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Hi. Quick update.
We have an appointment to see Dr. B tomorrow (Wednesday) at 10 AM. Gary will more than likely be getting chemo. He has had an off day today with lots of stomach pain.
I came home tonight to find out that Zach is not feeling well. I guess we will see how he does in the morning as to whether or not he will be going to school. That would be quite the curve ball!
Off to bed.
Good Night.
L
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Sallee Calendar of Events
Gary had an okay day. He drove me around this morning and then he took Zach to the batting cages and they worked on his "new & improved" swing. He did lots of laundry (OMG we have so much stinking laundry) and he did dishes. He fixed the door to the snack bar and tried to fix the soda fountain machine. Let's hope it works! The boys swam this afternoon and then this evening ended their day by fighting over the last cookie. That darn cookie is so important. I swear to you that I wish the only thing that I was overly concerned about was a cookie that someone else ate. If life were that uncomplicated I would be one happy girl.
I love that Gary is able to drive. I HATE DRIVING! I missed it when he could not drive. I hope that he can continue to stay on low doses of pain meds so that he can drive me around all the time. I know that sounds so selfish but I already told you how much I hated driving.
We have too many things going on this week. It's only Monday and I am overwhelmed. School performances (they all have them) & end of the year this and that. Baseball practice & Girls Night Out (YEAH!). Meetings, doctors, chemo, MRI's. Quiet time - can I fit that in somewhere? Staff Retreat & All Star Game (GO VIEJO). Dinner with friends (love that) and Father's Day with more friends (love that, too!) Coffee & the gym (NEED THAT DAILY FOR SANITY). I could go on and on but I won't because I know all of you know how crazy life is with a family. The only difference for us is that we have the cancer factor added in! We are all busy and torn in so many directions. That is why I love summer so much. No more lunches and no more homework. No more schedules or projects. Less laundry since the boys live in trunks and sandals! Let's hear it for summer!
Our neighbor Bette is 81 1/2. She runs the Discovery Cancer Center and is very active with the American Cancer Society. She does amazing things for kids with cancer and she is helping to run the Relay For Life this month at Saddleback College. She is a wonderful person and is one of the most giving women I have ever met. She really has a heart of gold.
Anyhow, Bette fell this week while trimming her roses and apparently had a blackout that caused the fall. She is pretty banged up and she fractured her pelvis. So, she is on the couch and down & out for a while. The boys sat at the kitchen table for an hour this afternoon and made awesome cards for her and we baked sugar cookies and took the cards and cookies to her. We are so proud of our boys. Obviously all the amazing things everyone does for our family is rubbing off on them because they were so giving this afternoon. They were so excited to do these cards and go to her house. She loved them and put them on her mantle and they put a smile on her face. She ended up giving them new beanie babies - a baseball bear, a skunk named stinky and a red cardinal (Zach LOVES cardinals). It was a nice visit all the way around!
Gary and I just finished watching the Bachelorette! Okay - I admit I forced Gary to watch. I LOVE that show. The guys are worse than the chicks! Whiney and Competitive. I think some of them just want to win. Anyhow, great entertainment. Mindless fun!
Gary has chemo scheduled for friday. I am trying to move it because of my retreat and Nate's school performance. I am not sure when to schedule it. He is sick from the time he gets it so no day is a good day. I am sure we will figure it out!
Good bye and Good Night.
Have a happy sleep.
Love,
L
I love that Gary is able to drive. I HATE DRIVING! I missed it when he could not drive. I hope that he can continue to stay on low doses of pain meds so that he can drive me around all the time. I know that sounds so selfish but I already told you how much I hated driving.
We have too many things going on this week. It's only Monday and I am overwhelmed. School performances (they all have them) & end of the year this and that. Baseball practice & Girls Night Out (YEAH!). Meetings, doctors, chemo, MRI's. Quiet time - can I fit that in somewhere? Staff Retreat & All Star Game (GO VIEJO). Dinner with friends (love that) and Father's Day with more friends (love that, too!) Coffee & the gym (NEED THAT DAILY FOR SANITY). I could go on and on but I won't because I know all of you know how crazy life is with a family. The only difference for us is that we have the cancer factor added in! We are all busy and torn in so many directions. That is why I love summer so much. No more lunches and no more homework. No more schedules or projects. Less laundry since the boys live in trunks and sandals! Let's hear it for summer!
