AS PROMISED

Here I am - as promised. I told you I would update either Sunday night or Monday morning! Technically it is still morning at
11:50 AM!!
I had to grocery shop and run a few errands. I actually slept in for the first time in YEARS this morning and got out of bed at 8:15. I felt incredibly guilty as there is so much to do and I hate wasting my day.

I have to go to Goodwill and drop off a ton of stuff I cleaned out of the boys playroom and the garage. I have been "summer" cleaning and trying to get rid of things we do not use. If other people can use them that would make me happier than all of it just sitting around here.

So, Saturday morning we were in the doc office with Zach. He has a terrible ear infection and he stayed in bed all day Saturday and Sunday. I think Gary really loved spending all that uninterrupted time with Zach. I cleaned all day Saturday and Sunday I worked and then we went to a party at the Red Bucket Water Park in Ladera and then to a Grad Party for Scarlett! The kids had a blast at the water park - they always do.

Hobie had to go to the vet too this weekend! He had 2 bites and they were looking very infected so we took him. He is on steroids and antibiotics now. Between Gary's meds and vitamins, Zach's meds and ear drops, Hobies meds and cream and my vitamins it is difficult keeping everything straight!

I need to wash my car tonight when it cools down and I think I will get to the gym while the boys are busy playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith. THEY LOVE THAT. I think they love it like they love ROCK BAND!

Gary is feeling awful since he had chemp last Wednesday. He has not been eating much and he has been in bed most of the weekend. THe pain from the radiation recall is bad and he has felt very flu-like since Wednesday. Hopefully he will start to feel more human over the next couple of days so that he can have a break before the next round.

Gotta go! Have a great day!
Love,
Lisa
Done 11:59 AM!

FRIDAY UPDATE

We just got home right now from a long day. We had a doc appt. with Barth this morning. It went really, really well. Dr. Barth was so incredibly nice and really was gentle with Gary. He intimidates Gary so much and truth be known Gary is not the best communicator with Dr. B. I can hardly imagine how Gary feels every day and not being a doctor we both have a limited understanding as to what is going on with Gary's cancer. Every day is different and you have to try really hard not to read anything into either a good day or a bad day. You just have to go with it.

Dr. B really took time with Gary today to listen to him and to try to explain things to him on a non-MD level. It was a very nice way to end our week at the office and to begin our weekend.

Gary will have chemo again July 9th and then we will do some scans on his liver on the 19th to see what the treatment is doing to the cancer. Until then we will just go with the flow and stay positive and enjoy every day! After all, it is SUMMER!!! !

The boys have been playing with friends all day and I got a pizza for them this evening from Costco so that should be easy.
Zach and I are going on a long ocean walk early tomorrow morning together. He has been waiting all week to do this and I keep pushing him off when things come up. We walked around Laguna Niguel Lake yesterday but that walk does not compare to the beach walk! 6 miles and brutal on the way back! Should be fun!

We have birthday parties and Grad parties all weekend. Hobie has to go to the Vet to get his paw checked out. He has some sort of "hot spot" on his front paw.

If anything changes I will Blog. If not, I will update everyone Sunday night or Monday morning.
Have a great Friday Night!
Love, L

Our Neighbor Needs Prayer

Hi everyone. I have a favor to ask. Our neighbor needs some prayers.

Bette (Betty) South is our neighbor and she is 83 (I think). She is a wonderful woman and she lives alone 2 doors down from us. She has faithfully worked for the American Cancer Society for years and she is a fun and vivacious 80 something! She has a home in Mexico and goes there at least 1X a month and her car is ALWAYS loaded full of things for all of the families down there that she helps! She is always concerned for our family, too. She is a very caring and loving woman.

As many of you read a few blogs ago she had fallen and fractured her pelvis and our boys made her cookies and cards and she was so happy! Well, last night she had excruciating pain in her pelvis and was rushed to Saddleback where they discovered she not only has bone cancer but apparently lung cancer as well. They have scanned her body and are in the process of running tests right now to determine exactly what kind of cancer she has.
Bette is a FIGHTER and fiesty!

Here are our prayers: (and if you can think of any more please add them in during your prayer time)
We are praying that people come around Bette. She is a widow.
We are praying that Bette experiences God's grace and feels peace during this uncertain time. I remember when we found out that Gary had cancer. It was devastating.
We are praying that Bette doesn't give up just because she is in her 80's.
We pray she is able to come home soon.
Of course we would love a healing!

Thanks everyone. I thought I would turn to all of you because your prayers obviously work for our family and I think we should share the wealth of prayer with Bette!

