NEW BLOG

HI everyone.
I have started a new blog.
www.lisasallee.blogspot.com
It is a little different than the last one but I promise it will be just as entertaining!
Love, Me

LAST BLOG ENTRY

All good things must come to an end and this is the end of the road for this blog.
My life has been so public for such a long time and now is the time when I need privacy the most.
The boys and I are doing so well. Sure, we have our bumps but overall things are great.
We are moving forward and ready for the next phase in our lives.
I want to thank all of you for all of your love and support and for being such an important part of our lives. We love you all very much.
I will start up a new blog soon just so that I can keep everyone updated. It will be more of a family page. I will update general things in our lives without making our personal lives too public.
I love you all and I am excited to see what God has in store for us! Stay tuned. I will give you a new address very soon.
Love & blessings for the brightest future ever!!!
Lisa & Boys

Blessings

I was having lunch today with a good friend of mine and we were kinda just talking about our lives (mostly mine). As we were talking I was thinking about all of you and how you have blessed my life.

So many of you supported us and loved us and prayed for us and gave up your time and energy to help us whenever we needed it and for those things I could never repay or thank you enough. You were all God's kingdom in action. This is what we are created for - to be a driving presence in one another's lives each day and through good times and bad times.

Thankfully, Gary provided some resources for us so that we would have some time to get on our feet. I am going to be able to partially pay for school so that I can get my nursing degree. I finally bought a new car after driving both of ours well over the 120,000 mile marker. Both of our cars were lovingly fixed by Charlie Smith and I was able to give them to some families who hopefully will get many more miles out of them.

Gary gave the boys some money for Christmas he had stashed away in an account before he was laid off from his job so that I could take them to Hawaii. Watching him give that present to the boys was painstakingly difficult knowing he would not be a part of that dream trip. Our relatives are providing us with a house in Hawaii for the entire time we are there. How lucky we are. I am finally taking a trip with a friend to an exotic island for a week and an amazing person gave me the money so that I could be able to do that.

Sometimes I feel guilty that some good things are happening in our lives now. But, I feel so spoiled and special and it has been a long time since I have felt that way and it feels good. Gary used to spoil me all the time and I miss being spoiled sometimes. These unique opportunities are so exciting and I can't wait to travel with the boys a bit!

You have made our lives possible. You have made this transition more peaceful than I ever thought it could be. You are the reason why we have a roof over our heads and food on our table. That was such an awful yet wonderful time in all of our lives and I thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

My friends -I love you. You are in my life everyday and you continually lift me up and put a smile on my face! Everyone who did more than an amazing job with Gary's funeral I thank you deeply. The slideshow that Michele did is one of the most precious gifts anyone could have ever given our family. The flowers at the church were beyond beautiful, Bonny. So many women spent hours and hours arranging those flowers to make them so special. Gary would have loved that. The beauty of the church and the reception and the sheer amount of people who came to remember such a wonderful and courageous man - priceless. All of the late night dinners with friends - awesome. So many people and so much love and care.

I promise to repay all of the kindness to others that you all have shown our family. That is what life is all about. Pouring our heart and soul into the people we love.

I hope you all have a blessed weekend and if anyone wants to play in a huge kickball tournament - Tesoro High School field at 9:30 Sunday morning!

Love and dreams of a happy and wonderful future,

Lisa

Love, Loss and Life

Gary would be very proud of the boys. I am super proud of the boys. The boys are amazingly wonderful. They are handling Gary's death better than I could have ever imagined. We have our rough times. Throw downs. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. All the emotions that go along with grieving the loss of a father. I can't even begin to imagine what the boys are going through. My loss is very different than their loss.

I stand 100% firm in everything Gary and I did to prepare them for Gary's eminent death. We involved them in every single aspect of his dying and death. We never lied to them. I think we did a great job preparing them for what we are going through right now and it shows.

They are doing well in school. They are doing well at home and they are so loving toward me. Remember, they have their moments and maybe a few more than most kids on some days but if you take a look at the entire picture it is looking pretty rosy so far! Your prayers are working!