Our neighbor Bette is 81 1/2. She runs the Discovery Cancer Center and is very active with the American Cancer Society. She does amazing things for kids with cancer and she is helping to run the Relay For Life this month at Saddleback College. She is a wonderful person and is one of the most giving women I have ever met. She really has a heart of gold.
Anyhow, Bette fell this week while trimming her roses and apparently had a blackout that caused the fall. She is pretty banged up and she fractured her pelvis. So, she is on the couch and down & out for a while. The boys sat at the kitchen table for an hour this afternoon and made awesome cards for her and we baked sugar cookies and took the cards and cookies to her. We are so proud of our boys. Obviously all the amazing things everyone does for our family is rubbing off on them because they were so giving this afternoon. They were so excited to do these cards and go to her house. She loved them and put them on her mantle and they put a smile on her face. She ended up giving them new beanie babies - a baseball bear, a skunk named stinky and a red cardinal (Zach LOVES cardinals). It was a nice visit all the way around!
Gary and I just finished watching the Bachelorette! Okay - I admit I forced Gary to watch. I LOVE that show. The guys are worse than the chicks! Whiney and Competitive. I think some of them just want to win. Anyhow, great entertainment. Mindless fun!
Gary has chemo scheduled for friday. I am trying to move it because of my retreat and Nate's school performance. I am not sure when to schedule it. He is sick from the time he gets it so no day is a good day. I am sure we will figure it out!
Good bye and Good Night.
Have a happy sleep.
Love,
L
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Sunday
Hello. I wanted to update before heading off to bed.
Yesterday was a horrible day for Gary. He was really not feeling well. He has been taking more pain medication to try to offset the abdominal and hip pain he has been experiencing. It seems to help a little. He really doesn't want to take it because then he can't drive and driving is such a freedom we all take for granted. So, he barely got out of bed all day yesterday. I was a bit more worried about him than usual but he does go up and down sometimes.
Well, today was a completely different day. I can tell that he struggled through the day but I will give you a breakdown of what we did. Gary got up and got the kids ready for church and arrived at 8:30 AM for prayer time. He then went and picked Nate up from a sleepover and came back to church where he dropped Nate off and picked Zach up to take him to practice. He sat at practice for 2 hours and then I dropped the other two off with him and he took all three home. He played baseball in the backyard and caught for Zach's pitches. He rested for about 1/2 hour before joining the boys and I at the pool. He then swam with the boys and played 3 flies up. We came home and had dinner together. He then watered the yard, did laundry, packed lunches, laid the boys clothes out for the morning, did Jax's homework with him and did all of the dishes!
He put the boys to bed and we are finally resting now at 8:45! WHAT A MAN!!!!!
Needless to say, we had a much better day today. I hope tomorrow follows suit but we won't know until the sun comes up!
I went to Sharon's house today with my friend Jenn to pick out tons of wonderful cards that Gary and I will need to start working on for the boys. She was so incredibly gracious and it was nice that Jenn spent time helping me.
I feel a little stronger this afternoon. I think when Gary feels better I feel better about things. It gives me a sense of hope that
Gary is fighting and that there is still time for God to intervene and answer our prayers with complete healing. Maybe. I have to hold out hope and Gary does as well.
Thank God only 1 more full week of school left! YEAH!!!!
Off to bed.
Love to all,
L
Yesterday was a horrible day for Gary. He was really not feeling well. He has been taking more pain medication to try to offset the abdominal and hip pain he has been experiencing. It seems to help a little. He really doesn't want to take it because then he can't drive and driving is such a freedom we all take for granted. So, he barely got out of bed all day yesterday. I was a bit more worried about him than usual but he does go up and down sometimes.
Well, today was a completely different day. I can tell that he struggled through the day but I will give you a breakdown of what we did. Gary got up and got the kids ready for church and arrived at 8:30 AM for prayer time. He then went and picked Nate up from a sleepover and came back to church where he dropped Nate off and picked Zach up to take him to practice. He sat at practice for 2 hours and then I dropped the other two off with him and he took all three home. He played baseball in the backyard and caught for Zach's pitches. He rested for about 1/2 hour before joining the boys and I at the pool. He then swam with the boys and played 3 flies up. We came home and had dinner together. He then watered the yard, did laundry, packed lunches, laid the boys clothes out for the morning, did Jax's homework with him and did all of the dishes!
