Range of Emotions

First of all, please don't get sick of our cancer. Don't drop off. This is a long journey and I do not want to be on this road alone. Gary does not either. We need our support system surrounding us and holding us up. I know many of you think I am some kind of super woman but I assure you that I am able to be the way I am because of your love and support. Your cards and your jokes. My martini time and girls nights out. My accountability times and prayer. Your phone calls and E-mails. It all keeps me going.

I can't even remember the last time I posted but I know it was sometime last week so I will get everyone caught up to date. This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks since January for Gary and for me.

Last Friday the doctor called us and changed our CT scans to today at 1:15 PM. So, we had the scans done and now we wait until Wednesday at 9 AM to find out what the cancer either is or is not doing. I am glad I took Gary today because he was in so much pain that his nurse ended up giving him a good dose of IV dilaudid. I think it took the edge off for a while.

Gary's pain resurfaced late last week. Anyone who has seen him can tell something is different. Maybe you think he looks tired. Maybe you just think something is off a little. Well, he is not tired but the change in his appearance is because of the amount of pain he is in. His right hip is killing him and he tries so hard not to let anyone see his struggle. He was down to very little pain medication and now he is taking pain meds 6 extra times a day to try to manage his pain.

He does not see me watch him. He does not notice that I watch his every move. He forgets that I sat in the hospital with him for a month and I know his facial expressions and I know the way he holds himself when he is in pain. I see him slink around the corner when his pain is so bad and he doesn't want any of us to see it on his face. I know Gary and that is what scares me so much. I have not seen him like this since we started treatment.

What is causing this severe pain? I catch myself speculating and then abruptly stop because I should not be doing that. I broke down tonight watching him trying to get into bed and trying to get comfortable. How can this be happening to him? He is such an amazing person. A magnificent father and a husband. He is just this amazing force and loving soul. Attentive. Caring. Thoughtful. Funny. Strong. Quiet. Loyal. A wonderful listener. The list goes on and on and on.

I HATE CANCER. CANCER SUCKS. BEYOND SUCKS. It is EVIL. NO ONE should have to ever go through what we are going through. Is all the treatment worth it when the quality of life is so compromised? It is bad then gets good then gets bad then good and so on.

I can't even tell you how emotionally stressful things have been over this past weekend and we begin to think about this journey. First we are misdiagnosed. Then we have surgeons who take matters into their own hands and convince us that surgery alone is the answer. They got it all. Bye. See you in 3 months. It spreads. Then treatment seems to be working. Cancer is shrinking. Gary is getting sooooo much better. BOOM. Now we back slide again. Here we are. A different pain. Excruciating. Right hip. What the hell is it?

Once again I am trying not to think about what it could be. It is sickening and gut wrenchingly difficult. Last night Gary was in bed and he was just plain broken and he curled up next to me and whispered "I just don't want to be in pain anymore. When is this going to stop?" These words come from my strong husband who has rarely ever been sick and who is always a commanding presence in our lives. Never in a million years could I have ever envisioned my spouse in this position. Once again I feel completely and utterly helpless. I feel like that most of the time when it comes to Gary's health. I look at him when he is fast asleep and it is hard for me to believe that he is so sick.

I know I am more emotional because I am tired and a little run down. I have been pretty under the weather for about 6 days and am finally feeling more human. The only thing that seems to be hanging on is my annoying cough that keeps me up most of the night. I even took Histenex and nothing. Hopefully I get rest tonight.

God has given me my Gary Gift. We have had 12 years of marriage that has been blessed with 3 healthy children and so many wonderful times. I hold on to those times to get me through these times. There will be more of those times. I just have to hold on and help Gary through these times that sometimes seem impossible to bear. He told me tonight that he is fighting so hard for the boys and for me. We are what keeps him going. He is NOT going down without one hell of a fight. There will be many battles to fight. We will win some and lose others. Right now it appears as if we are losing this little battle but we don't even know what we are fighting. Maybe it is just a pulled muscle. We will see. There are many more battles to win and hopefully win the final battle and get rid of this disgusting cancer.

On to a rosier subject. The boys.

Zach was in the backseat and out of the corner of my eye I saw something white in his hand and he was rolling it around. I asked him what it was and he simply said "Lost my tooth. Number 13. Here you go." That was it. No biggie and it is not under his pillow tonight. He totally forgot I think and I am in no mood to summons the fairy who has to somehow muster up 2 gold dollars! Zach goes to see Dr. Bhatt tomorrow to see about getting braces. Nina Bhatt is a friend of our from baseball and I missed her this year. We kept score together all last year and I had such a great time with her and Ravi (her son).

While we were getting our scans today Jax managed to not be able to shake off a serious case of the giggles. He giggled for about 1/2 hour straight for no reason. Of course all of the women in the office seem to think he is so cute and charming. He's got them all wrapped and fooled!!! :) Little devil!

Nate has been reading up a storm and he just went to his friend CJ's party at Angel Stadium and he had a blast. He is ready to sleep in every day and wear his jammies until noon! He has quite the pitching arm and Zach loves to catch for him.

All three of the boys spend countless hours in the backyard playing baseball. They all pitch, hit and then proceed to beam eachother while running bases with the ball. Hobie just sits in the middle of the grass being totally OCD. Chasing shadows. Obsessing over birds flying overhead. I think he has gone doggy psycho. He even played with Ace the other day and instead of playing he dissed Ace for imaginary shadows. I had better do some research on dogs with OCD.

I guess I should try and sleep. I just had to write to get everything off my chest. I always give myself permission to go to my dark place but I am out now. A little faster than last time I think. It is so theraputic to write. I encourage you to do that when something is eating at you.

I pray for all of you that somehow through our trial there is something that strengthens you or comforts you. God can use these yucky times to shed light on awesome things. Look for the awesome things, find them and hold on tight!

“cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you”(1 Peter 5:7) A friend E-mailed this verse to us today and it reminded both of us how blessed we are because He does care and it is more than evident because of all of you and through all of you. The love you share with all of us is HIM. The Lord is the reason why we endure and perservere.

Thank you for sharing your love and compassion and lives with our family. It is the greatest lesson for our sons. They have learned so much goodness. They are learning how people love eachother and take care of one another. Without this struggle it would be hard to teach them this lesson. Hands on. The best way to learn. Another example of the light that comes out of the darkness.

Smiles and Love to you all,
Lisa