I ordered a stand up punching bag with gloves that I will put in the garage. Anytime they struggle with anger I will send them out to the garage for some bag time. It will be healthy for them to take that anger out and do whatever they want to that bag. It will be a great outlet for all of us. I could have used that bag this morning and with the amount of anger I had I think I would have ripped it and thrashed it.

My debit card was stolen out of my wallet at the baseball field on Tuesday at 4:45 PM. I had no idea until yesterday at 3 PM. I called Chase to report the card stolen and found out that the thief had charged about $500.00 on that debit card (they used it as a credit card but it is directly linked to my checking account).

I had the person at the bank shut the card down and off I went so I thought.

I decided to call this morning to see if the pending transactions had posted so I could file the dispute and get my money back. Get this - the lady on the phone the day before DID NOT cancel the card and the flippin' thieves charged thousands more and basically drained my account! Unbelievable. I was beyond upset as you can imagine and many of you may have already been through what I am going through.

So, inlue of kicking the crud out of the punching bag I don't have yet, I decided to go to the golf range and learn how to hit some balls and work on my swing. I had the greatest time with Jenn and then we even had a few minutes of social time on the porch. I was very relaxed and I would say I was in a great mood.

Then, back to the bank to get everything straightened out in person. I talked with the Branch Manager and they are putting a rush on getting that money back. We went over all of the charges to determine which ones were mine and after figuring all of that out I felt much better and assured that I would get that money back.

So annoying. I have to call so many companies that I pay online and change the card number. Ugggg......Oh well. Things could be worse.

School starts for me in a few weeks. I am excited and anxious to get through the nursing program so that I can begin to help people.

Church is great and we are having church out on the field at the school this week. We are having a huge kickball tournament with parents and kids alike and it should be super fun! God has done some pretty amazing things in our church body and I am living proof of that. Our church and our friends and our family have been such a huge support and without all of you we would not be where we are right now.

Life lessons learned the past few days: Anger is nasty and ugly. It is not good for your soul. Some people aren't worth the energy required to stress or be angry. There are so many awesome things in life to focus on. Find the positive and ditch the negative. Be real. Two-faced people have issues and they aren't yours. Ditch your insecurities. Surround yourself with people who want only the best for you. Pray more. Place all of your trust in God. Get in the passenger seat because no matter how hard you try you will never be in control.

Each day we can learn. Each day is filled with new experiences. Live with LOVE. Live through LOSS. Live your LIFE to the fullest.

Hugs, Kisses and Love,
L

No Title

Bad afternoon. I seriously wanted to take one of my children and kick him to the curb. I spent my afternoon so incredibly frustrated and unbelievably angry. Uggggggggggg.

This particular child (those of you who were on the fields tonight know who I am talking about because of his outlandish display of insane behavior) decided to scream and yell at me when I did not give him the food he wanted at the particular time he wanted it.

I realize that the kids are going through a difficult time and trying to judge how much of the behavior is just normal kid behavior and how much of it is Gary's death is sometimes challenging to say the least.

Tonight I reached my breaking point. I wanted to just go off screaming and yelling at him with every 4 letter word I know.
But, I didn't. I held my composure (somewhat) and at 8 PM we went home. Had I had some duct tape I probably would have put it across his mouth but thankfully I let one of my other friends borrow it for the week as she is also having discipline issues! HAHA

His attitude totally turned around before bed and he apologized. It was nice to hear it BUT it is too late to get him out of the deep trouble he is in. Live and learn and some of us have to do it the hard way!

I am gearing up for a busy rest of my week. Lots going on at church and at home.

I would really enjoy going out on the town a few times in the next week. I need it as I have not been out in such a long time.
I think I am really going to make that a priority as I need time away from home to be rejuvenated.

Going to bed I think. We will see if I can fall asleep. I have had a touch of insomnia this week for some reason. Hopefully this will pass.

xoxoxo
L

SUNDAY MOTHER'S DAY

Our first Mother's Day without Gary is kinda weird. Matt took the boys this week to get my Mother's Day present which happened to be a Burke Williams Gift Certificate and the boys were so excited to give that to me today! They told me that they thought that is exactly what Gary would have wanted for me and I am so glad they gave it to me.

Thank God for Matt. He helped me to give the boys a teachable moment with how to treat their Mom! I hope they are this thoughtful to their wives when that time comes.