Love, Lisa

THURSDAY JUNE 26th

Good Evening. After swimming ALL DAY our boys are still going strong. They managed to lay on the couch for about 1/2 hour to watch SpongeBob and now they are ready to go. Jeanne and Dana brought the kids squirt guns and now they want to use them! Imagine that.

Let me just say that we have been getting AMAZING meals delivered to us! How special it is to get meals delivered to our house that are prepared by our friends. YUM YUM!!! Every little bit off my plate helps tremendously. Thanks to everyone who is bringing us meals!

Well, our house will officially go on the market (tears) very soon. Mrs. Lee (the owner of our home) wants to sell it for $655,000.00. I am afraid that it will sit on the market for a very long time at that price. She is so sad that she has to sell because I know she cares for our family and especially Gary. It is just really BAD timing. I know we lease this home but it has become our home. We have spent hours and hours painting it and landscaping the yard and decorating it and loving this house. We wanted to make it special for our family regardless of whether or not we owned it. We had every intention of hopefully buying it someday but now that will not happen given our current state of affairs. Our home is the constant in our lives. The kids friends and school are so important to them. If it sells and we have to move it will be truly sad. I don't know if I told you but the other night Gary was so overcome with saddness and anger that he questioned whether God hated him. Everything is just so emotional right now.

I will tell you that I have peace. No matter what happens I will continue to believe that God is with us and wants the absolute best for our family. We will need to make some decisions soon as to when we need to move. Do we wait until it sells? Do we try and find a place now? It is so hard to know what to do and the thought of moving makes me sick to my stomach. Like I said before God is always with us and so I will not stress over it (too, too much).

Gary is fairly sick from the chemo and we have an appointment with Dr. Barth tomorrow. I am dreading it so much. He seems to always try and make us feel like we are 2 feet tall. It is so hard to talk to him and even harder to understand him. We will kame our list out tonight of things to discuss.

We signed the kids up for Kids Factory for the summer. It is run through Capo School District and the program is every day from 8:30 AM to 12:30 PM. Can you believe the cost is only $20.00 per kid FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMER! You can send your kids EVERY SINGLE DAY! They love the people who run it and they play games and have art and on Fridays it is water day! It is at a school in Mission Viejo and if anyone is interested in the program you can E-mail me directly and I will give you more information. lisa@mountainviewchurch.com.

Dinner is ready - YUMMY Spaghetti Pie! I need to feed the crew so I am off!

I hope you all have a GREAT Friday and I will update with our doc details tomorrow evening!
Love to all,
Lisa

TUESDAY MORNING

Let's talk about Viejo Little League 9 year-old ALL STAR Team! I do not think I have ever mentioned this but I am feeling pressure to talk about this in my blog today so I will.

Zach is on the All Star Team. I never mentioned it because while it is an accomplishment I also know many people whose kids were not chosen to be on the team. I never want anyone to feel bad. It was easier not to mention it so I haven't. Zach deserves a little "blog time" so here goes.

We have a great team of boys! They each have things to contribute to the team and all of the boys get along well. Last night we had a pool party and it was so much fun watching the boys play together off the field.

They won their game last night against Ladera! YEAH!!! The final score was 15-6! They played an amazing game and deserved this win! Zach was on a team this season that had a lot of heart but lost almost every game and it was rough on Zach. This is such a great experience for him. I am really happy for the team! Our next game is Wednesday at 5 PM at the Lake Fields!
GO VIEJO ALL STARS!!!!!

Yesterday was a very rocky day at the doc office. Gary is having a difficult time with pain management. I am having a difficult time trying to help him. Back and forth we go. It is awful being in pain BUT is it also awful watching the person you love be in so much pain. I get very protective of him. We made no headway with trying to figure out why he is in so much pain and how to handle it. Prayer and time will reveal the answer. Patience is essential. I can try to be more patient!

We are off to the beach. The boys are excited! I hope it is still really, really warm! I have to go into the office later and then take Zach to practice! Tomorrow is Chemotherapy all over again. Poor Gary. Keep him in your prayers.

Have a great Tuesday!

Love, L

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED - NOT CANCER RELATED

We are in need of prayer.

We are leasing our home in Laguna Niguel and the owner surprised Gary with a call this morning telling him that she is now selling our home. Her husband has been out of work for a year and they can no longer hold on to it. We love our home and our neighbors and the kids school. This is exactly where we want to be but obviously God has different plans for us.