He put the boys to bed and we are finally resting now at 8:45! WHAT A MAN!!!!!
Needless to say, we had a much better day today. I hope tomorrow follows suit but we won't know until the sun comes up!
I went to Sharon's house today with my friend Jenn to pick out tons of wonderful cards that Gary and I will need to start working on for the boys. She was so incredibly gracious and it was nice that Jenn spent time helping me.
I feel a little stronger this afternoon. I think when Gary feels better I feel better about things. It gives me a sense of hope that
Gary is fighting and that there is still time for God to intervene and answer our prayers with complete healing. Maybe. I have to hold out hope and Gary does as well.
Thank God only 1 more full week of school left! YEAH!!!!
Off to bed.
Love to all,
L
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Conversations
Good Morning.
Last night was a very rough night. Gary and I found ourselves talking about things that no one should ever be forced to talk about with their young spouse. They were so raw and painful and I thought that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My eyes are still swollen and puffy and my head is killing me. I think I cried for 2 hours throughout these conversations.
I want to give all of our friends something to ponder. Talk about hard things with your spouse when everything is good. Don't wait until you are in our position and facing what we are possibly facing (I pray you never do) to talk for the first time about extremely important and difficult things having to do with one another, your kids, family, business, money, life, etc......... It is so painful to talk about these things when you are emotionally distraught. Don't stop at just doing your living trust or getting your life insurance in order. TALK. DISCUSS. PLAN. I wish we would have done more of that before now. I know that there is only so much you can do. Do as much as you can. Or not. Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them,
We are feeling the urgency to video tape and write letters and cards. I am going to get birthday cards for the boys - 1 each year for each of them until they turn 25. I will get wedding cards and graduation cards. The birth of their first children. Videotape advice for when they turn 13, 16, 18, 21. We want to share with them our hopes and dreams for them. As I write this I have to actually sit back and look at what I have written because I can't believe I am sitting here having to write all of this. I know this sounds awful. But, while Gary is feeling halfway decent we need to do this just to be prepared if he does not get well. We will both video tape and sign cards and write letters. I think it will be special and easier if we both do this together.
I know without a doubt that if God has plans for Gary to be restored completely and the cancer completely stricken from his body then that IS going to happen. We love all of your prayers and we need them. Everyone of your prayers is heard and God listens. He may not always respond the way we desire him to but he knows. He knows what Gary and I want. He knows what all of you are asking for. Please keep your faith and keep praying and asking.
I am having a hard morning. I rarely ever want time alone. I am not "an alone type of person". This morning I just want to be alone. I hate being alone. those of you who know me very well know this. My perfect day includes people not quiet!
Maybe one day I will wake up and this will be nothing more than my worst nightmare. Wouldn't that be great?
I am not delusional. I know what we are up against. I do have courage. I trust. I know. I am okay.
My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry that you have had to try and follow them - if you actually have made it this deep into my thoughts!
I am going to spend some time now being still and listening. Maybe in my quiet moments I will find wisdom and direction for my day. One day at a time. I am not going to focus on tomorrow but live today.
Gary is going to fight and he is not going to stop fighting this cancer. We are hoping and praying that this new Avastin Therapy coupled with Chemo and some other drugs is going to eradicate the cancer in his liver and continue to shrink the cancer in his pelvis. THIS CAN HAPPEN. Are the odds against us? Yes. But we are going to keep going. We need everyone to fight with us! Don't give up on us! Let's all keep going.
Your words are encouraging and your cards give us strength. Gary knows how loved he is and how amazing our support system is. It means so much to us for not only ourselves but for the boys.
I need to go.
Love & Hugs,
L
Last night was a very rough night. Gary and I found ourselves talking about things that no one should ever be forced to talk about with their young spouse. They were so raw and painful and I thought that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My eyes are still swollen and puffy and my head is killing me. I think I cried for 2 hours throughout these conversations.