I went to church this morning and got home to have lunch with Joyce, Jeff and Monie before they went back to the desert. Jeff filled my house with roses and it is so beautiful and it smells so good. I have roses everywhere and for those of you who know me I absolutely LOVE flowers! What a treat!

I took the boys to T Street this afternoon so that they could have some much needed beach time. It was such a beautiful day and the sand was warm and the boys said that the water wasn't too bad at all. I had some time on the beach to just look around and take things in. I think it just bummed me out to see families together and couples together. It is like that everywhere I go. It is strong confirmation that I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life.

I am tired and ready for sleep. I only slept 3.5 hours last night.

Happy Mother's Day. I hope it was everything you hoped it would be.

Love & Hugs,
L

MOTHERS DAY

I wanted to take a moment to recognize the women in my life that are mothers.

I am so blessed to have so many friends who love me and care for me.

My girls have been there through the thickest of the thick for me and I am eternally grateful for your love and support.
Sunday is a day that honors all of you. Not only are you wonderful mothers to your own children but you have been amazing mothers to mine throughout these past 2 years.

You will never know how much your love means to me. I could never repay you nor could I express to you what is written in my heart when I think of all of the things you have done for me and for Gary and for the boys.

We are ready to move forward with no regrets as a family and I know that there are so many of you that will keep on this journey with us! Let's see what God has in store for us. I know it will be something great!

Happy Mothers Day to all my girlfriends who mean so much to me!

I love you with all my heart

Lisa

A Better Day

I had a much better day today. My headache is basically gone and I actually got many things accomplished today. I did however forget to get dog food. Hurley can wait.

The boys had a good day. I got my work done and then took them to the beach right after school. They had a great time and even found a dead sand shark and dead huge jelly fish! They caught hermit crabs and they surfed, body boarded and played all over the beach. I wish we would have had more time there. Summer is coming!!!

My air conditioner is running because the upstairs is so hot. The dogs are asleep and the kids are finally in bed. Baseball nights are late nights most of the time.

I had a terrible dream last night about Gary once I finally fell asleep. I had a dream that I was in our downstairs bedroom and his dead body was laying in the bed and it was just so awful and overwhelmingly yucky. I hate to remember him that way. He was so sick for so long and I think it is hard to remember when our life was wonderful and normal. I will pray tonight for either no dreams or at least a good dream of some sort.

I am watching the Millionaire Matchmaker. I need to get ready for bed and I do need a good nights sleep.
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday and I will update this weekend!

Love to you all,
L

It is almost midnight and I wasted my entire day fighting a seriously awful migraine headache. All morning I stayed in bed and then went back down around 2:30 and am still in bed. What an unproductive day! I hate this day. I have not had this bad of a headache in about a year. I almost went to the ER to get a shot of demerol. YUCK!
Enough about my ache. Let's move on to something more interesting.....

Jax lost a tooth.He put it under his pillow. I go into his room early and switch out the tooth for 2 Susan B. Anthonys. On my way I go. He wakes up. Fast forward 15 minutes...... We are sitting at the kitchen table and Jax tells his brothers that I am the tooth fairy. I play stupid.

Me: What are you talking about?
Him: I felt your hand under my pillow when you took my tooth and put the money there.
Me: Seriously Jax. Do you really think I keep Susan B's around the house? You lost your tooth at baseball at 6 PM last night and we did not stop by the bank on the way home. Whatever.
Him: Yeah whatever is right. YOU ARE the tooth fairy but I know you are not Santa. I know. I KNOW you are the Easter Bunny too.
Me: Whatever you want to think Jax.
Him: Yep. UR the Tooth Fairy aright.

He just doesn't give up. He should just be happy that he got his 2 bucks! Ungrateful little booger.

Nate was home from school today with a fever and sore throat. I couldn't even take care of him. I even ordered pizza tonight because I couldn't stand the thought of smelling anything cooking in the kitchen. The poor kids.

I still have a headache and I pray it is gone in the morning. I hope Nate feels better, too.

School is almost out and I am very happy. I start school at the end of this month. I am taking some online courses so that I do not have to be away from the kids this summer.

Matt took Zach to get my Mother's Day present today. I am so thankful and our Mother's Day should be low key and fun!