This is very stressful for us right now. Gary is absolutely SICK over this. He is really taking this blow HARD. A move was something we never anticipated on top of everything else. Our home is one thing that has been a source of stability for our kids and family.

Networking is always the best way to do things so I thought I would send out our SOS and see if anyone we know knows anything.

We will need to find another home to lease in this area. If anyone knows of anyone trying to lease their home or if you have a home for lease we would love to find out about it.

The real estate agent is coming to our house tomorrow at 11. We are understandably devastated as we thought we had 5 years here if we needed it and so far we have needed it.

My heart aches as I have come to love my house but I know that a home is where your heart is and we are all together and THAT is what matters!

Thanks friends and family!
Love to all,
Lisa

Saturday June 21

Hotter than Hell is what it is today!

Today we were are the fields until 1 PM and then we brought Gary home to rest. Everyone just wanted to be home and cool off today. The boys and I swam for a while and then we came home to escape the afternoon heat. We were planning on going to the beach today to celebrate TG's homecoming but I did not want to go without Gary and the boys were exhausted.

Gary is still in pain but he never complains! He is my hero and what an amazing example he sets each day for our boys. When you are in the thick of things sometimes you don't realize the impact you have on those around you. He is a hero not only to me but to our boys. He keeps going, tries to keep smiling and he stays in the middle of our lives - all the time! I hope someday I achieve his greatness! He defines grace under pressure!

I am so excited for Sunday! I love going to church. We have the greatest church! I just love all of our families and all of the kids in my ministry.

Tired and lazy are two words to describe me right now. I am going to sign off and wash my face, brush my teeth and and finish watching The Game Plan.

Have a wonderful Sunday! Sorry this blog has been boring. We will know for sure what is going on with Gary this week so stay tuned!

Love, L

Friday June 20

Hi everyone.
I am sorry I have not updated since Father's Day. It has been a rough week for Gary and a hectic week with end of school things, parties and summer starting. I have managed to get in a few hours Thursday and Friday at the beach. The boys could live there. I love that they love it sooooooo much. There is no other place I would rather be than at the beach. It is my safe haven. My natural valium! I feel closest to God when I am there and I always feel refreshed and rested when I am there. I have needed that this week.

Let me start by saying that Gary is home. He is hanging tough. I will give you a run down of what's been going on the past week.

Before the Gary update I wanted to ask for some prayer for a family who has suffered a tragic loss. Dan was 36 years old husband and father to 3 small children. He suffered a softball injury a month back and had to have several screws placed in his broken leg. Evidentally, he suffered an embolism stemming from this injury and he died yesterday morning. His wife, Barbara, is now left alone with their 3 young children. Please pray for them. They need ALL of our prayers right now. It is the one way we can all support this family through this horrifically difficult time. Thank you in advance for your prayers.
Gary is in pain. He is struggling right now. He is no longer driving because we had to up his pain medication. We have no idea why he is in so much pain. The doc is speculating and really does not know for sure. It could very well be radiation recall but as we get further away from his last dose of radiation (March 6th) I grow suspicious because it seems like he should be getting better - not worse.

Now that the cancer has spread to his liver we are hoping and praying it has not spread anywhere else. Yesterday we visitied the urologist and he mentioned that he saw "shadows on both of Gary's kidneys". Shadows? What the hell are those? He just had an MRI 3 weeks ago and there was nothing on his kidneys. His levels were great as well. So, now we have this information and I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do with it. I HATE uncertainty.

Dr. B's office is not convinced that it is going to turn out to be anything but they have not seen the film yet. This time I am stressing. I have felt physically ill over the past few days. The beach relaxed me for a few hours today and going out tonight was an added bonus.

The boys and I went out to dinner with S&S and the kids had a great time. Gary did not want dinner but I brought some chocolate to him.

I have been very worried about him. The amazing thing is that he looks so amazingly good! I can see the pain on his face but his appearance is the same as it has always been.

I do not even know what to ask all of you to pray for. Our family desires your prayers and we need them to keep our strength up. We always want your prayers for
COMPLETE HEALING & RESTORATION for Gary
Strength and Insight
Pain relief - being able to lower pain meds so that Gary can drive
Peace & Patience
Calm

I need to get to bed. It has been a long day and I want to finish watching Casino. I forgot how violent this movie was.

Thanks for letting me bend your ear!

