Still Here

Gary died 8 weeks ago. I can hardly believe it. Everytime I go to blog I see his picture and it still feels like he is here. 8 weeks. So much has happened in 8 weeks.

Baseball has started. Sleep deprivation has crept in and remained. Medical bills are piling up. Taking the trash cans out. Packing lunches every single day is getting OLD. Finding the right philips screwdriver to fix a drawer is challenging. Security lighting needs to be installed. What else can I complain about? Becoming a true single parent is such an adjustment! So many people are divorced but they still have an EX to help carry the load.

Thanks for letting me vent. Some of you know that about me very well. I do not hold on to things. I get pissed. I vent. I reflect. I gain perspective. I move forward and this all happens pretty quickly. I do not have time to sit around and stew over things. I want to learn from experiences and grow from them. I do not want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

I am really hanging in there. I am fine. Nights are hardest. Seeing his picture and thinking about how sick he was is still hard. Knowing what he endured each day still makes my stomach turn. I have my up times (way more than the down times) and I cherish all of the time I spend with the boys and with my friends. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do. God must think I am special because he has given me so many special people to come along side of my family.

So, I took the message off of my phone so Gary's voice is officially gone. He is still on our answering machine at home but I love that message and I am going to keep it on there. I am getting ready to get rid of both of our vehicles BUT trying to get a new car is so difficult right now. The dealers are out of stock and I really don't want to special order a car and risk losing incentives. It is a little frustrating and thank God I have John and Matt and Steve helping me. The guys at the dealership would so take advantage of me and they have already tried via the telephone! Scheisters they are! Shame on them. I have issues with car salesmen. Even the Fleet Managers are a little tough to work with. I am patient. I can wait for the right opportunity and I will.

I am finally getting a new computer as Gary's has been attacked and eaten by viruses and my Mac is very old. It will be nice to be able to manipulate my blog and actually freely navigate the web without be shut out for not being able to download the newest this or that!

Let's get back to the boys. My boys. They are so awesome. They are all so smart and such great boys. I am so proud of them and I just love them to pieces. They are so sweet to me and try so hard to do what I need them to do. Despite several attempts to be the best they can be I find myself forced to face the truth.They are boys. Small men in the making. Not capable of multi-tasking or picking up towels off the floor or taking their cups out of their sliding shorts or belts off their pants. They spill food everywhere and think that the backseat of our car is their tabletop! They leave their bikes in the middle of the garage and they put empty containers back in the fridge.Sometimes they even forget to flush the toilet - imagine that! Any of you relating to me or am I just not cracking the whip hard enough?

They obviously think I am a human ATM machine especially when we are at the snack shack at the fields. I think I spent over $20 tonight on their dinners and junk! They are going to eat me out of house and home. At the rate they are going they should all grow to be gigantours!

It sounds funny when I read what I have written and there is serious humor there. Sometimes when I am going through the above mentioned "hardships presented to me by the boys" I find it hard to find any shred of humor in it. But because they are the greatest kids and I don't hold on to things for too long I see the joy and funniness in their antics and I can actually laugh about it when I remove myself from it! I just can't get enough of them and I thank God every day that Gary has given me these three beautiful blonde little boys to have in my life. They keep me busy and laughing and humble and so many other things. Cling on kid is doing much better and I am actually able to be away from him a little longer each day it seems. Baby steps for us all. That is all I can ask at this point. We are all on a new learning curve and taking each day as it comes.

Well, off to bed because tomorrow is coming and I am going to have a houseful of girlies from church spending the night at my house and I am sure sleep will not be one of their top priorities. We are playing Laser Tag at the Kaleidoscope and having pizza and shopping! I am really excited to spend time with them.

God is so good and has blessed all of us in different ways. Find your blessings and focus on those. That's what God wants us to do.

Be good to yourselves and love one another!

xoxo
Lisa