I am going back to sleep now.
I will write again this week.

Love and Hugs,
L

It's Been Too Long

It has been way too long since my last post. Darrin has requested an update so here goes the update.

There have been many things that have happened since my last post. Granted, nothing super exciting. Basically life. Not that my life is all that interesting. I guess losing a husband to cancer and having 3 young boys who are madder than hell sometimes makes for some pretty interesting incidents here and there.

Life just goes by way too fast. Each week I can hardly believe it is Monday and then before I know it Sunday rolls around the corner and I face yet another Monday once again.

School days are hard. Making lunches and doing homework and practices and projects and dinner and bedtime and laundry and and and and and. It seems to never end nor does it get easier. It is annoying and redundant each week but I try to hide those feelings from the boys.

The boys are doing well in school with no apparent behavioral issues. They are social and are seemingly well adjusted. At home we have typical kid issues with a mixture of issues resulting from Gary's actual dying and death as well as the physical loss of their father. It is sometimes difficult and tricky trying to figure out how much is truly just rebellion and natural kid behavior and what percentage of the behavior is a direct result of the boys trying to deal with anger and hurt and sadness and confusion about Gary.

Overall I would have to say that we are doing well. We talk. We cry. We laugh. We yell. The boys ask a bevy of questions. We are moving through this time together. Nate got in big trouble the other day and he sat in his room and wrote me an apology letter. In the letter he told me that he was mad that Dad had to go so early but he wanted me to know that he was not mad at God because he loves God and knows that God just has a plan and that He trusts God. My heart melted. I love to know what the boys are thinking - especially when they are grumpy and angry.

Last night after Zach's game he wanted to spend the night at a friend's house. I was ready to leave him there and out of nowhere he started crying and talking about Gary. He no longer wanted to spend the night but just wanted to go home. So, off we went. When we got home we sat and talked about Gary and we cried and I think we had a really great talk. It is great when the boys open up. It is so healthy. I love that and I am relieved when they do talk.

Jax has been beyond clingy. Nate has been argumentative and crabby. Zach has been frustrated and mad, mad, mad. I WAS in a good mood until the the clingy, crabby, argumentative, frustrated and mad as hell kids got a hold of me! There are days when I just need 10 minutes to myself and I can't seem to get it. Other days I handle it beautifully. Up and down and back up again. I ALWAYS end up on the upswing thank God. God is always foremost in my mind and I rely on Him each time I face an obstacle.

So, I am going to Turks & Caicos this summer. My aunt is going to come and help take care of the boys. Matt will have the boys for the last couple of days and they can have their bonding time. I am really excited. I have never been to the Caribbean and these particular islands are amazingly gorgeous. I am staying in an all inclusive resort and it will be a great trip.

I love the summer months. I love warm weather and sitting outside at night eating dinner and relaxing. We will try and schedule a short trip to see Gary's family this summer as well. Gary's Dad has been doing better and his cancer seems to be under control. I am so happy for him.

My Dad's very cherished friend, Bob, died this past week. He had cancer as well and fought it I think for about 8 months. Just a month ago he was golfing with my Dad. He and his wife have been prayer warriors for our family and they have been such wonderful friends to my parents. Anne Marie (Bob's wife) is so strong and has such great faith. I hope this sustains her as it has me. They were married over 50 years and they have a wonderful family.

Jax is out of baseball as we try and figure out how to get his arm to heal completely. He is in a brace. Zach is in a brace as well. His elbow is bothering him as are his knees. The knees are a growth thing but the elbow might be something else. He will have some tests this coming week and we will find out for certain. I think everyone of his problems is growth related. Keep him in your prayers and keep those fingers crossed.

I am good. I would have to say 98% of the time I am doing well. I am strong and my faith has given me so much in terms of my outlook on the future. I just read a book called Widows Wear Stilettos. The author lives in Lake Forest and it was written for young widows. It was super helpful and I am farther along in my healing than most who go through this tragedy. I give all of the credit to God and to my faith. I could not do this alone nor can I imagine ever going through this alone.

