Not every day is a good one

Hi. Today was not a good day for either one of us. Of course we both had different reasons as to why our day was less than great. I know that I can't be up everyday and I also know that Gary won't feel even halfway decent every day.

Gary woke up in considerable discomfort. He informed me that this is the way he feels every single day of his life. To live with someone you love so much that endures so much is overwhelming. Every single day Gary deals with the fact that he has Stage IV Metastatic Cancer. I can hardly imagine. It makes me sick to my stomach if I really stop to think about it.

This morning I got a call from our Aetna Patient Advocate who told me that Gary was denied the drugs we need because the medical director deemed them to be "experimental" on the bladder cancer front. These drugs are approved for many other cancers but the FDA has not officially approved them for Gary's cancer.

So, more paperwork. More fighting. Appeal to the insurance company. Can you believe a medical director at an insurance company is going to tell our TOP oncologist what drugs he can use to treat his patients? It blows my mind.

I am really down. I am sad and mad and frustrated and disgusted and my heart hurts for Gary. I do not get down like this very often. The thought of living my life without Gary and our boys not having their father causes terrible pain in my heart. I start to feel anxious and it is hard for me to refocused when I get this down.

Rest assured..........I ALWAYS bounce back. ALWAYS. It may take me a good day or two but I do. Prayer, rest and focus helps me to get back into the swing of things.

Bonnie came over this afternoon and we went shopping and to the Claim Jumper for Tortilla Soup and Potato Cheddar Soup. I love Bonnie. She is one of those people that seems too good to be true. She is ALWAYS kind, ALWAYS smiling and so amazingly sweet and loving. My girlfriends are so super important to me. They bring sanity into my life and help me to stay grounded. Thank you Bonnie for an afternoon to get refreshed! :) Let's paint our nails soon!

Last week Monica hosted Bunco and had a small boutique in her house. It was so nice to relax and hang with my "baseball friends". Monica did a great job and maybe next time she will have more time to just "be" with all of us! We will have to host something for her!

Baseball tomorrow night. Snackbar duty on Thursday night. Pay the bills. Fight the insurance company. Fill out disability crap. Figure out the mountain of medical bills. Tax garbage. Car registration. So on....................life. Everyone has their own bag of crap. I just happen to be airing mine tonight!

Wow! What a downer blog tonight. Sorry for the tone. I just need to get all of this out so that I can work it all out at the gym tomorrow. I think I will kickbox and pretend that the bag is the insurance company. I would LOVE to rip the seam on the bag!

Keep writing letters and keep praying.
Pray for me. Pray that I can pull myself out of this funk tomorrow.
Pray that Gary continues to endure this daily discomfort so that he can receive more treatment Monday morning.
Pray that the kids are unaffected by my frown today. :) I better start smiling. I don't want to get wrinkles from frowning! :)
Pray that we rely on God to take us wherever we need to be with Gary's treatment. We need to be completely dependent on Him right now and not ourselves. We are not in control of our lives and can only do so much.

Love and Peacful Hearts to all!
Lisa