I want to give all of our friends something to ponder. Talk about hard things with your spouse when everything is good. Don't wait until you are in our position and facing what we are possibly facing (I pray you never do) to talk for the first time about extremely important and difficult things having to do with one another, your kids, family, business, money, life, etc......... It is so painful to talk about these things when you are emotionally distraught. Don't stop at just doing your living trust or getting your life insurance in order. TALK. DISCUSS. PLAN. I wish we would have done more of that before now. I know that there is only so much you can do. Do as much as you can. Or not. Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them,
We are feeling the urgency to video tape and write letters and cards. I am going to get birthday cards for the boys - 1 each year for each of them until they turn 25. I will get wedding cards and graduation cards. The birth of their first children. Videotape advice for when they turn 13, 16, 18, 21. We want to share with them our hopes and dreams for them. As I write this I have to actually sit back and look at what I have written because I can't believe I am sitting here having to write all of this. I know this sounds awful. But, while Gary is feeling halfway decent we need to do this just to be prepared if he does not get well. We will both video tape and sign cards and write letters. I think it will be special and easier if we both do this together.
I know without a doubt that if God has plans for Gary to be restored completely and the cancer completely stricken from his body then that IS going to happen. We love all of your prayers and we need them. Everyone of your prayers is heard and God listens. He may not always respond the way we desire him to but he knows. He knows what Gary and I want. He knows what all of you are asking for. Please keep your faith and keep praying and asking.
I am having a hard morning. I rarely ever want time alone. I am not "an alone type of person". This morning I just want to be alone. I hate being alone. those of you who know me very well know this. My perfect day includes people not quiet!
Maybe one day I will wake up and this will be nothing more than my worst nightmare. Wouldn't that be great?
I am not delusional. I know what we are up against. I do have courage. I trust. I know. I am okay.
My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry that you have had to try and follow them - if you actually have made it this deep into my thoughts!
I am going to spend some time now being still and listening. Maybe in my quiet moments I will find wisdom and direction for my day. One day at a time. I am not going to focus on tomorrow but live today.
Gary is going to fight and he is not going to stop fighting this cancer. We are hoping and praying that this new Avastin Therapy coupled with Chemo and some other drugs is going to eradicate the cancer in his liver and continue to shrink the cancer in his pelvis. THIS CAN HAPPEN. Are the odds against us? Yes. But we are going to keep going. We need everyone to fight with us! Don't give up on us! Let's all keep going.
Your words are encouraging and your cards give us strength. Gary knows how loved he is and how amazing our support system is. It means so much to us for not only ourselves but for the boys.
I need to go.
Love & Hugs,
L
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Quick
I have to get to my staff meeting but I wanted to give you all the information I have with regards to what happened today at Dr. Barth's office.
Today was not a good day or a promising day by any means. Gary's cancer has spread to his liver. The mass in his pelvis is still shrinking and that seems to be good news. His pelvic masses have shrunk about 45% so far. Unfortunately, the cancer is now presenting itself in his liver. The size of the tumor is moderate at 2.6 cm. Dr. Barth does not want to mess with it right now because as he says "Where there is smoke there is more than likely fire". He could have more spots that just are not detectable at this point in time. Looking back to the April scans you can see a very tiny shadow on Gary's liver and it has grown significantly over the past 6 weeks.
Not having therapy because of the struggles Gary was having with side effects has certainly led to the spreading of this aggressive cancer. Just so you all know it is bladder cancer NOT liver cancer.
Now we are backed into a corner and we have to do something. We are backed into a corner and doing nothing because Gary is not well enough is not an option. The molecular therapy has potentially damaging side effects for Gary with his bowels being compromised but Barth started him on the molecular therapy today. He will have chemo next week and he will keep repeating the regimen (Avastin 1 week chemo the next Avastin the following week chemo the next and so on). This is the plan as of right this moment. Things could change and more than likely will depending upon how well Gary tolerates the Avastin.
So, wow I would be untruthful if I told you I was completely okay with all of this. I need a day to process this new discovery and get my head in the right place. Gary is doing okay and I think he is in shock still. He says he is more than fine and he is not worried at all. I hope and pray this is true.
If any of you have done research on the internet about bladder cancer you would know that things do not look good for survival at all. Gary never does research do I do not ever share with him my findings and neither does Dr. Barth because there is no point. Treatment is still the same. A POSITIVE attitude is imperative!
I really do not want to talk on the phone right now. I promise it is nothing personal against any of you but I think I just need to be quiet and still and just think. I will be back to my chatty self tomorrow.
We love all of you and we keep you all close in our hearts.