Love,
L

BTW - If you are someone who has left me a message on my cell and I have not returned your call know that A. you are not the only one and B. I am not trying to be rude. I am trying to keep up with everything right now and I am falling a bit short. I am not ignoring you!! :)

Happy Fathers Day

Hello Fathers!
We wanted to wish all of the fathers out there a Happy Fathers Day! We hope you had a wonderful day filled with everything you love to do and filled with family fun time! After church we went swimming while Zach spent the day at P & C's swimming and playing and having a great time! We all reconviened (is that how you spell that?) around 3 PM for fathers Day Festivities.

The boys were so incredibly excited to give Gary his Fathers Day gifts and cards. They all made him super special cards and got him a 1/2 lb. of his favorite See's Candy and a scruffy dog from Build A Bear. They named him "Hero" for their Dad and they stuffed that scruffy dog full of hearts and love! Jax is actually sleeping with Hero tonight. It was awesome!

Gary was able to make it downstairs for a while tonight to join in the activities. Steph, Steve & kids came over to swim and then bar b que. We had so much fun and the kids played baseball and pickle in the back yard for hours!

Gary has not had a great weekend. He was able to make it to part of Zach's baseball game yesterday but he has been stricken with pain. He had a tough day today as well. After having a terrible phone conversation with Dr. Barth we decided not to admit Gary at Hoag but to try and figure things out tomorrow. If that means admitting him tomorrow then we will do that. We can't seem to get his pain under control.

Dr. Barth is an amazing doctor and we feel so blessed to have him BUT he is very unkind a vast majority of the time to both Gary and me. He speaks to us in a condescending tone and it is disturbing. Sometimes when we are having problems we do not want to call because we do not want to be treated that way. I understand that he has an incredibly difficult job and I respect that. He seems to have no respect for Gary or for me and he DOES NOT understand what we are going through on the other end. I know he has feelings and I thought he was fond of Gary but I am thinking I was wrong. Gary does not want to confront Dr. Barth because he is fearful of losing him as a doctor. I have to respect Gary and not say anything. I wish he knew how unkind he was to us but then again maybe he does not care. His job is to help Gary but I wish he could be decent to us while doing that.

So, tomorrow we have Jax's kindergarten ceremony and then up to the doc office to get hydrated and figure out why Gary is in so much pain. I hope we get to see Nicole - the PA.

Off to bed.

Good Night and Sleep Tight!
Love,
L

Cocktails

Evening Greetings!

I bet the title of this E-mail leads you to think that we are going to talk about booze. No booze although Stephanie and I ordered a drink last night that tasted like Robitussin! You think we would have learned our lesson at Disneyland but we obviously did not. We tried to drink it while pinching our noses but it never happened. That drink was not worth the calories.

Gary woke up not feeling well at all today. We were up until 2 AM watching t.v. because of the steroids they give him with the chemo treatments. Gary's cocktails are seriously different than my idea of a cocktail. He just got the Cisplatin/Gemcitabine combo yesterday. Chemo is so nasty and it affects him immediately. He feels like he has the case of the flu X10 and he is in pain - abdominal and stomach. It comes in intense waves. It is debilitating. I feel so bad for him. I can't even imagine.

He had his MRI this morning and we should have the results to that early next week. Tomorrow he will need to be hydrated in the morning and he will hopefully be able to go to Nate's school performance.

My staff retreat at the beach is tomorrow. I am a little nervous about how sick Gary is and I think I will have to go back and forth rather than staying there the entire time.

Zach has a baseball game Saturday night and Father's Day is right around the corner. I forgot to send the gifts to both Gary's Dad and my Dad but better late than never!

The boys are so excited to be out of school soon and I am too. Hopefully the June Gloom will not last long! We like our beach days warm and sunny. I think that is the most exciting part of being out of school. The beach. The sound of the waves. The smell of the ocean. The warm sand between our toes. Conversations with friends. Lazy days in the sunshine. Walks on the pier. Body Boarding. Surfing. I could go on and on. I can hardly wait.

When I am in a reflective place the beach is where I go. If I am upset or need to make a decision - I head to the water. It revitalizes me and brings clarity to my mind. I feel closest to God when I am there.

I hope and pray that tomorrow is a better day for Gary. He is so amazing and such a trooper. Let's pray that God restores his body and releases him from the hold that this nasty cancer has on him now. I want all of the cancer to be gone forever! That is my prayer!

Have a great night. Smile and Hugs,
L

Change of Plans

Hi. Quick update.

We have an appointment to see Dr. B tomorrow (Wednesday) at 10 AM. Gary will more than likely be getting chemo. He has had an off day today with lots of stomach pain.

I came home tonight to find out that Zach is not feeling well. I guess we will see how he does in the morning as to whether or not he will be going to school. That would be quite the curve ball!

