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A hard weekend. Don't get me wrong. We did have a few hours here and there when we were all smiling and having a great time.
The boys had behavior issues and last night was an extremely hard night. We stayed up together until 8:30 PM crying and talking through so many things about Gary and about not having a father anymore and anger and fear and decisions and so much more. It is exhausting.
I am off to the post office and to run some more errands. I need a break from the emotional.
Have a great day!
xo,
Lisa
Monday, April 27, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Funny Conversation
We are on our way home from my staff meeting today and Zach starts busting up out of the blue. He begins to remind me of our trip to Catalina a few summers ago.
I took the kids to Catalina to visit friends who were staying over there. I needed some R&R. The boys and I went to Lovers Cove with our friends to do a little snorkeling. Once we arrived, Nate and Jax wimped out and wouldn't go in the water.
So, we buy the food to feed the fish, get our masks and snorkels on, and Zach and I head out into the warm water.
We get out there and this cove is teeming with Girabaldi. It was pretty cool.
So, I take out some of the food (that is supose to be in a waterproof baggie) and I feed some of the fish.
Somehow I forgot (no blonde pokes) that I had another bag tucked into my string bikini bottom (you know, that waterproof bag). I am trying to be nice and feed these little fishies and all hell breaks loose. To make a very embarrassing and long story short the fish absolutely ascended upon my lower half and I was beyond surrounded by them. They were everywhere. The water turned orange in every direction.
What do you think I did? Of course I did. I started screaming and frantically swimming toward the shore. I do something similar to that on land at the beach when a bee seems to hover right around me and won't go away. I am that girl running down the beach swatting at the air to try to outrun a bee who I am positive is determined to sting me and probably right on my butt!
Zach is cracking up as he watches me FREAK out. I can tell you that I was not laughing at the time but now I can laugh and we did just that this afternoon in the car together. It must have been pretty funny to see that! It is so NEAT that the boys NEVER EVER forget anything like that.
That was a great trip and I am looking forward to taking the boys to Maui in August. This time, no food for me in the water. I will simply observe and maybe I will learn how to scuba finally.
The house is finally quiet and I think I am going to get myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. They are so yummy! Hopefully I can watch something entertaining on TV.
Have the best night!
Love,
L
I took the kids to Catalina to visit friends who were staying over there. I needed some R&R. The boys and I went to Lovers Cove with our friends to do a little snorkeling. Once we arrived, Nate and Jax wimped out and wouldn't go in the water.
So, we buy the food to feed the fish, get our masks and snorkels on, and Zach and I head out into the warm water.
We get out there and this cove is teeming with Girabaldi. It was pretty cool.
So, I take out some of the food (that is supose to be in a waterproof baggie) and I feed some of the fish.
Somehow I forgot (no blonde pokes) that I had another bag tucked into my string bikini bottom (you know, that waterproof bag). I am trying to be nice and feed these little fishies and all hell breaks loose. To make a very embarrassing and long story short the fish absolutely ascended upon my lower half and I was beyond surrounded by them. They were everywhere. The water turned orange in every direction.
What do you think I did? Of course I did. I started screaming and frantically swimming toward the shore. I do something similar to that on land at the beach when a bee seems to hover right around me and won't go away. I am that girl running down the beach swatting at the air to try to outrun a bee who I am positive is determined to sting me and probably right on my butt!
Zach is cracking up as he watches me FREAK out. I can tell you that I was not laughing at the time but now I can laugh and we did just that this afternoon in the car together. It must have been pretty funny to see that! It is so NEAT that the boys NEVER EVER forget anything like that.
That was a great trip and I am looking forward to taking the boys to Maui in August. This time, no food for me in the water. I will simply observe and maybe I will learn how to scuba finally.
The house is finally quiet and I think I am going to get myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. They are so yummy! Hopefully I can watch something entertaining on TV.
Have the best night!
Love,
L
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Exotic Locations
Ok. I want to go somewhere exotic.
No kids.
Just thinking and possibly planning for July.
It has to be tropical and beautiful with plenty of things to do.
I would prefer an all inclusive resort as well.
I have always wanted to go to Turks & Caicos but if anyone else has any other interesting suggestions then please share!
I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing locations you have all visited or know about!
BTW - We are doing well and getting ready for another night of baseball and late bedtimes.
Happy Day and do share when you have a chance - that is IF you have anything to share.
xo
L
No kids.
Just thinking and possibly planning for July.
It has to be tropical and beautiful with plenty of things to do.