Love, Me
Today was not a good day or a promising day by any means. Gary's cancer has spread to his liver. The mass in his pelvis is still shrinking and that seems to be good news. His pelvic masses have shrunk about 45% so far. Unfortunately, the cancer is now presenting itself in his liver. The size of the tumor is moderate at 2.6 cm. Dr. Barth does not want to mess with it right now because as he says "Where there is smoke there is more than likely fire". He could have more spots that just are not detectable at this point in time. Looking back to the April scans you can see a very tiny shadow on Gary's liver and it has grown significantly over the past 6 weeks.
Not having therapy because of the struggles Gary was having with side effects has certainly led to the spreading of this aggressive cancer. Just so you all know it is bladder cancer NOT liver cancer.
Now we are backed into a corner and we have to do something. We are backed into a corner and doing nothing because Gary is not well enough is not an option. The molecular therapy has potentially damaging side effects for Gary with his bowels being compromised but Barth started him on the molecular therapy today. He will have chemo next week and he will keep repeating the regimen (Avastin 1 week chemo the next Avastin the following week chemo the next and so on). This is the plan as of right this moment. Things could change and more than likely will depending upon how well Gary tolerates the Avastin.
So, wow I would be untruthful if I told you I was completely okay with all of this. I need a day to process this new discovery and get my head in the right place. Gary is doing okay and I think he is in shock still. He says he is more than fine and he is not worried at all. I hope and pray this is true.
If any of you have done research on the internet about bladder cancer you would know that things do not look good for survival at all. Gary never does research do I do not ever share with him my findings and neither does Dr. Barth because there is no point. Treatment is still the same. A POSITIVE attitude is imperative!
I really do not want to talk on the phone right now. I promise it is nothing personal against any of you but I think I just need to be quiet and still and just think. I will be back to my chatty self tomorrow.
We love all of you and we keep you all close in our hearts.
Love, Me
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Tuesday
We just watched Transformers for the first time. I did not think I would like it but it was a good movie. We have hesitated in letting the boys see it. It seems as if most of our friends have allowed their kids to see it and I am sure in the boys eyes we were the last parents on the whole entire earth that had not allowed their kids to see this movie. We seem to be extremely conservative. Maybe too much but we would rather be cautious than expose them to things they don't need to be exposed to at their ages.
I thought one of the scenes was completely inappropriate for the boys. Someone who had seen the movie said that there was a scene that was like "a second" long about masturbation. Hello!!! A second? I think they say the word 3 or 4 times and dwell on it for at least 30 seconds. I can only hope that it went over their heads and that they have no clue what that is. My guilt has set in. Other than that scene and a few choice words the movie was action packed and entertaining. The kids loved it and I am not going to grill them to see if they even know what masturbation is. Ignorance might be bliss in this case! (Gary agrees).
The boys are in the backyard playing baseball and they have to get into the shower in a minute to get ready for bed. 7:30 PM is a beautiful time of the day. It is alone time for Gary and I. We only have a few more weeks of it before school is out and bedtimes change.
Dr. Nina Bhatt saw Zach today. She is an orthodontist whose son plays in our little league (I told you all that yesterday but I am not banking on all of you having read the blog yesterday so I will repeat myself). She was so great with Zach and he of course loves her. Zach will not be getting braces until he has more permanent teeth. YEAH!! 1 phase and it will be done! Thank you Nina for taking good care of us. If anyone needs an ortho she should be your ortho! She is right next to Mission Viejo High School and she will treat you like she would treat her own children!
After we drop the kids off at school we are going to head up to Dr. Barth's office to find out the results of the scans. Pray for peace and rest for us tonight. We need a little bit of both. Hopefully we will come home to blog excellent news.
Enough said. Short and sweet tonight unlike last night.
Have a great evening!
Love,
L
I thought one of the scenes was completely inappropriate for the boys. Someone who had seen the movie said that there was a scene that was like "a second" long about masturbation. Hello!!! A second? I think they say the word 3 or 4 times and dwell on it for at least 30 seconds. I can only hope that it went over their heads and that they have no clue what that is. My guilt has set in. Other than that scene and a few choice words the movie was action packed and entertaining. The kids loved it and I am not going to grill them to see if they even know what masturbation is. Ignorance might be bliss in this case! (Gary agrees).
The boys are in the backyard playing baseball and they have to get into the shower in a minute to get ready for bed. 7:30 PM is a beautiful time of the day. It is alone time for Gary and I. We only have a few more weeks of it before school is out and bedtimes change.