Off to bed.

Good Night.
L

Sallee Calendar of Events

Gary had an okay day. He drove me around this morning and then he took Zach to the batting cages and they worked on his "new & improved" swing. He did lots of laundry (OMG we have so much stinking laundry) and he did dishes. He fixed the door to the snack bar and tried to fix the soda fountain machine. Let's hope it works! The boys swam this afternoon and then this evening ended their day by fighting over the last cookie. That darn cookie is so important. I swear to you that I wish the only thing that I was overly concerned about was a cookie that someone else ate. If life were that uncomplicated I would be one happy girl.

I love that Gary is able to drive. I HATE DRIVING! I missed it when he could not drive. I hope that he can continue to stay on low doses of pain meds so that he can drive me around all the time. I know that sounds so selfish but I already told you how much I hated driving.

We have too many things going on this week. It's only Monday and I am overwhelmed. School performances (they all have them) & end of the year this and that. Baseball practice & Girls Night Out (YEAH!). Meetings, doctors, chemo, MRI's. Quiet time - can I fit that in somewhere? Staff Retreat & All Star Game (GO VIEJO). Dinner with friends (love that) and Father's Day with more friends (love that, too!) Coffee & the gym (NEED THAT DAILY FOR SANITY). I could go on and on but I won't because I know all of you know how crazy life is with a family. The only difference for us is that we have the cancer factor added in! We are all busy and torn in so many directions. That is why I love summer so much. No more lunches and no more homework. No more schedules or projects. Less laundry since the boys live in trunks and sandals! Let's hear it for summer!

Our neighbor Bette is 81 1/2. She runs the Discovery Cancer Center and is very active with the American Cancer Society. She does amazing things for kids with cancer and she is helping to run the Relay For Life this month at Saddleback College. She is a wonderful person and is one of the most giving women I have ever met. She really has a heart of gold.

Anyhow, Bette fell this week while trimming her roses and apparently had a blackout that caused the fall. She is pretty banged up and she fractured her pelvis. So, she is on the couch and down & out for a while. The boys sat at the kitchen table for an hour this afternoon and made awesome cards for her and we baked sugar cookies and took the cards and cookies to her. We are so proud of our boys. Obviously all the amazing things everyone does for our family is rubbing off on them because they were so giving this afternoon. They were so excited to do these cards and go to her house. She loved them and put them on her mantle and they put a smile on her face. She ended up giving them new beanie babies - a baseball bear, a skunk named stinky and a red cardinal (Zach LOVES cardinals). It was a nice visit all the way around!

Gary and I just finished watching the Bachelorette! Okay - I admit I forced Gary to watch. I LOVE that show. The guys are worse than the chicks! Whiney and Competitive. I think some of them just want to win. Anyhow, great entertainment. Mindless fun!

Gary has chemo scheduled for friday. I am trying to move it because of my retreat and Nate's school performance. I am not sure when to schedule it. He is sick from the time he gets it so no day is a good day. I am sure we will figure it out!

Good bye and Good Night.
Have a happy sleep.

Love,
L

Sunday

Hello. I wanted to update before heading off to bed.

Yesterday was a horrible day for Gary. He was really not feeling well. He has been taking more pain medication to try to offset the abdominal and hip pain he has been experiencing. It seems to help a little. He really doesn't want to take it because then he can't drive and driving is such a freedom we all take for granted. So, he barely got out of bed all day yesterday. I was a bit more worried about him than usual but he does go up and down sometimes.

Well, today was a completely different day. I can tell that he struggled through the day but I will give you a breakdown of what we did. Gary got up and got the kids ready for church and arrived at 8:30 AM for prayer time. He then went and picked Nate up from a sleepover and came back to church where he dropped Nate off and picked Zach up to take him to practice. He sat at practice for 2 hours and then I dropped the other two off with him and he took all three home. He played baseball in the backyard and caught for Zach's pitches. He rested for about 1/2 hour before joining the boys and I at the pool. He then swam with the boys and played 3 flies up. We came home and had dinner together. He then watered the yard, did laundry, packed lunches, laid the boys clothes out for the morning, did Jax's homework with him and did all of the dishes!
He put the boys to bed and we are finally resting now at 8:45! WHAT A MAN!!!!!