Most days I think about how I am ready to move forward. I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want someone to share the rest of my life with and to be a role model and support for the boys. Gary did not want the boys and I to be alone either. I have legitimate fears about how this works and how it looks. Dating? Haven't done that in 15 years. Never was one to date different people. I don't think I have ever been on just a date and it didn't work and then another date. I have had only a few boyfriends in my life. I'm not 20 anymore. Things are so different. I am really not looking forward to this part of my life. It is kinda scary and the waters are unchartered. When the time is right opportunities will present themselves and I will know I am ready.

In the meantime I am going to just do life. School starts on May 26th for me and then I have a full school schedule come August. I am very excited. I met with my nursing counselor this past week and he was so encouraging. I have a 4.0 right now and the trick will be to maintain that GPA. I think I can do it. I might not be able to get the program done through Saddleback as their program is highly impacted and it is difficult to get classes. I might have to take out student loans and go private. Time will tell.

This is a long post. Sorry.

I just wanted you to know that we are hanging tough and doing life. Each day brings smiles and frowns. But, at the end of the day, we never go to bed disgruntled or angry or unresolved in any way. We end with prayer and smiles and love and we wake up the same way. Never go to bed angry. You also can't spend too much of your time or your life in the negative. Try and maintain in your positive zone. It is so much healthier for your body and your mind!

Love to you all -
L

Love my new computer!

Kids

A hard weekend. Don't get me wrong. We did have a few hours here and there when we were all smiling and having a great time.

The boys had behavior issues and last night was an extremely hard night. We stayed up together until 8:30 PM crying and talking through so many things about Gary and about not having a father anymore and anger and fear and decisions and so much more. It is exhausting.

I am off to the post office and to run some more errands. I need a break from the emotional.

Have a great day!

xo,
Lisa

Funny Conversation

We are on our way home from my staff meeting today and Zach starts busting up out of the blue. He begins to remind me of our trip to Catalina a few summers ago.

I took the kids to Catalina to visit friends who were staying over there. I needed some R&R. The boys and I went to Lovers Cove with our friends to do a little snorkeling. Once we arrived, Nate and Jax wimped out and wouldn't go in the water.
So, we buy the food to feed the fish, get our masks and snorkels on, and Zach and I head out into the warm water.
We get out there and this cove is teeming with Girabaldi. It was pretty cool.

So, I take out some of the food (that is supose to be in a waterproof baggie) and I feed some of the fish.
Somehow I forgot (no blonde pokes) that I had another bag tucked into my string bikini bottom (you know, that waterproof bag). I am trying to be nice and feed these little fishies and all hell breaks loose. To make a very embarrassing and long story short the fish absolutely ascended upon my lower half and I was beyond surrounded by them. They were everywhere. The water turned orange in every direction.

What do you think I did? Of course I did. I started screaming and frantically swimming toward the shore. I do something similar to that on land at the beach when a bee seems to hover right around me and won't go away. I am that girl running down the beach swatting at the air to try to outrun a bee who I am positive is determined to sting me and probably right on my butt!

Zach is cracking up as he watches me FREAK out. I can tell you that I was not laughing at the time but now I can laugh and we did just that this afternoon in the car together. It must have been pretty funny to see that! It is so NEAT that the boys NEVER EVER forget anything like that.

That was a great trip and I am looking forward to taking the boys to Maui in August. This time, no food for me in the water. I will simply observe and maybe I will learn how to scuba finally.

The house is finally quiet and I think I am going to get myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. They are so yummy! Hopefully I can watch something entertaining on TV.

Have the best night!

Love,
L

Exotic Locations

Ok. I want to go somewhere exotic.
No kids.
Just thinking and possibly planning for July.
It has to be tropical and beautiful with plenty of things to do.
I would prefer an all inclusive resort as well.
I have always wanted to go to Turks & Caicos but if anyone else has any other interesting suggestions then please share!
I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing locations you have all visited or know about!

BTW - We are doing well and getting ready for another night of baseball and late bedtimes.

Happy Day and do share when you have a chance - that is IF you have anything to share.

xo
L

Easter Blessings

Hi everyone. We spent a few days in Rancho Mirage with a bunch of friends and had THE BEST TIME! I think it was one of the best trips I have been on. We went with some friends from baseball and most of our families are heavily "boy populated" and all of the boys got along and it was just a great trip. The hotel was awesome and it was a great little get away.