I would prefer an all inclusive resort as well.
I have always wanted to go to Turks & Caicos but if anyone else has any other interesting suggestions then please share!
I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing locations you have all visited or know about!
BTW - We are doing well and getting ready for another night of baseball and late bedtimes.
Happy Day and do share when you have a chance - that is IF you have anything to share.
xo
L
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Easter Blessings
Hi everyone. We spent a few days in Rancho Mirage with a bunch of friends and had THE BEST TIME! I think it was one of the best trips I have been on. We went with some friends from baseball and most of our families are heavily "boy populated" and all of the boys got along and it was just a great trip. The hotel was awesome and it was a great little get away.
For the first time in a very long time I did not feel lonely. There are people around me and sure the kids are always with me but I do feel very "3rd wheelish" and lonely a lot of the time. I do not expect anyone to understand unless your spouse has died and I am sure it is hard for any of you to believe that I could ever be lonely or feel socially weird but I do and it is very real to me.
The boys and I did not want to come home. Back to reality. Life is so much easier for me when I am not home. I realized the tremendous stress I am under as soon as I got away from it. I felt like a different person and it was good for me to get myself out from under that stress.
In light of Easter Sunday I wanted to share something that Nate wrote. Nate was given this assignment about 2 weeks ago and he wrote this report all by himself. This was an oral report so he shared this with the entire class.
My Hero by Nate Sallee
My hero is Jesus.
Jesus was born in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. He is my hero because he died on the cross for our sins. People who believe in Him shall live with Him for eternity.
My Dad died January 10, 2009 at the age of 43. He was a believer in Jesus and is now living with Jesus because Jesus got on that cross for my Dad and for me and for all of us. Jesus was the one who made this great world. He is always by our side no matter what happens. He will love us all no matter what.
Jesus only lived until he was 33. That is a very short lifespan especially for our Holy Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to show us all how to live and then He died on the cross so that all of the bad things we do would be forgiven.
He will live in our heart all of the time. We cannnot see Him but he is in our hearts forever just like my Dad.
Thank you for your attention.
So appropriately put by an 8 year-old. I feel very blessed to have a son who thinks this way. I hope all of my boys feel the same way about God, Jesus and their Dad.
Happy Easter to everyone. How blessed we all are.
Love and Hugs All Around,
Lisa
For the first time in a very long time I did not feel lonely. There are people around me and sure the kids are always with me but I do feel very "3rd wheelish" and lonely a lot of the time. I do not expect anyone to understand unless your spouse has died and I am sure it is hard for any of you to believe that I could ever be lonely or feel socially weird but I do and it is very real to me.
The boys and I did not want to come home. Back to reality. Life is so much easier for me when I am not home. I realized the tremendous stress I am under as soon as I got away from it. I felt like a different person and it was good for me to get myself out from under that stress.
In light of Easter Sunday I wanted to share something that Nate wrote. Nate was given this assignment about 2 weeks ago and he wrote this report all by himself. This was an oral report so he shared this with the entire class.
My Hero by Nate Sallee
My hero is Jesus.
Jesus was born in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. He is my hero because he died on the cross for our sins. People who believe in Him shall live with Him for eternity.
My Dad died January 10, 2009 at the age of 43. He was a believer in Jesus and is now living with Jesus because Jesus got on that cross for my Dad and for me and for all of us. Jesus was the one who made this great world. He is always by our side no matter what happens. He will love us all no matter what.
Jesus only lived until he was 33. That is a very short lifespan especially for our Holy Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to show us all how to live and then He died on the cross so that all of the bad things we do would be forgiven.
He will live in our heart all of the time. We cannnot see Him but he is in our hearts forever just like my Dad.
Thank you for your attention.
So appropriately put by an 8 year-old. I feel very blessed to have a son who thinks this way. I hope all of my boys feel the same way about God, Jesus and their Dad.
Happy Easter to everyone. How blessed we all are.
Love and Hugs All Around,
Lisa
Friday, April 3, 2009
January 10, 2008
I am freaking out a little right now. Gary is really dead and his ashes are in a box in my office on the table by the window. I was just folding laundry and I put a few small dish towels on top of the box and realized that Gary's reminants were in that box that sits there all day every day.
Wow. He is gone for good. Never to return to the earth again as we know it. I am alone and I think I am having a small panic attack.
On January 10, 2008 I was told by the UCI team of docs that I would be a widow FOR SURE within the year. We walked away from that appointment with conflicting information and we absolutely did not believe that prediction. That is all the docs can do - predict based on their knowledge of past and present patients who suffer from varying types of cancer.