Dr. Nina Bhatt saw Zach today. She is an orthodontist whose son plays in our little league (I told you all that yesterday but I am not banking on all of you having read the blog yesterday so I will repeat myself). She was so great with Zach and he of course loves her. Zach will not be getting braces until he has more permanent teeth. YEAH!! 1 phase and it will be done! Thank you Nina for taking good care of us. If anyone needs an ortho she should be your ortho! She is right next to Mission Viejo High School and she will treat you like she would treat her own children!
After we drop the kids off at school we are going to head up to Dr. Barth's office to find out the results of the scans. Pray for peace and rest for us tonight. We need a little bit of both. Hopefully we will come home to blog excellent news.
Enough said. Short and sweet tonight unlike last night.
Have a great evening!
Love,
L
Monday, June 2, 2008
Range of Emotions
First of all, please don't get sick of our cancer. Don't drop off. This is a long journey and I do not want to be on this road alone. Gary does not either. We need our support system surrounding us and holding us up. I know many of you think I am some kind of super woman but I assure you that I am able to be the way I am because of your love and support. Your cards and your jokes. My martini time and girls nights out. My accountability times and prayer. Your phone calls and E-mails. It all keeps me going.
I can't even remember the last time I posted but I know it was sometime last week so I will get everyone caught up to date. This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks since January for Gary and for me.
Last Friday the doctor called us and changed our CT scans to today at 1:15 PM. So, we had the scans done and now we wait until Wednesday at 9 AM to find out what the cancer either is or is not doing. I am glad I took Gary today because he was in so much pain that his nurse ended up giving him a good dose of IV dilaudid. I think it took the edge off for a while.
Gary's pain resurfaced late last week. Anyone who has seen him can tell something is different. Maybe you think he looks tired. Maybe you just think something is off a little. Well, he is not tired but the change in his appearance is because of the amount of pain he is in. His right hip is killing him and he tries so hard not to let anyone see his struggle. He was down to very little pain medication and now he is taking pain meds 6 extra times a day to try to manage his pain.
He does not see me watch him. He does not notice that I watch his every move. He forgets that I sat in the hospital with him for a month and I know his facial expressions and I know the way he holds himself when he is in pain. I see him slink around the corner when his pain is so bad and he doesn't want any of us to see it on his face. I know Gary and that is what scares me so much. I have not seen him like this since we started treatment.
What is causing this severe pain? I catch myself speculating and then abruptly stop because I should not be doing that. I broke down tonight watching him trying to get into bed and trying to get comfortable. How can this be happening to him? He is such an amazing person. A magnificent father and a husband. He is just this amazing force and loving soul. Attentive. Caring. Thoughtful. Funny. Strong. Quiet. Loyal. A wonderful listener. The list goes on and on and on.
I HATE CANCER. CANCER SUCKS. BEYOND SUCKS. It is EVIL. NO ONE should have to ever go through what we are going through. Is all the treatment worth it when the quality of life is so compromised? It is bad then gets good then gets bad then good and so on.
I can't even tell you how emotionally stressful things have been over this past weekend and we begin to think about this journey. First we are misdiagnosed. Then we have surgeons who take matters into their own hands and convince us that surgery alone is the answer. They got it all. Bye. See you in 3 months. It spreads. Then treatment seems to be working. Cancer is shrinking. Gary is getting sooooo much better. BOOM. Now we back slide again. Here we are. A different pain. Excruciating. Right hip. What the hell is it?
Once again I am trying not to think about what it could be. It is sickening and gut wrenchingly difficult. Last night Gary was in bed and he was just plain broken and he curled up next to me and whispered "I just don't want to be in pain anymore. When is this going to stop?" These words come from my strong husband who has rarely ever been sick and who is always a commanding presence in our lives. Never in a million years could I have ever envisioned my spouse in this position. Once again I feel completely and utterly helpless. I feel like that most of the time when it comes to Gary's health. I look at him when he is fast asleep and it is hard for me to believe that he is so sick.
I know I am more emotional because I am tired and a little run down. I have been pretty under the weather for about 6 days and am finally feeling more human. The only thing that seems to be hanging on is my annoying cough that keeps me up most of the night. I even took Histenex and nothing. Hopefully I get rest tonight.