For the first time in a very long time I did not feel lonely. There are people around me and sure the kids are always with me but I do feel very "3rd wheelish" and lonely a lot of the time. I do not expect anyone to understand unless your spouse has died and I am sure it is hard for any of you to believe that I could ever be lonely or feel socially weird but I do and it is very real to me.

The boys and I did not want to come home. Back to reality. Life is so much easier for me when I am not home. I realized the tremendous stress I am under as soon as I got away from it. I felt like a different person and it was good for me to get myself out from under that stress.

In light of Easter Sunday I wanted to share something that Nate wrote. Nate was given this assignment about 2 weeks ago and he wrote this report all by himself. This was an oral report so he shared this with the entire class.

My Hero by Nate Sallee

My hero is Jesus.

Jesus was born in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. He is my hero because he died on the cross for our sins. People who believe in Him shall live with Him for eternity.

My Dad died January 10, 2009 at the age of 43. He was a believer in Jesus and is now living with Jesus because Jesus got on that cross for my Dad and for me and for all of us. Jesus was the one who made this great world. He is always by our side no matter what happens. He will love us all no matter what.

Jesus only lived until he was 33. That is a very short lifespan especially for our Holy Christ. Jesus was sent to earth to show us all how to live and then He died on the cross so that all of the bad things we do would be forgiven.

He will live in our heart all of the time. We cannnot see Him but he is in our hearts forever just like my Dad.

Thank you for your attention.

So appropriately put by an 8 year-old. I feel very blessed to have a son who thinks this way. I hope all of my boys feel the same way about God, Jesus and their Dad.

Happy Easter to everyone. How blessed we all are.

Love and Hugs All Around,
Lisa

January 10, 2008

I am freaking out a little right now. Gary is really dead and his ashes are in a box in my office on the table by the window. I was just folding laundry and I put a few small dish towels on top of the box and realized that Gary's reminants were in that box that sits there all day every day.

Wow. He is gone for good. Never to return to the earth again as we know it. I am alone and I think I am having a small panic attack.

On January 10, 2008 I was told by the UCI team of docs that I would be a widow FOR SURE within the year. We walked away from that appointment with conflicting information and we absolutely did not believe that prediction. That is all the docs can do - predict based on their knowledge of past and present patients who suffer from varying types of cancer.

On January 10, 2009 Gary died. One year to the date of that appointment. Sobering. They were right this time. He made it one year. He held on and he fought with everything he had and he did it valiantly.

I think I need to get rid of the rest of the ashes. They sit in that damn box. The ground up bone is disturbing. I guess I shouldn't look at them BUT I still know that they are there.

Have you had a panic attack? Heart races. Trouble getting a deep breath. Light headed. Yuck. My mind is so much stronger than my body. I have had a handful of these attacks since Gary died and I am getting pretty good at controlling them now.

It is so hard to believe that he is really gone somedays. Other times it feels as if he has been gone for years. Unbelievable.

No, I am not crazy. I am not losing it. I really am fine. I just got home from Javiers and a little retail therapy. We watched Friday Night Lights and now I am unwinding and as I told you before - nights are the hardest times for me. Also, going out and seeing couple everywhere I look gets depressing sometimes. It just all brings me back to this place of being a young widow and mourning the loss of my previous life. Life with Gary is gone and now I have to make a new life and basically start over. Getting started in the first place was hard enough when I was 23. I know I can do it but I know this is going to be one tough road.

Don't worry about me. I am calming down now and am going to go upstairs and fold laundry and get to bed. I have an early start to my day.

Thanks for listening. I am okay - promise. Don't send me e-mails with referrals of the nearest head doctor or try to fix me. I am doing that all on my own and I am good. Prayer and meditation always works - every single time. God is good.

Love and Hugs,
L

HATE BEING COLD

I am the typical spoiled California Girl! I H A T E to be cold. I NEVER EVER like being cold. It takes too long for me to warm up. Now, I do love being on the slopes BUT I have hand and foot warmers and all the appropriate gear to keep me as warm as possible. I am such a first class wimp.

It is much easier for me to cool down. Put me in the desert anyday over the Alps - although the scenery is so beautiful in the mountains. I am getting sidetracked. I am talking purely temps not actual local.