On January 10, 2009 Gary died. One year to the date of that appointment. Sobering. They were right this time. He made it one year. He held on and he fought with everything he had and he did it valiantly.
I think I need to get rid of the rest of the ashes. They sit in that damn box. The ground up bone is disturbing. I guess I shouldn't look at them BUT I still know that they are there.
Have you had a panic attack? Heart races. Trouble getting a deep breath. Light headed. Yuck. My mind is so much stronger than my body. I have had a handful of these attacks since Gary died and I am getting pretty good at controlling them now.
It is so hard to believe that he is really gone somedays. Other times it feels as if he has been gone for years. Unbelievable.
No, I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I really am fine. I just got home from Javiers and a little retail therapy. We watched Friday Night Lights and now I am unwinding and as I told you before - nights are the hardest times for me. Also, going out and seeing couple everywhere I look gets depressing sometimes. It just all brings me back to this place of being a young widow and mourning the loss of my previous life. Life with Gary is gone and now I have to make a new life and basically start over. Getting started in the first place was hard enough when I was 23. I know I can do it but I know this is going to be one tough road.
Don't worry about me. I am calming down now and am going to go upstairs and fold laundry and get to bed. I have an early start to my day.
Thanks for listening. I am okay - promise. Don't send me e-mails with referrals of the nearest head doctor or try to fix me. I am doing that all on my own and I am good. Prayer and meditation always works - every single time. God is good.
Love and Hugs,
L
Wow. He is gone for good. Never to return to the earth again as we know it. I am alone and I think I am having a small panic attack.
On January 10, 2008 I was told by the UCI team of docs that I would be a widow FOR SURE within the year. We walked away from that appointment with conflicting information and we absolutely did not believe that prediction. That is all the docs can do - predict based on their knowledge of past and present patients who suffer from varying types of cancer.
On January 10, 2009 Gary died. One year to the date of that appointment. Sobering. They were right this time. He made it one year. He held on and he fought with everything he had and he did it valiantly.
I think I need to get rid of the rest of the ashes. They sit in that damn box. The ground up bone is disturbing. I guess I shouldn't look at them BUT I still know that they are there.
Have you had a panic attack? Heart races. Trouble getting a deep breath. Light headed. Yuck. My mind is so much stronger than my body. I have had a handful of these attacks since Gary died and I am getting pretty good at controlling them now.
It is so hard to believe that he is really gone somedays. Other times it feels as if he has been gone for years. Unbelievable.
No, I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I really am fine. I just got home from Javiers and a little retail therapy. We watched Friday Night Lights and now I am unwinding and as I told you before - nights are the hardest times for me. Also, going out and seeing couple everywhere I look gets depressing sometimes. It just all brings me back to this place of being a young widow and mourning the loss of my previous life. Life with Gary is gone and now I have to make a new life and basically start over. Getting started in the first place was hard enough when I was 23. I know I can do it but I know this is going to be one tough road.
Don't worry about me. I am calming down now and am going to go upstairs and fold laundry and get to bed. I have an early start to my day.
Thanks for listening. I am okay - promise. Don't send me e-mails with referrals of the nearest head doctor or try to fix me. I am doing that all on my own and I am good. Prayer and meditation always works - every single time. God is good.
Love and Hugs,
L
Thursday, April 2, 2009
HATE BEING COLD
I am the typical spoiled California Girl! I H A T E to be cold. I NEVER EVER like being cold. It takes too long for me to warm up. Now, I do love being on the slopes BUT I have hand and foot warmers and all the appropriate gear to keep me as warm as possible. I am such a first class wimp.
It is much easier for me to cool down. Put me in the desert anyday over the Alps - although the scenery is so beautiful in the mountains. I am getting sidetracked. I am talking purely temps not actual local.
I was FREEZING at the fields tonight. I had my SC chair, my Mr. Heater double burner and a fleece blanket and I was still cold. Lisa pointed out to me that the reason I was freezing was because I had cleavage showing and my jacket was not buttoned up to my neck. She might be right and I hadn't the foggiest idea that I even had any cleavage showing. Had I had my jacket totally buttoned I might have been a degree warmer I suppose. Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that I hate being cold and I couldn't wait to get in my car and crank the heat up! That was one heavenly moment after my long suffering at the fields!