Needless to say, we had a much better day today. I hope tomorrow follows suit but we won't know until the sun comes up!
I went to Sharon's house today with my friend Jenn to pick out tons of wonderful cards that Gary and I will need to start working on for the boys. She was so incredibly gracious and it was nice that Jenn spent time helping me.
I feel a little stronger this afternoon. I think when Gary feels better I feel better about things. It gives me a sense of hope that

Gary is fighting and that there is still time for God to intervene and answer our prayers with complete healing. Maybe. I have to hold out hope and Gary does as well.

Thank God only 1 more full week of school left! YEAH!!!!

Off to bed.
Love to all,
L

Conversations

Good Morning.

Last night was a very rough night. Gary and I found ourselves talking about things that no one should ever be forced to talk about with their young spouse. They were so raw and painful and I thought that my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My eyes are still swollen and puffy and my head is killing me. I think I cried for 2 hours throughout these conversations.

I want to give all of our friends something to ponder. Talk about hard things with your spouse when everything is good. Don't wait until you are in our position and facing what we are possibly facing (I pray you never do) to talk for the first time about extremely important and difficult things having to do with one another, your kids, family, business, money, life, etc......... It is so painful to talk about these things when you are emotionally distraught. Don't stop at just doing your living trust or getting your life insurance in order. TALK. DISCUSS. PLAN. I wish we would have done more of that before now. I know that there is only so much you can do. Do as much as you can. Or not. Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them,

We are feeling the urgency to video tape and write letters and cards. I am going to get birthday cards for the boys - 1 each year for each of them until they turn 25. I will get wedding cards and graduation cards. The birth of their first children. Videotape advice for when they turn 13, 16, 18, 21. We want to share with them our hopes and dreams for them. As I write this I have to actually sit back and look at what I have written because I can't believe I am sitting here having to write all of this. I know this sounds awful. But, while Gary is feeling halfway decent we need to do this just to be prepared if he does not get well. We will both video tape and sign cards and write letters. I think it will be special and easier if we both do this together.

I know without a doubt that if God has plans for Gary to be restored completely and the cancer completely stricken from his body then that IS going to happen. We love all of your prayers and we need them. Everyone of your prayers is heard and God listens. He may not always respond the way we desire him to but he knows. He knows what Gary and I want. He knows what all of you are asking for. Please keep your faith and keep praying and asking.

I am having a hard morning. I rarely ever want time alone. I am not "an alone type of person". This morning I just want to be alone. I hate being alone. those of you who know me very well know this. My perfect day includes people not quiet!

Maybe one day I will wake up and this will be nothing more than my worst nightmare. Wouldn't that be great?
I am not delusional. I know what we are up against. I do have courage. I trust. I know. I am okay.

My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry that you have had to try and follow them - if you actually have made it this deep into my thoughts!

I am going to spend some time now being still and listening. Maybe in my quiet moments I will find wisdom and direction for my day. One day at a time. I am not going to focus on tomorrow but live today.

Gary is going to fight and he is not going to stop fighting this cancer. We are hoping and praying that this new Avastin Therapy coupled with Chemo and some other drugs is going to eradicate the cancer in his liver and continue to shrink the cancer in his pelvis. THIS CAN HAPPEN. Are the odds against us? Yes. But we are going to keep going. We need everyone to fight with us! Don't give up on us! Let's all keep going.

Your words are encouraging and your cards give us strength. Gary knows how loved he is and how amazing our support system is. It means so much to us for not only ourselves but for the boys.

I need to go.
Love & Hugs,
L

Quick

I have to get to my staff meeting but I wanted to give you all the information I have with regards to what happened today at Dr. Barth's office.

Today was not a good day or a promising day by any means. Gary's cancer has spread to his liver. The mass in his pelvis is still shrinking and that seems to be good news. His pelvic masses have shrunk about 45% so far. Unfortunately, the cancer is now presenting itself in his liver. The size of the tumor is moderate at 2.6 cm. Dr. Barth does not want to mess with it right now because as he says "Where there is smoke there is more than likely fire". He could have more spots that just are not detectable at this point in time. Looking back to the April scans you can see a very tiny shadow on Gary's liver and it has grown significantly over the past 6 weeks.

Not having therapy because of the struggles Gary was having with side effects has certainly led to the spreading of this aggressive cancer. Just so you all know it is bladder cancer NOT liver cancer.

Now we are backed into a corner and we have to do something. We are backed into a corner and doing nothing because Gary is not well enough is not an option. The molecular therapy has potentially damaging side effects for Gary with his bowels being compromised but Barth started him on the molecular therapy today. He will have chemo next week and he will keep repeating the regimen (Avastin 1 week chemo the next Avastin the following week chemo the next and so on). This is the plan as of right this moment. Things could change and more than likely will depending upon how well Gary tolerates the Avastin.