I was FREEZING at the fields tonight. I had my SC chair, my Mr. Heater double burner and a fleece blanket and I was still cold. Lisa pointed out to me that the reason I was freezing was because I had cleavage showing and my jacket was not buttoned up to my neck. She might be right and I hadn't the foggiest idea that I even had any cleavage showing. Had I had my jacket totally buttoned I might have been a degree warmer I suppose. Nonetheless, it does not change the fact that I hate being cold and I couldn't wait to get in my car and crank the heat up! That was one heavenly moment after my long suffering at the fields!

The boys were hungry when we got home so I had to fix meal #2. This grounding from the snack bar is killing me at night. I hope they can behave so that I can reinstate their rights to purchase their dinner at night. They have been barred for a week now due to their uncharacteristically disrespectful behavior. I hope they learn their lesson.

Spring Break is here - almost. I am super excited! I am gonna party like a rockstar...................in my dreams! Maybe the sleeping in part will be like that of rockstars but I doubt anything else will be.

Off to slumber.

Hugs and Kisses,
L

FIGHTING

I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel as if the only thing I do is referee the boys knock downs! Right now Nate and Jax are separated because they just can't seem to get along. I have a no tolerance policy in this house. I HATE fighting and nastiness.
The entire night at the ball fields I had to repremand Nate and Jax. It makes me so incredibly angry. They were just about to regain their trips to the snackbar and they had to blow it and lost that privilege for yet another week. Zach is the only one who gets to eat there tomorrow night - barring he doesn't blow it, too! It is the one thing I can take away that really hurts the boys. They love the snack bar. Love it, love it, love it. Finally I have some ammo!

So, I asked the boys to tell me 2 things they liked about eachother. Guess what? I got so impatient with their "I dunno" response that I split them apart and told them that they had better have some good answers for me in the morning!
Mommy needs a time out!

Zach is helping me get the trash out and things picked up. Tomorrow is our last baseball game for about 3 weeks. We will have practice but that is it. It will be nice not to have to be at the fields 7X a week for a few weeks.

I am dropping off my car to get it fixed up tomorrow. The Suburban should be done soon and both cars will have new owners. I am really excited for this to happen. I wish I could get the cars to them yesterday!

Spring break is days away. We are going to the Angels Game on Saturday and going out to the desert for 3 days during the week with friends. It will be a nice break.

The dogs need groomed and trimmed. I think I am going to have a service come to me and have it done here at the house. It is really stressful for Hobie to be away all day.

Well, off to do my chores now that the "endless witching hours" are over.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and great day tomorrow!

xo
L

A HUGE THANK YOU

I need to thank my friends. You know who you are. You are the ones who lift me out of my trench. You call me even when you know I don't want to talk. You show up at my house to check on me. You make sure I am not alone and you invite me places so I don't feel left out. You hang with my boys and help me move furniture. You seek me out to see how I am and you don't care if I tell you that my day sucked!

The past 10 weeks I have lived in somewhat of a fog. Time has passed by so quickly but at the same time it has been a painfully slow process of readjustment. Some of you have witnessed my whining, crying boys. Many of you listen to me vent and bitch and moan about how crappy my days have been. No judgement and that is HUGE. So many people are so judgemental and that really stinks. It feels good to have people I can be brutally honest with.

Life is hard right now. Everything is complicated. Nothing is ordinary. Nothing feels right yet. I know it will. In the meantime we will just keep plugging along and trying to figure out how to put the pieces of our "puzzle" back together.

My friends are so important - you have no idea. I know I have not been the best friend to some of you. I hardly have time to think let alone really pour into my friendships and yet you carry me through this time and expect nothing in return. Thank you for not judging me (I know I already said that but I really mean it) and for accepting me just as I am. Thanks for the countless hours of listening and for helping me in every single area of my life. I hope not one of you ever has to go through what we are going through right now. This is so big and scary and hard and unimaginable.

It's times like these when you find out who's on the team. Thanks to those who have stepped up to bat for us and who have supported and loved us. I love my friends and I am thankful to be so loved by so many of them. We look forward to sharing our wonderful future with all of you.