The boys were hungry when we got home so I had to fix meal #2. This grounding from the snack bar is killing me at night. I hope they can behave so that I can reinstate their rights to purchase their dinner at night. They have been barred for a week now due to their uncharacteristically disrespectful behavior. I hope they learn their lesson.
Spring Break is here - almost. I am super excited! I am gonna party like a rockstar...................in my dreams! Maybe the sleeping in part will be like that of rockstars but I doubt anything else will be.
Off to slumber.
Hugs and Kisses,
L
It is much easier for me to cool down. Put me in the desert anyday over the Alps - although the scenery is so beautiful in the mountains. I am getting sidetracked. I am talking purely temps not actual local.
I was FREEZING at the fields tonight. I had my SC chair, my Mr. Heater double burner and a fleece blanket and I was still cold. Lisa pointed out to me that the reason I was freezing was because I had cleavage showing and my jacket was not buttoned up to my neck. She might be right and I hadn't the foggiest idea that I even had any cleavage showing. Had I had my jacket totally buttoned I might have been a degree warmer I suppose. Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that I hate being cold and I couldn't wait to get in my car and crank the heat up! That was one heavenly moment after my long suffering at the fields!
The boys were hungry when we got home so I had to fix meal #2. This grounding from the snack bar is killing me at night. I hope they can behave so that I can reinstate their rights to purchase their dinner at night. They have been barred for a week now due to their uncharacteristically disrespectful behavior. I hope they learn their lesson.
Spring Break is here - almost. I am super excited! I am gonna party like a rockstar...................in my dreams! Maybe the sleeping in part will be like that of rockstars but I doubt anything else will be.
Off to slumber.
Hugs and Kisses,
L
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
FIGHTING
I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel as if the only thing I do is referee the boys knock downs! Right now Nate and Jax are separated because they just can't seem to get along. I have a no tolerance policy in this house. I HATE fighting and nastiness.
The entire night at the ball fields I had to repremand Nate and Jax. It makes me so incredibly angry. They were just about to regain their trips to the snackbar and they had to blow it and lost that privilege for yet another week. Zach is the only one who gets to eat there tomorrow night - barring he doesn't blow it, too! It is the one thing I can take away that really hurts the boys. They love the snack bar. Love it, love it, love it. Finally I have some ammo!
So, I asked the boys to tell me 2 things they liked about eachother. Guess what? I got so impatient with their "I dunno" response that I split them apart and told them that they had better have some good answers for me in the morning!
Mommy needs a time out!
Zach is helping me get the trash out and things picked up. Tomorrow is our last baseball game for about 3 weeks. We will have practice but that is it. It will be nice not to have to be at the fields 7X a week for a few weeks.
I am dropping off my car to get it fixed up tomorrow. The Suburban should be done soon and both cars will have new owners. I am really excited for this to happen. I wish I could get the cars to them yesterday!
Spring break is days away. We are going to the Angels Game on Saturday and going out to the desert for 3 days during the week with friends. It will be a nice break.
The dogs need groomed and trimmed. I think I am going to have a service come to me and have it done here at the house. It is really stressful for Hobie to be away all day.
Well, off to do my chores now that the "endless witching hours" are over.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and great day tomorrow!
xo
L
The entire night at the ball fields I had to repremand Nate and Jax. It makes me so incredibly angry. They were just about to regain their trips to the snackbar and they had to blow it and lost that privilege for yet another week. Zach is the only one who gets to eat there tomorrow night - barring he doesn't blow it, too! It is the one thing I can take away that really hurts the boys. They love the snack bar. Love it, love it, love it. Finally I have some ammo!
So, I asked the boys to tell me 2 things they liked about eachother. Guess what? I got so impatient with their "I dunno" response that I split them apart and told them that they had better have some good answers for me in the morning!
Mommy needs a time out!
Zach is helping me get the trash out and things picked up. Tomorrow is our last baseball game for about 3 weeks. We will have practice but that is it. It will be nice not to have to be at the fields 7X a week for a few weeks.
I am dropping off my car to get it fixed up tomorrow. The Suburban should be done soon and both cars will have new owners. I am really excited for this to happen. I wish I could get the cars to them yesterday!
Spring break is days away. We are going to the Angels Game on Saturday and going out to the desert for 3 days during the week with friends. It will be a nice break.
The dogs need groomed and trimmed. I think I am going to have a service come to me and have it done here at the house. It is really stressful for Hobie to be away all day.
Well, off to do my chores now that the "endless witching hours" are over.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and great day tomorrow!
xo
L
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