Conversations

Good Morning.

Last night was a very rough night. Gary and I found ourselves talking about things that no one should ever be forced to talk about with their young spouse. They were so raw and painful and I thought that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My eyes are still swollen and puffy and my head is killing me. I think I cried for 2 hours throughout these conversations.

I want to give all of our friends something to ponder. Talk about hard things with your spouse when everything is good. Don't wait until you are in our position and facing what we are possibly facing (I pray you never do) to talk for the first time about extremely important and difficult things having to do with one another, your kids, family, business, money, life, etc......... It is so painful to talk about these things when you are emotionally distraught. Don't stop at just doing your living trust or getting your life insurance in order. TALK. DISCUSS. PLAN. I wish we would have done more of that before now. I know that there is only so much you can do. Do as much as you can. Or not. Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them,

We are feeling the urgency to video tape and write letters and cards. I am going to get birthday cards for the boys - 1 each year for each of them until they turn 25. I will get wedding cards and graduation cards. The birth of their first children. Videotape advice for when they turn 13, 16, 18, 21. We want to share with them our hopes and dreams for them. As I write this I have to actually sit back and look at what I have written because I can't believe I am sitting here having to write all of this. I know this sounds awful. But, while Gary is feeling halfway decent we need to do this just to be prepared if he does not get well. We will both video tape and sign cards and write letters. I think it will be special and easier if we both do this together.

I know without a doubt that if God has plans for Gary to be restored completely and the cancer completely stricken from his body then that IS going to happen. We love all of your prayers and we need them. Everyone of your prayers is heard and God listens. He may not always respond the way we desire him to but he knows. He knows what Gary and I want. He knows what all of you are asking for. Please keep your faith and keep praying and asking.

I am having a hard morning. I rarely ever want time alone. I am not "an alone type of person". This morning I just want to be alone. I hate being alone. those of you who know me very well know this. My perfect day includes people not quiet!

Maybe one day I will wake up and this will be nothing more than my worst nightmare. Wouldn't that be great?
I am not delusional. I know what we are up against. I do have courage. I trust. I know. I am okay.

My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry that you have had to try and follow them - if you actually have made it this deep into my thoughts!

I am going to spend some time now being still and listening. Maybe in my quiet moments I will find wisdom and direction for my day. One day at a time. I am not going to focus on tomorrow but live today.

Gary is going to fight and he is not going to stop fighting this cancer. We are hoping and praying that this new Avastin Therapy coupled with Chemo and some other drugs is going to eradicate the cancer in his liver and continue to shrink the cancer in his pelvis. THIS CAN HAPPEN. Are the odds against us? Yes. But we are going to keep going. We need everyone to fight with us! Don't give up on us! Let's all keep going.

Your words are encouraging and your cards give us strength. Gary knows how loved he is and how amazing our support system is. It means so much to us for not only ourselves but for the boys.

I need to go.
Love & Hugs,
L