So, wow I would be untruthful if I told you I was completely okay with all of this. I need a day to process this new discovery and get my head in the right place. Gary is doing okay and I think he is in shock still. He says he is more than fine and he is not worried at all. I hope and pray this is true.

If any of you have done research on the internet about bladder cancer you would know that things do not look good for survival at all. Gary never does research do I do not ever share with him my findings and neither does Dr. Barth because there is no point. Treatment is still the same. A POSITIVE attitude is imperative!

I really do not want to talk on the phone right now. I promise it is nothing personal against any of you but I think I just need to be quiet and still and just think. I will be back to my chatty self tomorrow.

We love all of you and we keep you all close in our hearts.
Love, Me

Tuesday

We just watched Transformers for the first time. I did not think I would like it but it was a good movie. We have hesitated in letting the boys see it. It seems as if most of our friends have allowed their kids to see it and I am sure in the boys eyes we were the last parents on the whole entire earth that had not allowed their kids to see this movie. We seem to be extremely conservative. Maybe too much but we would rather be cautious than expose them to things they don't need to be exposed to at their ages.

I thought one of the scenes was completely inappropriate for the boys. Someone who had seen the movie said that there was a scene that was like "a second" long about masturbation. Hello!!! A second? I think they say the word 3 or 4 times and dwell on it for at least 30 seconds. I can only hope that it went over their heads and that they have no clue what that is. My guilt has set in. Other than that scene and a few choice words the movie was action packed and entertaining. The kids loved it and I am not going to grill them to see if they even know what masturbation is. Ignorance might be bliss in this case! (Gary agrees).

The boys are in the backyard playing baseball and they have to get into the shower in a minute to get ready for bed. 7:30 PM is a beautiful time of the day. It is alone time for Gary and I. We only have a few more weeks of it before school is out and bedtimes change.

Dr. Nina Bhatt saw Zach today. She is an orthodontist whose son plays in our little league (I told you all that yesterday but I am not banking on all of you having read the blog yesterday so I will repeat myself). She was so great with Zach and he of course loves her. Zach will not be getting braces until he has more permanent teeth. YEAH!! 1 phase and it will be done! Thank you Nina for taking good care of us. If anyone needs an ortho she should be your ortho! She is right next to Mission Viejo High School and she will treat you like she would treat her own children!

After we drop the kids off at school we are going to head up to Dr. Barth's office to find out the results of the scans. Pray for peace and rest for us tonight. We need a little bit of both. Hopefully we will come home to blog excellent news.
Enough said. Short and sweet tonight unlike last night.

Have a great evening!
Love,
L

Range of Emotions

First of all, please don't get sick of our cancer. Don't drop off. This is a long journey and I do not want to be on this road alone. Gary does not either. We need our support system surrounding us and holding us up. I know many of you think I am some kind of super woman but I assure you that I am able to be the way I am because of your love and support. Your cards and your jokes. My martini time and girls nights out. My accountability times and prayer. Your phone calls and E-mails. It all keeps me going.

I can't even remember the last time I posted but I know it was sometime last week so I will get everyone caught up to date. This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks since January for Gary and for me.

Last Friday the doctor called us and changed our CT scans to today at 1:15 PM. So, we had the scans done and now we wait until Wednesday at 9 AM to find out what the cancer either is or is not doing. I am glad I took Gary today because he was in so much pain that his nurse ended up giving him a good dose of IV dilaudid. I think it took the edge off for a while.

Gary's pain resurfaced late last week. Anyone who has seen him can tell something is different. Maybe you think he looks tired. Maybe you just think something is off a little. Well, he is not tired but the change in his appearance is because of the amount of pain he is in. His right hip is killing him and he tries so hard not to let anyone see his struggle. He was down to very little pain medication and now he is taking pain meds 6 extra times a day to try to manage his pain.

He does not see me watch him. He does not notice that I watch his every move. He forgets that I sat in the hospital with him for a month and I know his facial expressions and I know the way he holds himself when he is in pain. I see him slink around the corner when his pain is so bad and he doesn't want any of us to see it on his face. I know Gary and that is what scares me so much. I have not seen him like this since we started treatment.

What is causing this severe pain? I catch myself speculating and then abruptly stop because I should not be doing that. I broke down tonight watching him trying to get into bed and trying to get comfortable. How can this be happening to him? He is such an amazing person. A magnificent father and a husband. He is just this amazing force and loving soul. Attentive. Caring. Thoughtful. Funny. Strong. Quiet. Loyal. A wonderful listener. The list goes on and on and on.

