantime he is starting Gary on the 1st round for a few reasons.
He wants to prevent the cancer from getting into his bloodstream.
He wants to slow the cancer down immediately.

Gary's cancer is obviously very aggressive and has grown and spread very quickly in a short period of time. He has tumors in several places. He has tumors on his left and right side of his pelvis that are in the lymph nodes and muscles. He has an abdominal tumor and he possibly has a very tiny spot in his right lung that could be part of the metastasis as well.

I know this sounds awful but Dr. Barth actually gave us a ray of hope that we might be able to get this cancer into partial remission and we all know with God we could actually have a full remission if that is in his plan for Gary.

Dr. Barth has taken all of Gary's paperwork and slides and Cd's home for the weekend to get a better scope of what we are fighting. He is so nice and personable and so incredibly intelligent and he really cares about Gary and that is what really matters. He is a brilliant doctor who is calm and confident and we know we are in great hands! No need for City of Hope right now. No need for any other opinions. We are very confident and we know that John and Claudia and Ren felt the same way.

So, pray for us as we experience and learn all there is to know about Gary's chemo treatment. I will try and take Sunday off of work so that I can be home with Gary. The affects of the chemo should appear right around Sunday morning. Pray that he does not become too fatigued.

Regardless of what happens please know that we know God is there and he knows our hearts and our desires and he listens to our prayers and he lifts us up out of our saddness and replaces it with peace and light. He does that for both of us and regardless of what happens we are not angry or wonder why but instead pray for all of the good that can come from the ugly.
We pray that through this fight you have all joined us in fighting that you see the good and find peace in your owns lives and discover truly how close God is to everyone of us at all times!

Enjoy the gentle rain and we will let you know how chemo goes tomorrow!

Love,
L and sleepy G