Love and Thanks,
L

BTW - I met with my school counselor and I am going back to school to get my Nursing Degree. I am super excited. Anatomy here I come! Keep your fingers crossed!

Happy Sunday

We had a great day today. Went to church then to Costco then to do snack bar inventory then home.............for the rest of the day! I love being home. Home Group came over tonight and we grilled out and had great conversation and it was awesome!

This week is going to go by so fast and then we will have 9 glorious days with NO HOMEWORK and NO LUNCHES and NO EARLY BEDTIMES! Yeah!!! We are going to have loads of fun and I am really looking forward to that.

We are going to spend most of our time at the beach. Zach and Matt are going to try and bike and I will really continue to help Jax learn to ride his bike. I am tired of running beside him down the street hunched over trying to anticipate his falling.

All 3 boys had more than excellent progress reports this trimester. I am so incredibly proud of them. Despite everything we are going through they have all kept their grades up with no behavioral changes. I guess they save that for me at home.

I have done some serious soul searching over the past week. Many of you know that this past week has been the most difficult week since Gary died. I will have to share my soul with you this week at some point in time in this blog. But, too time consuming right now and at 10 PM on Sunday night my brain is not working so well.

I am off to the gym in the morning and then to L.A. at some point in time to pick some stuff up that I ordered.
Have the best Monday ever!
xoxo
L

My Little Bargain Hunters

As promised..........The garage sale find of the year....................
A Trek 26" mountain bike with shocks and 24 gears for.....................$40.00!
Zach and Nate are stoked. Good job boys.

We are actually home tonight. No social events. No phone calls. Just us. Hanging out. Enjoying the KCA (Kids Choice Awards) while the laundry is going and the sinks are bleaching.

Baseball was long today. Both Nate and Zach's games were 2 1/2 hours. It was a beautiful day though and if I could get Jax to stop chewing his glove while in the field I would be an even happier baseball mom!

My friend Ron who owns Audiofonix did a great job installing my DVD player and back up camera in our car. I have no idea how to work anything but he will give me a tutorial tomorrow. The boys love the car BUT are bummed they cannot eat in it. They think I am going to cave. Zach told someone to just give me a week and they will all be eating and drinking in this car! Fat chance in hell! Mark my words.

I just love my boys. I love the people who surround me each day. I love laughing with my girlfriends.
I miss my life before Gary died. I miss Gary. I can't even look at a photo of him yet I have a hard time even remembering our life before cancer. It is a true battle of the mind each day. Everything around me is happy. Smiles and love and good times and fond memories. Yet, I have a small piece of me that feels empty. I am very used to being married. I loved being married. Being single is not something I would have ever wished for. Being alone is not for me but I bet I am going to learn a lot about myself and having to be 3 little boys "everything" is a sobering reality check.

Today it seems like Gary died a long time ago. Zach and I were just having a conversation about this. Why does it seem like so much time has passed? He died January 10th and it is now March 28th. 10 weeks. That really is not a whole lot of time. It seems like years. Maybe because he was so sick for so long. I dunno. I could sit here all night trying to figure out the whole concept of time but I am not going to.

I guess I will feel sad for a little while longer. I think seeing his photo tonight triggered this sadness. I occasionally come across pictures and I just have to look the other way even though I really want to look at them.

Over Spring Break the kids and I are going to go to the Getty Museum and to the Griffith Observatory to see Gary's star. They have been asking me to do this so we are going for sure! I hope we can find it through that awesome telescope they have.

Hurley and Hobie had playdates today and they are whipped. Yes, I finally cleaned up the dog poop in my dining room Kelley! No more poop in the house! I have been vacuuming but both dogs hate the vacuum cleaner so I am taking a break from that for a while.

Zach is reading next to me and the boys are tired and ready for bed. Home Group is coming for dinner and fun tomorrow night and we are grilling out.

I have no words of wisdom for any of you. Too tired.
Boys are in the showers. I need to get some clean towels to them.

I think everyone should get up tomorrow morning and go to church. Thank God for everything in your life. What doesn't kill you will truly make you stronger. Hopefully I get stronger each day. Thankful I am. Thankful to God for the gift of my children and of my life and my friends and family. Thankful that HE is in control and I am not.

Ciao,

xo Lisa