I HATE CANCER. CANCER SUCKS. BEYOND SUCKS. It is EVIL. NO ONE should have to ever go through what we are going through. Is all the treatment worth it when the quality of life is so compromised? It is bad then gets good then gets bad then good and so on.

I can't even tell you how emotionally stressful things have been over this past weekend and we begin to think about this journey. First we are misdiagnosed. Then we have surgeons who take matters into their own hands and convince us that surgery alone is the answer. They got it all. Bye. See you in 3 months. It spreads. Then treatment seems to be working. Cancer is shrinking. Gary is getting sooooo much better. BOOM. Now we back slide again. Here we are. A different pain. Excruciating. Right hip. What the hell is it?

Once again I am trying not to think about what it could be. It is sickening and gut wrenchingly difficult. Last night Gary was in bed and he was just plain broken and he curled up next to me and whispered "I just don't want to be in pain anymore. When is this going to stop?" These words come from my strong husband who has rarely ever been sick and who is always a commanding presence in our lives. Never in a million years could I have ever envisioned my spouse in this position. Once again I feel completely and utterly helpless. I feel like that most of the time when it comes to Gary's health. I look at him when he is fast asleep and it is hard for me to believe that he is so sick.

I know I am more emotional because I am tired and a little run down. I have been pretty under the weather for about 6 days and am finally feeling more human. The only thing that seems to be hanging on is my annoying cough that keeps me up most of the night. I even took Histenex and nothing. Hopefully I get rest tonight.

God has given me my Gary Gift. We have had 12 years of marriage that has been blessed with 3 healthy children and so many wonderful times. I hold on to those times to get me through these times. There will be more of those times. I just have to hold on and help Gary through these times that sometimes seem impossible to bear. He told me tonight that he is fighting so hard for the boys and for me. We are what keeps him going. He is NOT going down without one hell of a fight. There will be many battles to fight. We will win some and lose others. Right now it appears as if we are losing this little battle but we don't even know what we are fighting. Maybe it is just a pulled muscle. We will see. There are many more battles to win and hopefully win the final battle and get rid of this disgusting cancer.

On to a rosier subject. The boys.

Zach was in the backseat and out of the corner of my eye I saw something white in his hand and he was rolling it around. I asked him what it was and he simply said "Lost my tooth. Number 13. Here you go." That was it. No biggie and it is not under his pillow tonight. He totally forgot I think and I am in no mood to summons the fairy who has to somehow muster up 2 gold dollars! Zach goes to see Dr. Bhatt tomorrow to see about getting braces. Nina Bhatt is a friend of our from baseball and I missed her this year. We kept score together all last year and I had such a great time with her and Ravi (her son).

While we were getting our scans today Jax managed to not be able to shake off a serious case of the giggles. He giggled for about 1/2 hour straight for no reason. Of course all of the women in the office seem to think he is so cute and charming. He's got them all wrapped and fooled!!! :) Little devil!

Nate has been reading up a storm and he just went to his friend CJ's party at Angel Stadium and he had a blast. He is ready to sleep in every day and wear his jammies until noon! He has quite the pitching arm and Zach loves to catch for him.

All three of the boys spend countless hours in the backyard playing baseball. They all pitch, hit and then proceed to beam eachother while running bases with the ball. Hobie just sits in the middle of the grass being totally OCD. Chasing shadows. Obsessing over birds flying overhead. I think he has gone doggy psycho. He even played with Ace the other day and instead of playing he dissed Ace for imaginary shadows. I had better do some research on dogs with OCD.

I guess I should try and sleep. I just had to write to get everything off my chest. I always give myself permission to go to my dark place but I am out now. A little faster than last time I think. It is so theraputic to write. I encourage you to do that when something is eating at you.

I pray for all of you that somehow through our trial there is something that strengthens you or comforts you. God can use these yucky times to shed light on awesome things. Look for the awesome things, find them and hold on tight!

“cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you”(1 Peter 5:7) A friend E-mailed this verse to us today and it reminded both of us how blessed we are because He does care and it is more than evident because of all of you and through all of you. The love you share with all of us is HIM. The Lord is the reason why we endure and perservere.

Thank you for sharing your love and compassion and lives with our family. It is the greatest lesson for our sons. They have learned so much goodness. They are learning how people love eachother and take care of one another. Without this struggle it would be hard to teach them this lesson. Hands on. The best way to learn. Another example of the light that comes out of the darkness.

Smiles and Love to you all,
Lisa