God has given me my Gary Gift. We have had 12 years of marriage that has been blessed with 3 healthy children and so many wonderful times. I hold on to those times to get me through these times. There will be more of those times. I just have to hold on and help Gary through these times that sometimes seem impossible to bear. He told me tonight that he is fighting so hard for the boys and for me. We are what keeps him going. He is NOT going down without one hell of a fight. There will be many battles to fight. We will win some and lose others. Right now it appears as if we are losing this little battle but we don't even know what we are fighting. Maybe it is just a pulled muscle. We will see. There are many more battles to win and hopefully win the final battle and get rid of this disgusting cancer.
On to a rosier subject. The boys.
Zach was in the backseat and out of the corner of my eye I saw something white in his hand and he was rolling it around. I asked him what it was and he simply said "Lost my tooth. Number 13. Here you go." That was it. No biggie and it is not under his pillow tonight. He totally forgot I think and I am in no mood to summons the fairy who has to somehow muster up 2 gold dollars! Zach goes to see Dr. Bhatt tomorrow to see about getting braces. Nina Bhatt is a friend of our from baseball and I missed her this year. We kept score together all last year and I had such a great time with her and Ravi (her son).
While we were getting our scans today Jax managed to not be able to shake off a serious case of the giggles. He giggled for about 1/2 hour straight for no reason. Of course all of the women in the office seem to think he is so cute and charming. He's got them all wrapped and fooled!!! :) Little devil!
Nate has been reading up a storm and he just went to his friend CJ's party at Angel Stadium and he had a blast. He is ready to sleep in every day and wear his jammies until noon! He has quite the pitching arm and Zach loves to catch for him.
All three of the boys spend countless hours in the backyard playing baseball. They all pitch, hit and then proceed to beam eachother while running bases with the ball. Hobie just sits in the middle of the grass being totally OCD. Chasing shadows. Obsessing over birds flying overhead. I think he has gone doggy psycho. He even played with Ace the other day and instead of playing he dissed Ace for imaginary shadows. I had better do some research on dogs with OCD.
I guess I should try and sleep. I just had to write to get everything off my chest. I always give myself permission to go to my dark place but I am out now. A little faster than last time I think. It is so theraputic to write. I encourage you to do that when something is eating at you.
I pray for all of you that somehow through our trial there is something that strengthens you or comforts you. God can use these yucky times to shed light on awesome things. Look for the awesome things, find them and hold on tight!
“cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you”(1 Peter 5:7) A friend E-mailed this verse to us today and it reminded both of us how blessed we are because He does care and it is more than evident because of all of you and through all of you. The love you share with all of us is HIM. The Lord is the reason why we endure and perservere.
Thank you for sharing your love and compassion and lives with our family. It is the greatest lesson for our sons. They have learned so much goodness. They are learning how people love eachother and take care of one another. Without this struggle it would be hard to teach them this lesson. Hands on. The best way to learn. Another example of the light that comes out of the darkness.
Smiles and Love to you all,
Lisa
I can't even remember the last time I posted but I know it was sometime last week so I will get everyone caught up to date. This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks since January for Gary and for me.
Last Friday the doctor called us and changed our CT scans to today at 1:15 PM. So, we had the scans done and now we wait until Wednesday at 9 AM to find out what the cancer either is or is not doing. I am glad I took Gary today because he was in so much pain that his nurse ended up giving him a good dose of IV dilaudid. I think it took the edge off for a while.
Gary's pain resurfaced late last week. Anyone who has seen him can tell something is different. Maybe you think he looks tired. Maybe you just think something is off a little. Well, he is not tired but the change in his appearance is because of the amount of pain he is in. His right hip is killing him and he tries so hard not to let anyone see his struggle. He was down to very little pain medication and now he is taking pain meds 6 extra times a day to try to manage his pain.
He does not see me watch him. He does not notice that I watch his every move. He forgets that I sat in the hospital with him for a month and I know his facial expressions and I know the way he holds himself when he is in pain. I see him slink around the corner when his pain is so bad and he doesn't want any of us to see it on his face. I know Gary and that is what scares me so much. I have not seen him like this since we started treatment.
What is causing this severe pain? I catch myself speculating and then abruptly stop because I should not be doing that. I broke down tonight watching him trying to get into bed and trying to get comfortable. How can this be happening to him? He is such an amazing person. A magnificent father and a husband. He is just this amazing force and loving soul. Attentive. Caring. Thoughtful. Funny. Strong. Quiet. Loyal. A wonderful listener. The list goes on and on and on.
I HATE CANCER. CANCER SUCKS. BEYOND SUCKS. It is EVIL. NO ONE should have to ever go through what we are going through. Is all the treatment worth it when the quality of life is so compromised? It is bad then gets good then gets bad then good and so on.
I can't even tell you how emotionally stressful things have been over this past weekend and we begin to think about this journey. First we are misdiagnosed. Then we have surgeons who take matters into their own hands and convince us that surgery alone is the answer. They got it all. Bye. See you in 3 months. It spreads. Then treatment seems to be working. Cancer is shrinking. Gary is getting sooooo much better. BOOM. Now we back slide again. Here we are. A different pain. Excruciating. Right hip. What the hell is it?
Once again I am trying not to think about what it could be. It is sickening and gut wrenchingly difficult. Last night Gary was in bed and he was just plain broken and he curled up next to me and whispered "I just don't want to be in pain anymore. When is this going to stop?" These words come from my strong husband who has rarely ever been sick and who is always a commanding presence in our lives. Never in a million years could I have ever envisioned my spouse in this position. Once again I feel completely and utterly helpless. I feel like that most of the time when it comes to Gary's health. I look at him when he is fast asleep and it is hard for me to believe that he is so sick.
I know I am more emotional because I am tired and a little run down. I have been pretty under the weather for about 6 days and am finally feeling more human. The only thing that seems to be hanging on is my annoying cough that keeps me up most of the night. I even took Histenex and nothing. Hopefully I get rest tonight.
God has given me my Gary Gift. We have had 12 years of marriage that has been blessed with 3 healthy children and so many wonderful times. I hold on to those times to get me through these times. There will be more of those times. I just have to hold on and help Gary through these times that sometimes seem impossible to bear. He told me tonight that he is fighting so hard for the boys and for me. We are what keeps him going. He is NOT going down without one hell of a fight. There will be many battles to fight. We will win some and lose others. Right now it appears as if we are losing this little battle but we don't even know what we are fighting. Maybe it is just a pulled muscle. We will see. There are many more battles to win and hopefully win the final battle and get rid of this disgusting cancer.
On to a rosier subject. The boys.
Zach was in the backseat and out of the corner of my eye I saw something white in his hand and he was rolling it around. I asked him what it was and he simply said "Lost my tooth. Number 13. Here you go." That was it. No biggie and it is not under his pillow tonight. He totally forgot I think and I am in no mood to summons the fairy who has to somehow muster up 2 gold dollars! Zach goes to see Dr. Bhatt tomorrow to see about getting braces. Nina Bhatt is a friend of our from baseball and I missed her this year. We kept score together all last year and I had such a great time with her and Ravi (her son).
While we were getting our scans today Jax managed to not be able to shake off a serious case of the giggles. He giggled for about 1/2 hour straight for no reason. Of course all of the women in the office seem to think he is so cute and charming. He's got them all wrapped and fooled!!! :) Little devil!
Nate has been reading up a storm and he just went to his friend CJ's party at Angel Stadium and he had a blast. He is ready to sleep in every day and wear his jammies until noon! He has quite the pitching arm and Zach loves to catch for him.
All three of the boys spend countless hours in the backyard playing baseball. They all pitch, hit and then proceed to beam eachother while running bases with the ball. Hobie just sits in the middle of the grass being totally OCD. Chasing shadows. Obsessing over birds flying overhead. I think he has gone doggy psycho. He even played with Ace the other day and instead of playing he dissed Ace for imaginary shadows. I had better do some research on dogs with OCD.
I guess I should try and sleep. I just had to write to get everything off my chest. I always give myself permission to go to my dark place but I am out now. A little faster than last time I think. It is so theraputic to write. I encourage you to do that when something is eating at you.
I pray for all of you that somehow through our trial there is something that strengthens you or comforts you. God can use these yucky times to shed light on awesome things. Look for the awesome things, find them and hold on tight!
“cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you”(1 Peter 5:7) A friend E-mailed this verse to us today and it reminded both of us how blessed we are because He does care and it is more than evident because of all of you and through all of you. The love you share with all of us is HIM. The Lord is the reason why we endure and perservere.
Thank you for sharing your love and compassion and lives with our family. It is the greatest lesson for our sons. They have learned so much goodness. They are learning how people love eachother and take care of one another. Without this struggle it would be hard to teach them this lesson. Hands on. The best way to learn. Another example of the light that comes out of the darkness.
Smiles and Love to you all,
Lisa
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